Neighbours Autistic daughter

[Ashellwithin]

Good evening all,

I was recommended to seek advice on this forum by a friend. If anyone could advise, I would be very much appreciative.

I have been living in my flat for the past 12 years. During the first few years, we have had to deal with my neighbour's daughter horrific meltdowns (e.g., jumping on the floor, crying). She was 4 or 5 years old at the time and although I did complain to our Local Housing officer about this, I didn't take this any further as she was quite young and did not think it would be taken seriously. Plus, the meltdowns seemed to had settled during the years.

However, now that my neighbour's daughter is a teen, the meltdowns have started all over again and they are much worse. She will curse, shout, bang, throw things, slams doors, runs up and down. She is very loud! On those days where it has gotten too much, I have regrettably shouted to "Keep the noise down!", on a few occasions. But the noise was really grating me.

The neighbour (mum) struggles to calm down her daughter and often takes her out of the house for long periods of duration or I will see them both wandering in the streets (around midnight!). I have also seen quite a few professionals (I'm assuming as they have lanyards) come in and out of her flat which I take is to support the neighbour's daughter. So I do think the neighbour is trying to support her daughter the best way she can. However, the noise is unbearable and I can no longer take it. I have made a formal complaint to the council about the noise and have recorded the daughter's meltdowns as evidence.

Since then, a mediation meeting between the neighbour and I to resolve the matter. The meeting has not taken place yet as the neighbour always has something going on (so wondering if she is avoiding this). But I'm hoping to move to a new property or secretly wishing that they will kick out the neighbours and move them elsewhere.

Other than that, what else can I do? This is taken a toll on my mental health.

Well what do you think she should do? We had this exact situation and we moved, it cost money, but that is life, if you aren't happy that is what you do, it sounds like from her posts she is hoping to move, so if she feels this way she should put energy into this.
And really, the situation is what it is - neighbours are often a pain in the butt, if I was her and I have been on both sides of this, I would invest in some good ear protection or move

It's like put up or shut up mentality on here! What about the neighbours rights and mental health? Or does that not matter!

Oh behave yourself will you. As the mother of a child on the autistic spectrum (he died aged 22 in an accident before anyone decides to search my posts and come to the conclusion I'm talking shit) he was a bloody nightmare growing up and I wouldn't expect my neighbours to shut up and put up just because my poor son couldn't help it. He couldn't help his meltdowns no but you can't go around calling someone an "ignoramus" just because they are also completely fed up with it.

In all honesty the best scenario would be that they recommend that you start bidding on alternative properties but then you may get far worse neighbours. It's council housing so there could be people with all kinds of problems quite frankly, it's hard to qualify these days. Longer term a house or bungalow would be better for your neighbour but she's as stuck as you are.

I feel for both you and your neighbour. She will be extremely stressed and it’s difficult to truly grasp what it’s like to be an unpaid 24/7 carer. This is her life non-stop. There’s also nothing she can do, nothing that she could be doing better or is/isn’t doing. Most parents in these situations have exhausted every option, strategy etc etc

But I do sympathise with your situation too. It’s a tough one.

Op I think the neighbour is probably doing everything they can in the situation. Nobody is walking the streets at midnight with their teenager for their health.

I'm sure she's avoiding the mediation because she's upset and embarrassed. She doesn't control her daughter's meltdowns and she has probably struggled a lot for a long time with this.

I think the best thing to do is to move if possible. There's not much else you can do I'm afraid. Noise cancelling headphones,good ear plugs or a white noise machine might help a bit. I do feel for you, I had student neighbours in the past one one girl was a fucking moron. She was an absolute dizzy cow and would get drunk then literally bang pots and pans like drums and laughed like a brayng donkey. Had to go round at 3am and basically kick her front door in then threaten to shove the wooden spoon up her arse. I literally snapped lol

I have an autistic daughter and thankfully she wasn't as disabled as indicated in this case and we lived in a detached house so only we could hear her meltdowns

Oh for heaven's sake.

If there were such solutions, the OP's neighbour would have already employed them, for her own sake.

The OP is certainly suffering; however her neighbour will be suffering more.

I mean, bloody hell. Do some people think that parent carers are magically immune to the noise and stress of a meltdown?

I have a child who sounds very similar to the daughter in your post @Ashellwithin and I really worry about my neighbours.
It is so difficult because we have to live somewhere but equally my lovely neighbours don't deserve to hear my dc losing his shit.

In a perfect world those of us caring for people with disabilities that can disrupt others through sheer noise would have some options for housing that won't distress neighbours, however its never going to happen. There's barely money for homes, let alone purpose built soundproofed ones for people like your neighbour and her dd.

My dc is a big lad now and I still rock him like a baby, sometimes for hours to keep him from screaming when he's in meltdown mode. He'll be trying to bite me or pull my hair etc but to stop him disturbing the neighbours I just have to persevere and rock him and we sing his favourite nursery rhyme on a loop until he stops attacking me.
I admit I'm worried about his noise levels as he gets older.

I am saying this very delicately and with the full knowledge that I may be devoured for saying it, but I wonder if a suitable place was available if a specialised care setting for the child would be in the best interests of everyone concerned.

Maybe there are no places, maybe mother doesn't want that. But sometimes needs must, and the child's best interests come first I think.

OK, off you go with the backlash.

I think they decided that institutionalising people with disabilities was barbaric.

I'll second this!

I'm waiting with baited breath for their reply and what I hope will be groundbreaking, fantastic advice that we most definitely won't have heard of before.. in all of our years of doing next to nothing to help our children, of course.

I expect they're thinking of ADHD medication which has absolutely sod all to do with autism.

My DS has both and we are in fact waiting to hear from the ADHD clinic about medication after he finally received that part of his diagnoses a couple of month ago.

Contrary to what that poster may think - DS being medicated for ADHD isn't going to fix the autism or suddenly make him immune to all of the factors that make his life (and ours actually) so fraught.

Yes but it's really too bad that we expect untrained parents to deal with severe issues pretty much on their own. There really should be massive infrastructure to support families with housing, respite, counseling, planning for the child's adult life / when parents are gone, etc.

I wonder, since everyone I know has medication for so many different issues, is there a medicine that would help calm people in the throes of a meltdown? Probably difficult or impossible to administer a pill in that situation, though. But something like diazepam? It can't be fun being the person having the meltdown either and a calming drug seems like a humane possibility. (I am not talking about turning disabled people into catatonic zombies for convenience, but just something to ease really volatile situations).

I wouldn't even waste my time to be honest. You know exactly who and what you are for saying that. You don't need us to tell you, do you?

@Ashellwithin does the poor mum not have enough problems without a nasty neighbour adding to them????

You are mean.

I'm not really sure giving our emotionally dysregulated children highly addictive benzodiazepines that can be fatal to withdraw from, and cause significant brain damage over prolonged use is any better than institutionalising them to be honest, as that's often what was done in those institutions.

What if that "nasty neighbour" was a paramedic/ junior doctor who needed sleep and then had to go into work on fuck all sleep and made a mistake while treating you or your child.

That's because this is a fairly common situation. Many of my pupils would have been very difficult to live next door to. In fact I know some were, because their parents told me of their difficulties with neighbours.

There's no need to make up OPs like this. It's a very real issue.

Having an autistic teen, I would never want to live in a flat and particularly one that was not a ground floor for this reason, but I doubt they have much choice.

You need to find ways of coping (e.g. Soundproofing, headphones, white noise, ) Or move.

Passing over the fact you're suggesting that a disabled child be removed from her family for the benefit of others, there aren't places.

Local councils across the country are on their knees trying to fund placements for disabled adults who are in supported living because their parents are dead or in nursing homes. Even if you only pay staff minimum wage, it takes multiple people to safely provide the same amount of care one exhausted parent-carer does, in a day. Parent carers save the public purse a great deal of money.

Even when it is agreed that it is in a child's best interests to be in a placement, there aren't places. Tortoise Media has been following the case of a suicidal disabled teenage girl who has spent over a year in solitary confinement: Children locked away: Troubled 14 year-old let down – again - Tortoise (tortoisemedia.com)

Not wanting to derail the thread but as there’s a lot of name calling now it seems as good a time as any. Is there anybody as old as me on here that can answer a question? In the 70s there seemed to be a lot less children with this as a problem does anyone on here know why it seems to be such a bigger problem now?

Realistically, what are you hoping to achieve here?

If the daughter is autistic and experiencing meltdowns, these aren't something she can control. She can't keep the noise down, and she'll be even more distressed by these experiences than you are. Mediation isn't going to change that. It sounds like her mum is doing as much as she possibly can to try to help, so mediation isn't going to be giving a neglectful or insightless person a kick up the backside to sort things out.

So, the options really seem to be: introducing things to reduce the noise (like soundproofing or noise-cancelling headphones), you moving elsewhere, or the neighbours moving elsewhere. Which of those would you prefer? (Given the dire state of housing stock, tbh I'd suggest just buying headphones and soundproofing stuff at this point...) If you know what your preferred proposal is for addressing the problem, then you can prepare your case accordingly.

I think it would be a special kind of awful to try to get a disabled child evicted from their home. An alternative could be to try to work with the mum and support her if she wants to move. Letters from neighbours that highlight how vulnerable the child is could help build a case for a move of tenancy. If she doesn't want to move, then you could ask for a move instead.

I empathise, I really do. And with both sides. The issue isn’t her autistic daughter, but that they’re probably in entirely unsuitable housing. The transformations I’ve seen in people who are given things like access to outdoor space and their own room is unbelievable. Could you work together and support mum to make a case for alternative accommodation? If her daughter has a social worker, they could be helpful in pulling together an assessment.