To be annoyed DH won't do more to avoid COVID to ensure IVF goes smoothly

[PhillipaN]

Just about to start our second round of IVF after taking a break for the summer and I'm terrified that I'm hearing about more and more cases of COVID: sister in law, friend, husband's friend, colleague etc. There's research to say it impacts sperm for 3-6mo and I just can't face delaying IVF and having to wait longer.
Sadly DH loves his social life too much, says it's silly to shield and plans to go to a concert and a football match in the next couple of months.

@HavingABitOfAMare no the consultant didn't. It's based on known effects of Covid and the fact that more people seem to be getting it

@Whatatodo79 a little confused what doesn't make sense - we had a baby a few years ago, during the pandemic. Trying to get pregnant again. Yes, having a baby would be limiting, mainly for me the mum, but him too

Getting annoyed at him for eating a pizza?

You need to be careful here because you risk damaging your relationship by being so controlling. I get your desire to have a child but do you want that to permanently damage your relationship? You need to find a sensible balance.

Why can't he eat cured meats?

You're beginning to sound controlling, give up alcohol, don't go out, don't eat cold cuts (wtf is this about?!) eat more veg...
We're not in 2020 now, COVID is a fact of life, and I say that as someone whose husband was classed as clinically extremely vulnerable and was in ICU during the pandemic.
Rein in your anxiety and demands and just relax it all a bit.

What on earth has pizza got to do with it?

This all sounds insane I would no way put up with someone trying to control me like that it sounds terrible

You cannot avoid covid unless you shield. I live a pretty limited live - don't go out, WFH with only the occasional day in a small office... don't have many friends, don't socialise. and I just had it or the 5th time.

And salami pizza, the bastard!

I know from friends that going through IVF is very hard but I think you are taking it too far.

You sound a little over the top (interrogating his pizza topping choices) but my husband is at gigs as his job and has been at over 100 this year already and hasn’t caught Covid if that helps!

The whole time we were going through fertility issues I was very keen that we didn’t miss out on the other things in life that brought us joy as it was stressful and upsetting enough.

What know effects? Here's an article from the Lancet which is a reputable source which says that the effects are largely unknown and that most return to baseline after infection.

You do sound extremely controlling OP. You can't just ask your husband to shield because you've decided it will affect his sperm.

The Lancet

Unfortunately yes. Lots of
people are still shielding from covid. Because they are still as vulnerable as they were in 2020 - because they still don’t have an immune system. And unlike 2020/21 no one else is taking any precautions to not spread it. It’s horrific for them - because they can’t even go to medical appointments safely anymore.

Give up cold cuts?

How does that affect his sperm?

You sound totally obsessed with getting pregnant. It's very controlling behaviour. Don't ruin a relationship in the process or would a baby be better than a relationship?

This is bollocks OP. Respiratory viruses linger in the air inside venues. Not only caught by droplets close by. Worse at music venues or places where people are singing or shouting. It’s spread like smoke - imagine 1 person in the club smoking. You’d smell it soon enough.

You remind him to eat more veg! You sound like his mum. Is this a joke?

How's he getting on parenting your existing child? Is he fully on board with this round of IVF? I'd say you're being OTT but on the other hand, you both need to be in agreement about this particular phase in your life and it sounds like he's brushing off your concerns.

Why isn’t he allowed salami??

Honestly you are being very controlling and hard work. There is no reason why he shouldn’t go out. Leave the man be.

On the surface level YABU, especially about the salami!

HOWEVER. As someone who spent £25k on IVF, believe me when I say I absolutely understand and those people who have never done it cannot possibly know how terrifying and all consuming it is. My last cycle was 2019 and I absolutely would have been terrified of Covid interfering with my plans had it been a year later.

Not being funny but if a woman posted here saying her husband was controlling to the point that he got aggy with what pizza topping she ate, she’d be told her is abusive / controlling and she should LTB

Honestly OP, I agree with you. There are lots of unknowns around covid and I wouldn’t want to be risking it at such a crucial time. (Nor for any medical procedure).
There’s so much bad science and understanding on the majority of mumsnet (and everywhere) about Covid and any pathogens in general) - probably because if people actually knew or accepted what it was doing to their bodies they’d have to accept their lifestyles aren’t healthy or moral.
And the majority think “living with” means ignoring and forgetting it’s existence rather than putting little mitigations in place so it’s actually not so bad so it can be lived with (and not died with). And to protect those who are still vulnerable to it in society.
Unfortunately as everyone says - everyone has moved on - and so instead we look forward to the morbidity of repeated infections.

I know IVF is stressful in itself but you sound incredibly controlling and germophobic: I wonder how you’ll cope with an actual baby if you do get pregnant. No one is shielding anymore, Covid is but a passing flu. I understand the issue about speem production but you both don’t exist in a bubble. I’d speak to your doctor and see if you can get some mental health support whilst on your IVF journey as it seems to be making you obsessive.

I’m interested by how sure lots of people are about OP being wrong.

Imagine- you’d spent £25k on a once in a lifetime holiday, no insurance possible ahead of time. You can’t go if you have Covid or a broken leg.
Do you carry on as normal the month before, gigging and going to skateboard festivals
or
Avoid crowds and skateboarding to reduce your chances of COVID and broken legs?

I can sympathise with OP here. I recognise it seems controlling on the face of it, but the mental and physical drain of IVF on a woman can leave her in tatters, not to mention the added crash of possibly not getting pregnant after it or the (yes, also joyful) but very scary pregnancy afterwards. Oh and then the birth. Oh and then the newborn and recovery. When all the man has to do is jizz into a cup, it matters to show up for your partner in absolutely any way you can. After all, any sacrifice for the man is completely temporary, whereas the process of IVF and subsequent loss or (painful) gain can very likely stay with with the woman for decades, if not for life.

Don’t listen to twaddle like this OP. Having the thought that maybe it’s best to avoid pathogens (of any type) whilst undergoing a difficult and costly procedure - is not a mental health problem. Don’t let people gaslight you like that. The species has existed because some people think more about danger. That doesn’t make it a mental health illness. It makes you sensible. It’s what you do with those thoughts that’s important.
Communication and finding middle ground with both partners is imperative here.

(and yes some people are still shielding and covid isn’t a flu or passing (whatever the fuck that means).).

Why can’t he eat salami? I’m sure you’re not a nightmare but some of your posts…

@Edingril @Boopbeepbeepboop

Processed meats decrease sperm quality quite a lot. For context the pre diet he had low motility and low morphology (below the lower end of 'normal')

I don’t think that eating salami has much effect on sperm quality. If it did, how would Italians reproduce (or Germans, all those cured sausages, and as for the Poles….).

Tension and stress are far more likely to adversely affect both partners.