Mother's will

[Lemonmeringue76]

I am being totally eaten up with this and I finding it hard to let it go or move past it. My mum is on her own and leads an extremely frugal life. She is in her 90s. She had accumulated a huge amount of savings- somewhere between 250k and 300k. She also had a flat worth about 130k. Apart from 30k, she is leaving everything to my two children. My younger DD is likely to inherit about 250k which seems a huge amount of money for a young woman to inherit.
I am separated and not particularly well off. Some more of this money would mean a lot to me and would provide me with se purity as I come towards retirement (I'm in my 50s.)
I don't want this to define all our family relationships but I find it so unfair and so hurtful that I can't think of anything else.
AIBU?

I also think it is a very bad idea to give young people different amounts of money depending on their circumstances. You have no idea what is going to happen in the future

Did you get anything from your grandparents?

I’m a similar age to the op and a single parent. My children are both still in primary school and I will need to support them for a while yet.

I would be absolutely delighted if either of my parents left money to my dds and I would never dream of resenting them for it. I will have to save for my own retirement- I have no expectations otherwise

It’s not her money tho. It’s money that has been given to her kids. What sort of parent resents their own child?

In the case that she outlines, it would be reasonable to expect that unless her relations with her mother were truly awful, or there were some
other factors that we have not been made aware of, that her own Mum would place a greater importance on her financial stability with the hope that she would keep the wealth in the family long term and pass on assets without excessive wastage in a tax efficient manner.

What sort of parent resents their own child? One who has been snubbed cruelly by her mother, when there is sufficient to go around all three parties. Equally.

Yes, we know it’s DM’s Money and she’s free to do what she pleases with it, but what she’s choosing to do is not fair. It’s ridiculous.

OP, not going to criticise you for feeling hard done by - I would too. I know a couple of people in your position and it's not great.

HOWEVER - try looking at it from a different angle. I worry a lot about the fact that my children are so disadvantaged in comparison to me - no hope of a London mortgage on an academic's salary, for example, and all the related stress of that once you have a family. I am currently basically emiserating myself during retirement in order to be able to mitigate their bad luck (being born into v different economic circs). You, on the other hand, will be completely free to spend whatever you can put into your pension on yourself, without any guilt about not helping them out or worries about 'estate planning' whatever the fuck that involves.

In the meantime I think you should try and find a way to tell your mother that you accept her decision but that it has made you sad, because you can't help but feel it reflects on your relationship or shows that she hasn't actually noticed how tough it's been for you providing for the girls on your own, and how much you've sacrificed. Not to make her change her mind, but because honesty about feelings is usually the best way, as long as you can express it without aggression.

We try - I advise on the implications financially, legally tax wise and even emotionally but if a person has capacity isn’t being influenced and is adamant as to their wishes it’s not for the solicitor to impose their own subjective views on their client.

Doesn't that equally apply to the mother as to the OP herself ?

After all, she is deciding her grandkids will benefit at the expense of her own child ?

I'm sorry if I'm adding to answers you don't want to hear but I'm dealing with an ugly will situation at the moment (dad's & grandad's at the same time!) and it's really brought out the worst in one particular sibling.

Your mum's money is hers to bless to whomever she wishes and she obviously wants to help her granddaughters. 30k is still a sizeable chunk of money to put towards paying off a mortgage or making an investment - I'd be grateful for what you're given. You can't count on other people's money in this life.

Have you missed the point where the granddaughters get an unequal split as well ?

Have you discussed this with her? Say how hurt you are

Considering the hurt and ill feeling, not to mention the ensuing feuds that last for years, the best thing is to split it equally, unless there has been some huge family event eg a family member spending long stretch in prison for serious crime.

I will never understand why GP's leave monies to their grandchildren.

Monies should be left to the next generation, who can distribute them as they see fit to their children. This removes any issues of one household having more children than another, etc.

I can see how this is divisive OP. However, I can't see a way forward that won't mean someone being upset. I would gently speak to your mother and explain that you may appear to be doing ok but in reality you have little retirement provision and would welcome a helping hand. I would also mention that your exh would not take anything from the inheritance, just in case that is her issue.

But presumably she has worked for what she has got whereas your other DD now won't have to which isn't fair (though I agree that people can leave what they want to who they want). Given you seem to think inequality is justified because there is a logic to it, perhaps your own mum is the same. She may think you've had the chance to make what you can and if you haven't that's on you whereas they don't benefit from the same opportunities you'd have had given how expensive things are comparative to income these days plus they'll have the benefit of the money longer. Perhaps she wants to know they will definitely get it not just hope you don't spend much so they eventually will?

So you'll be leaving your money to your children then. Not your grandchildren like the OP's mother is doing.

Easy for him to say this when he knows you don’t have any cash. If your mother died before the divorce is finalised and he knew you had been left a hefty chunk of your mothers estate I bet it would be a different story. Your mother is making sure her money stays in the family.

I can truly understand how you feel OP. Somehow, you need to find a way of managing your emotions re this and 'putting it to bed' in your mind. Otherwise, it will completely destroy you.

It's two things though isn't it. Sure it's money, and that will be the issue for some. But more importantly I think, it's the last communication from that parent, telling you what they feel about you. And if the message manages to say that you weren't central to their life, that's going to hurt - even if their reasons were logical and sound.

@EATmum thats exactly how I feel in my situation although we will be ok without the inheritance the money would of made a huge difference and we could of helped dc get on the property ladder

but it’s more than that it feels like I am not important that she doesn’t care and favours my dsis and it does effect how I feel about dm which is probably unfair as I am not sure on her level of capacity now and dsis is manipulating her what is also hurtful that my dsis has thrown me and my dc under a bus to inherit it all herself. Dm avoids the conversation changes the subject and says she thinks she’s changed her will so there is also uncertainty around it all

Also the “you are a mean mum I will give my babies everything” posters I guess have little children. Feelings change as you age and your Dd is no longer a gorgeous 6 year old who is entirely reliant on you but a bossy corporate lawyer with a husband and you are facing an impecunious old age..