To be annoyed DH won't do more to avoid COVID to ensure IVF goes smoothly

[PhillipaN]

Just about to start our second round of IVF after taking a break for the summer and I'm terrified that I'm hearing about more and more cases of COVID: sister in law, friend, husband's friend, colleague etc. There's research to say it impacts sperm for 3-6mo and I just can't face delaying IVF and having to wait longer.
Sadly DH loves his social life too much, says it's silly to shield and plans to go to a concert and a football match in the next couple of months.

I was in a situation 2 years ago where DH had a major sporting event overseas and he absolutely didn't want to get covid. I skipped a work summer event which I would have enjoyed and we both skipped a family meal where family members who we hardly see had travelled over from Canada & Australia.

You can guess what happened, we got covid 2 weeks before the event. We think DH got it first even though he works from home and had avoided people for 4 weeks, we think from a delivery driver or a single visit to the supermarket.

Having said that, we have been through infertility in the past and I appreciate you wanting to do everything in your control to increase your chances, but I sadly I don't think covid is one you can control.

Yabu
your obsessing to the point you will drive him away
yes you want every thing to be as perfect as you can but it may get to a point where he buggers off because he’s sick of being micro managed
calm it diwn

I'd be more worried about having a baby with someone who's social life is so important to them. You'll be back here in a year saying that you're getting no support and DH is out every night at x,y and z while you're home alone with the baby

Will one salami pizza cause the problem? Is processed meat being eaten twice a day every day?

I think you found very stressed OP. You feel like you're doing everything to maximise your chances of pregnancy and your DH isn't - whether that's a poor diet, risk of contagious diseases....you want to control what you can because you are so desperate for the IVF to work.

Talk to your DH. He doesn't sound as invested - certain things he's not prepared to give up. Really you can't force him though, and you'll damage your relationship trying. Does he really want another baby, or is it something he's "prepared" to do "for" you as long as it some too inconvenient?

Yabu. Avoiding crowds no alcohol (but do it quietly), then it's the pizza. It is too much. Sympathise as it must be very difficult to go through ivf but i think you need to work on your own worries around it.

That’s a bit harsh! Even though I can see it’s probably a waste of time shielding, I can have some empathy for a woman who is likely highly anxious about being able to conceive!

TBH I'd be more concerned about how much parenting he will do if it clashes with his social life.

The stress of all these rules you're imposing on both of you is probably going to also have an effect on your chances of conceiving.

Try to weigh it up that way.

Salami?!

How do German people reproduce? This is insane, 1 pizza with salami on it will have zero impact on his sperm. Absolute insanity.

Op I Understand that IVF is a huge thing.

But you are becoming obsessive. I suspect you and him are in a really negative cycle. You are on edge and obsessing about everything. Particularly the things he isn’t doing. So he makes a big deal out of the things he is doing. You can see he is doing these things but obsess about what he isn’t doing, then he feels he is being expected to stop most things and you get more upset and so on.

A salami pizza isn’t going to damage his sperm. And you thoughts about the office vs a concert isn’t quite right. Offices with aircon spread germs like wildfire. As to door handles, flat surfaces etc. and he will be close contact with these people for longer.

I understand how important this is too you. But you can’t control every tiny thing.

Good luck with the IVF my husband didn't do anything to help the process, no changes to his lifestyle. Despite this it worked, twice! Try relax a bit, it's stressful enough without worrying about all the possible affects

Or the other day ordered a salami pizza because he fancied it, why not just completely give up cold cuts?? Or he has to be reminded to eat more veg, sighs at it but in the end does eat it...

I understand your anxiety, you really want this to work, but I think you’ve lost perspective.

Salami? Why does he have to give up salami?

Never mind COVID, you say your husband loves his social life too much, does he realise how much having a baby will impact his social life our does he plan to continue on as normal and leave you holding the baby? If so that will become wearing very quickly. Have you both discussed how life will change drastically?

I know the struggle of infertility and I have been through IVF myself. And I still think YABU - it’s impossible to fix and control everything before hand. Things that affect fertility in both sexes big time are lean BMI, healthy diet and staying active and these are all within your control whereas catching covid is not.

Poor man - not allowed salami and nagged to eat more vegetables.

I've not heard of people who are trying naturally trying to avoid covid so don't see why you would need to for IVF

Yeah sorry you sound controlling, does he actually want another child? It’s up to him how much he wants to sacrifice to have another baby and how willing he is to engage in behaviours which might have a (likely minor) effect on his sperm. As others have said, being stressed and unhappy is more likely to have an effect than catching covid or eating salami anyway, let him live a normal life! Maybe even look into sperm donation?

How on board is he with this?

How good a dad/husband is he?

@Getonwitit not only have we discussed it, we've had a baby before so he knows exactly what it'll be like. I think for him it's one thing to be at home caring for a baby and another to decline social outings in hope of having a baby

Or the other day ordered a salami pizza because he fancied it, why not just completely give up cold cuts??

You can't be serious.

@Nanny0gg he's a decent dad. I think he struggles a bit more than I do in the sense that he doesn't have the patience to take things slow - for example when our toddler is riding a bike and stops every 2 minutes to look at a rock or point out a dog, DH will soon start saying things like "yep, a rock, come on, let's keep going" or if the toddler is taking 8285 minutes to eat one piece of chicken I will wait whereas he starts "are you finished? If you're not eating I'll take it away". That's probably the biggest criticism of him as a dad, which in the grand scheme of things, isn't terrible. Also massive mum preference from the toddler for everything (changing clothes, putting to bed, serving meals) so I guess he cabt do as much.

Ask him if he’d prefer using donated sperm so he can relax about Covid and salami.

I think I’d be like you, OP. It feels like one person is making every effort, the other isn’t. And it’s a 25k investment.

Realistically one salami pizza won’t be the deciding factor, but I can see how you’d feel risking Covid, and a poor diet together might- and it’s pepperoni pizza tonight, salami sandwich tomorrow…

Is poor quality sperm an issue for IVF? I don’t know anything about it and assumed fertilising the egg was the easy bit.

Why wouldn't you be able to go on a once in a lifetime trip if you had Covid? There are no restrictions and you don't need to test anymore?

This is a ridiculous post because it ignores the fact that to function we all have to assess and manage risk on a daily basis in virtually all aspects of our lives. The level of mitigation we put in place will be direct correlated to how we perceived the risk (which is inherently subjective) and our priorities.

Even something as simple as having a glass of water could be considered risky or bad for your health if you think of micro plastics, forever chemicals etc. You could drink only tap water, filter it to death, boil it and it will still have some kind of impurities that aren't great for you. Getting into a car is one of the most risky things you can do if you look at the statistics but most people need to do this on a daily basis...

My point is that we all need to take a pragmatic approach to risk. This isn't the same as 'ignoring' it, but it's more about making informed choices and ultimately choosing also to live with the consequences. I believe this is what OP's DH has done. Having a good social life is really important to him and he is ultimately not willing to sacrifice this for what could be a very marginal change in the chances of the IVF succeeding. OP feels differently, which is fine, but it seems that she has become extremely risk adverse and unhealthily obsessed with trying to manage all risk down to zero. This will not only increase everyone's stress and anxiety but also give her a false sense of certainty which just doesn't exist when it comes to IVF. OP and her DH could do absolutely everything 'right' and IVF could still not work.