Mother's will

[Lemonmeringue76]

I am being totally eaten up with this and I finding it hard to let it go or move past it. My mum is on her own and leads an extremely frugal life. She is in her 90s. She had accumulated a huge amount of savings- somewhere between 250k and 300k. She also had a flat worth about 130k. Apart from 30k, she is leaving everything to my two children. My younger DD is likely to inherit about 250k which seems a huge amount of money for a young woman to inherit.
I am separated and not particularly well off. Some more of this money would mean a lot to me and would provide me with se purity as I come towards retirement (I'm in my 50s.)
I don't want this to define all our family relationships but I find it so unfair and so hurtful that I can't think of anything else.
AIBU?

Has your mum explained why she has decided to do her will as she has

i know you say your ex isn’t unethical and wouldn’t want a share of the inheritance but you would be surprised how people change when money is concerned as I am finding out about my dsis who I was very close to maybe your dm is worried your ex will get a share of the money

@FranceIsWhereItsAt but op is not your friend's daughter. You've dreamed up that she may also take drugs etc. and that her mum warned her against partner (is this the case with your friend's daughter too or did you just think of this bit yourself?) would've been much more constructive to ask if there was any backstory

@Lemonmeringue76

Is there any chance this is a 'tentative' will since you're still legally married? Could she have done this in order to prevent your STBX from getting part of your inheritance if your mum should die before your divorce is final?

I can see myself doing something like that if I was in her shoes and I didn't want my child's ex to benefit in the event of my death. Of course I'd change it as soon as the divorce was final.

Luckily where I live an inheritance is not community property as long as it's held separately and not in a joint account.

I’m in a similar position. Only child. My dad (only remaining parent) has excluded me in favour of my children. He made that decision when I was a stay at home mum married to my ex husband. Not especially wealthy. It hurt. To complicate matters I do will writing as part of my professional job so he gave me instructions and I got it written up. Due to his personality there is little point in expressing my hurt, it just makes me feel grabby, also I am pleased my kids will be looked after. i have since divorced and remarried but was a number of years where things were really tricky for me financially as a single mum, he’s redone his will since and wants to amend again as he’s marrying, but my children will still be the beneficiaries, he made some comment about adding a token amount to me so I could have a holiday. His view is that it’s difficult for younger generations to get on the property ladder and they will need it more, which is valid. am now in a Resonantly good position financially, though not wealthy. There is some sense but the action of the financial rejection does feel like an emotional rejection too and for me it has affected how I feel about our relationship. However I also feel that I won’t be so concerned about leaving an inheritance for my children (and will spend and enjoy). You can’t control what her wishes are. Same as I can’t. Just have to accept it. I’d also be disappointed by the unequal split between your children. It feels like one favoured over the other.

That doesn’t mean others have to sit passively and just wait the the shit to hit the fan in a few years.

Wills don’t have to be fair. It’s her property to gift. It might feel unfair on you, but at the end of the day, her property, her choice. And I say that as someone who didn’t inherit at all from one parent. It feels unfair, hurtful and a reflection of the relationship, but the only response really is to adjust your expectations.

Thank you for posting. This is very much how I feel so it's a comfort to hear from someone else who understands. I'm sorry it's affected your relationship with your dad. This is a bit how I feel. I guess I just have to try to move past it and think of how it will save me money in the future as I won't have to make big donations for weddings etc.

Ah that’s hard OP. DH Nan did something like this because she disapproved of her DD (DH mum). Left half the proceeds of her house to her DS (DH uncle) and the other half to DH and his sister in trust cutting out DH mum (her own DD) all she got was the interest from the trust which was a pittance and she had to ask DH and his sister if she wanted to buy anything over £500. They got all their half when their DM died

it caused huge bitterness and was really awkward for DH and his sister with their mum having to go cap in hand to them to ask for things

Not sure that you can depend on that @Lemonmeringue76 . I'll bet that's part of her reasoning. She's in her 90's and she may very well be thinking that she might not still be here before you get your Divorce sorted. And even if she isn't thinking this, it might still happen and a lot of her estate ending up with your ex.

I do think it is unfair of her to be leaving the DD's unequal amounts though

Well it sounds like it’s a good job he did given your marriage broke down a few years later and had he died, your ex would have had access to half the estate he left!

Obviously only you know the relationship you have with your father, and I agree that if you were to spend time caring for him in his later years you may want to be left something for the time and effort you put into it.

But I don’t see it as being “excluded” if your children are set to benefit.

I'd be hurt too OP.
People writing "It's her money she can do what she wants with it" are mindlessly stating a fact which it's obvious you already knew 🙄
I think your dm has either not thought it through very thoroughly or has chosen to be divisive.

To be fair, if I get lucky to get to past 85 years and have kids who are over 50s, and grandkids, I am very unlikely leaving anything directly to my very grown kids regardless of how much they might need money in retirement. And yes, the youngest of grandkids should always get more due to they having more years to live.

Let alone a dd still sorting divorce and is likely to remarry as one poster up there just neatly demonstrated.

Please see it as your kids being looked after and be happy.

You’re in the same position then having been excluded from your parent will? No I’m guessing not. So your comments are a bit unnecessary. FYI my ex husband was very honourable financially when we split, I’d had a small inheritance during our marriage which had gone into our property, we agreed our divorce without the involvement of solicitors and I kept our marital home in reflection of the money I’d put in and to keep my children’s home. He would never have taken money I had inherited nor would I of him, we’d been I a relationship for 20 years and had no intention of ripping each offer to pieces and have a good relationship co parenting. My dad redid his will when I was on my uppers as a single mum on tax credits rebuilding my career, his view didn’t change. Which was his perogrative and I have never raised with him I was just expressing how it made me feel.
as for caring for him in his later years, that will not be happening. I work fulll time these days running a business and securing my own financial security. He knows this and accepts he will have to go into care if needed and there then may not be much money left then anyway.

How pious
So you would turn down such an inheritance?

@123sunshine- well done for rebuilding your life and prioritising your future and financial security.

The solicitor is not a financial advisor. He/she merely undertakes the instructions of a client, so your bitterness is misplaced.
But how typical of many here; they beliieve they are entitled to their parent's money and stamp their feet when they don't. Then they threaten to withdraw or not offer care when required because they are sulking.

I understand what you’re saying and I didn’t mean to sound cruel. But ultimately I know a few people who have changed their wills to leave to grandchildren in the face of a collapsing marriage. One couple had been together for over 30 years and she certainly wasn’t fair when it came to finances. They knew had they died earlier, their money would have gone to buy a house for her and the bloke she ran off with.

Grandchildren can also have relationships and marriages that collapse - there are no guarantees that any monies left to anyone will not be divvied up in a divorce or property sale.

It’s not your decision to make. The end. Full stop.

And yes. I was excluded from my mother’s will, my sister got everything - she deserved it. When my dad passes away that won’t be an even split either. I work hard, I earn a good salary, I have my own home and money in the bank, I don’t need theirs.

There is clear etiquette and traditions when it comes to wills. To do something very different and essentially disinherit a loved one that would traditionally benefit is controversial and is bound to stir up feelings of hurt and possibly resentment because it is a clear indicator as to how they viewed you and your relationship with them.

A sizeable amount of money can make the world of difference to your nearest and dearest, I think people who would exclude one child or treat siblings different are being blind to the hurt they’re going to leave behind or they’re doing it to to be malicious.

Here’s what I’d do.

let her wishes play out. But, before you all inherit, meet with your daughters and let them
know that you’re pretty hurt with the arrangement and that whilst you’re solvent, in no way are you comfortable.

The fairest solution, given that they know they are to inherit I presume, is to add the asset base up, and split it evenly between the three of you. It balances everything, irons out the unfairness and means you all get to benefit from the money now.

Anyone skipping generations and ignoring their mother financially whilst they take the lions share of an estate that you’re involved in, needs to consider their priorities.

Awaits the MN Will Police 👮‍♂️

What’s not to like?

This! Mine wouldn't mind 🤷‍♀️

Just wish your mother could realise the headache she’s causing. Her actions seem mean and spiteful to me. Shame she just sat on all that money, could have given you all amounts over the years, and left the remainder equally between you all.

Your dm is trying to be omnipotent - thinking it's her role to equalise finances between her dgc.

But no one knows how much of this will come to fruition.

If your dm needs residential care it will gobble up her money, quickly. You may find that your £30K is protected and that your dc get much less...