To be annoyed DH won't do more to avoid COVID to ensure IVF goes smoothly

[PhillipaN]

Just about to start our second round of IVF after taking a break for the summer and I'm terrified that I'm hearing about more and more cases of COVID: sister in law, friend, husband's friend, colleague etc. There's research to say it impacts sperm for 3-6mo and I just can't face delaying IVF and having to wait longer.
Sadly DH loves his social life too much, says it's silly to shield and plans to go to a concert and a football match in the next couple of months.

Nope faulty logic. Doesn't matter if there is a whole concert full of people with COVID, if you're just walking past them and spending 30 seconds close to them, your viral load will not be high.
However if you spend multiple consecutive days with Susan from the office and share notes and what not in a meeting, viral load is much higher.

YABU, and honestly, you need to relax and enjoy yourselves, especially for the sake of your existing child, who is probably already being affected by you going through the stress of IVF. Why does having a pizza with salami matter in the slightest? Conception, natural or assisted, is honestly mostly chance. There's only so far that lifestyle changes will help. Loads of people have Covid and never know, I don't know anyone that tests, it's just another virus like getting a cold.

Well broken leg might be an issue but COVID less so. And you maybe couldn't stop having a life for the month before a holiday " just in case"

I think you missed the point?
Imagine you can’t go on a trip if you have Covid…

It sprang to mind because DH was averse to testing and to change so we didn’t attempt a holiday while there were restrictions in place.

I think a lot of people here would be pissed off if their partner was risking that kind of holiday.

Your DH could just as easily catch COVID from his asymptomatic friend at lunch as he could at a concert (well you can't catch COVID since it's a disease state, you can sometimes develop the illness once exposed to the sars cov 2 virus.) Your DH could have it now with no symptoms. It's completely unrealistic to think you can avoid common viruses and you are being controlling.
I've only had COVID once despite working with the public throughout the pandemic. I got it from a single colleague (no doubts, we worked in a small room alone together for the day and he was symptomatic). I've likely been exposed to it hundreds of times, indeed my own child has had it 3 times and despite cuddles etc i never got it from them. I think only certain people spread COVID, my colleague ended up infecting the entire workplace. Bit of tangent but moral of the story you can't hide from viruses., or control what other people eat!

Most probably as they already have a child

I know you learnt your lesson, but this is why I laugh at people who do this. Because no matter how many times people tell them stories like yours, they still think it will help.
When in reality, if you're exposed to very low doses all the time you are much better off than someone isolating and then boom going out. It's not healthy to not see any germs for 4 weeks.
As a side note, it is highly unlikely to get COVID or any illness for that matter, from someone delivering a package. Unless they needed on you, you're not going to get ill. It's outside, the viral load the exert by breathing by your front door is just not enough to infect you

*sneezed

I wholeheartedly agree everything is risk based and done on personal preference and personal risk. However I’m afraid most people are not making that decision daily over infection e.g. with Covid with all the facts.
See all the posts where people do not know what’s happening and minimising it as a cold. See all the threads (like the HEPA) in schools one - where people think kids stay healthy by repeatedly being infected and ill etc.
People are not making these decisions based on having all the facts. How many people think Covid is seasonal or has gone away (meanwhile we’re in the biggest wave for ages).
And not only that - everyone not making little mitigations is putting those who are still CEV at risk just to go for medical care.

That doesn't give her the right to dictate everything he does and eats. I say this as an infertile woman.

There's a difference between dictating and expecting your partner to show up for you during a substantially difficult period.

We've been to dozens of concerts with hundreds or thousands of people this year.
Haven't had as much as a sniffle.
It seems a shame to limit yourself to work and family over something that may not happen. I don't think I would do it. Id have missed out on the last six months of the things that for me make life good, and all for nothing.

I think almost all the risk assessments we all make on a daily basis are undertaken with limited or inaccurate information. I don't really know the impact of the food I eat, the air I breathe or the suncream I slap on my family. Covid is just another one of these things. You will drive yourself insane looking for definitive answers on these things as 9/10 we simply do not know.

I think most people know that covid hasn't gone away and anecdotally know 3 people that have had it in the last month. I still have chosen to socialise as normal though and have been to theatres etc. Put frankly, it's a risk I'm willing to take!

I would be interested to know what little mitigations you think should be put in place though?

...and you're having another with him?

YABU. unless you’re willing to go and live in a cave and never leave or see anyone, you can’t avoid the risks of covid.

Your husband will start to resent you if you continue to be so unrealistic, controlling and demanding.

I can see alcohol and smoking, but the expectation of showing up should not entitle someone to dictate their partner's social life and what they eat for dinner. It's controlling and MN is only supporting it because it's a woman doing it.

She shouldn't feel as if she has to control it. He should be doing it anyway – he should be making whatever minor and temporary changes he can to his lifestyle that enable making a very challenging period of time in their relationship and her medical journey that she's undertaking for them both more tolerable and comfortable. By neglecting to fully join the journey with her, he is sending the message that the hardship is per problem and her burden to bear.

I'd not 'controlling' to ask, be told no and to be upset by it and wonder if it's unreasonable.

I am writing his in bed on day 3 of Covid. I am normally fit and healthy and can honestly say I have no idea where I picked up the infection. Not working ( am fortunate to have retired over a year ago at age 60) and no family member has had it (DH and DD have just done second test - negative). Ironically the most likely source of infection is the hospital where I hung around pretty much all day Monday waiting for DH.
Based on this OP I think you need to stop worrying about your husband's plans (easier said than done) and, as others have said, talk to your consultant for reassurance.

Yes, I get it as well. I’m happy that DH got on board when we decided to TTC number 3 against the age odds. But in this game perfection is a unicorn, it’s not achievable. It’s enough to be on the perfect fertility diet and take care of your overall health 80% of the time.

Both egg and sperm quality are important for IVF but it usually takes a complete overhaul of one’s lifestyle to see significant improvements against things like age or autoimmune conditions. Sperm quality is both easy to monitor and easier to improve compared to creating the best conditions for pregnancy and carrying to term.

I’m sorry because I know IVF is tough and may be affecting your sense of perspective but this is seriously controlling.

You can’t expect him to live like a monk because you’re going through IVF. In the kindest way possible you need to chill out about this and get help if you can’t.

No one is shielding these days.

I just wanted to say OP, PPs who haven't been through IVF cannot possibly imagine how all consuming it is, and, when so much is out of your control, you look to what you can try to control. Also, when you're spending so much, why risk poorer outcomes for what are seemingly simple things to avoid? I get it. Also with IVF, so much of the pain, process falls on the woman, I think the men could try and do their little bit.

You are not abusive, you are desperate for success and doing everything you can yourself, so expecting a similar level of commitment.

I'm £20k down on IVF this year alone, and about to embark on another retrieval. I also had my first IVF pregnancy during covid, and we shielded as much as possible x

Let me get this straight - you police his eating and drinking and now want to police his social life too ?

He sounds like he is already being very patient with you.

It’s obviously important to you but you are risking the bigger picture here by trying to control another person to this extent.

Yeah this sounds really controlling to me as well, you don't even want him to have salami on a pizza and no alcohol, no concerts or events. Does he want another child as much as you? Why not just enjoy the one you have, relax and have a happier time?

This is why my elderly dad wears good masks when he visits hospital.

I think it's a massive shame that we didn't adopt the socially-responsible approach of Japan and mask when we are ill ourselves. It's so considerate and sensible. Would have been one useful thing to get out of the horror of covid. Well, that and filtered air in busy places...

@Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic

what kind of mitigations do you think people should be putting into place?