Mother's will

[Lemonmeringue76]

I am being totally eaten up with this and I finding it hard to let it go or move past it. My mum is on her own and leads an extremely frugal life. She is in her 90s. She had accumulated a huge amount of savings- somewhere between 250k and 300k. She also had a flat worth about 130k. Apart from 30k, she is leaving everything to my two children. My younger DD is likely to inherit about 250k which seems a huge amount of money for a young woman to inherit.
I am separated and not particularly well off. Some more of this money would mean a lot to me and would provide me with se purity as I come towards retirement (I'm in my 50s.)
I don't want this to define all our family relationships but I find it so unfair and so hurtful that I can't think of anything else.
AIBU?

Could you speak to DD’s and suggest one pot split three ways?

Could you talk to DDs and suggest one pot split equally 3 ways?

The solicitor is not a financial advisor. He/she merely undertakes the instructions of a client, so your bitterness is misplaced.

No a solicitor is not an AI robot putting instructions into legalese. A solicitor should carefully explain the impact of the testator's instructions and give advice accordingly. Should ask is there a reason she is skipping a generation. Should ask why there is an uneven split between the granddaughters. Should mention something about the tax implications - if only to say you should get advice from an accountant on it. A family solicitor has a professional, fiduciary relationship with her client and shouldn't just jot down the instructions and turn them into a will.

The way the OP describes the will is that savings will be halved between the two and the flat left to the younger - well a solicitor better have explained to the testator that if the savings are all gone by the time she dies one granddaughter will get everything and the other nothing.

op unless you feel your dm doesn’t have capacity or is being spiteful i would try and make peace with the situation she probably feels she is being helpful to her dgc I do understand why you feel like you do though

i don’t want to derail your thread with my own personal circumstances but it could be a lot worse the shorten version is we were a very close family until a year ago when my dsis decided to block she is a financial nightmare and dm mentioned money missing from her account so I very politely raised concerns dsis may get in trouble dsis has removed me as poa done an equity release on dm house and dm is unsure if she has changed her will so dsis gets everything not sure on her capacity level so Social services are involved who have referred it to the police and opg so not only has some of it already been spent me and my dc have been disinherited I have through no fault of my own lost my relationship with my dsis and now have a strained relationship with dm and my adult dc want nothing to do with either of them

My mother (mid 80s) has just rewritten her will predominantly in favour of her grandchildren. But, this is in the context of her having already passed on a substantial portion of her assets to my sister and I, when downsizing, and making it clear to us that that was our share. She's also keen that the grandchildren don't actually get their share till they're a bit older, ideally when they are a bit more established in life and ready to use a house deposit or whatever. We're still awaiting further financial advice as I think the taxes on will trusts could influence how she wants her instructions interpreted! (But if that advice tells me I'm wrong that would be better still!)

OP, I'm sorry you're facing a situation that feels unfair.

If you and your DDs can reach agreement on a more fair distribution then you don't need to talk to your mother at all. When the time comes you can pay a solicitor to draw up a deed of variation, a document which legally changes the terms of the will after death, but in the eyes of the law as if the testator wrote it.

This means everything is taken as if being in the original document for tax etc. The deed has to be written in a special way known as "writing back" by inserting various bits of legal text, and all beneficiaries effected must agree and sign. There is a time limit of 2 years after the death to do this.

Will only work if you can find agreement, but it takes the pressure away from talking to your mum.

The way the OP describes the will is that savings will be halved between the two and the flat left to the younger - well a solicitor better have explained to the testator that if the savings are all gone by the time she dies one granddaughter will get everything and the other nothing

This is indeed a very important point.

What if mother needs prolonged care in a nursing home? This could wipe out most of the cash very quicky. But only one granddaughter will inherit the flat!

This could end in more than tears... One can only hope the lucky woman would have the decency to even to split the value with her sister (and her mother?), but this is placing a heavy responsibility on very young shoulders.

Traditions and etiquette around a will???. There is no etiquette pertaining to a will. Everone's is different; some are like Jardyce vs Jardyce, some are straightforward, some leave £1000's, some leave pennies.
Those who believe the parents owe them their money, and will not care for them unless they know they will be getting dosh - what will you do if your parents don't have they money to pay you? Is that the same? Do they get abandoned?
in France, there is a set of inheritance laws; they favour the children, so that's a great place for the money-grabbing to move their parents.
The sense of entitlement and piety regarding other people's money here is phenomonal. And revolting

Why should they?

Oh, you think that's acceptable?? TELL your children to give you money? Do your children have to hand over their pocket money if told? Would you give your money if told??
Daftest comment to date

I don't think she's done anything wrong tbh. She's given you some fun money but she wants her savings to be put to as much use as possible. Your generation had it much easier than your children's. It's much harder to get on the property ladder now. She is making sure they both do and that they have a good nest egg for the future. By your own admission, you don't seem to be able to leave your children anything or help them financially. And the money would be spent on luxuries for yourself that she clearly doesn't value becuase she has forgone them herself.

Why should she live a frugal life, living on only necessities, building savings, so you don't have to do the same? Makes far more sense to make that sacrifice so her grandchild can have a stable home that she might not be able to achieve otherwise.

'I do hope the will can be changed to your satisfaction"
And there it is: entitlement, selfishness and controlling in one sentence.
It is the individuals money to dispose of in whichever way the so desire.
It is no one else's fucking business. You want people to coerce their relatives into leaving their money to them?
Why not just point a gun at them?
What greedy, selfish, revolting people many become where their parent's money is involved

Most people are driven by a love for their family. Maybe you just don’t get that.
My mum died of Alzheimer’s last year so thanks for binging that up. I provided a lot of care for her before she was unable to live at home anymore, as I loved her very much. I expected nothing from the will, not because she hadn’t left anything to me but because at the point she needed specialised care, I had to sell her home to pay for the extortionate fees. I chose the best care home I could find for her knowing it would eat all the money up.
My father abandoned me when I was a child so no I will not be providing care for him as I have never met him. I will also not be inheriting from him which is fine, I couldn’t care less.

If you can’t see that deciding to cut someone out of a will could cause hurt and it’s nothing to do with money grabbing entitlement, then I think you must lack empathy.

I did not bring up the death of your mother, for christ's sake. As you are well aware, my post was written generally, not directed at you; how would I know your personal circumstance?
I didn't say omitting someone from a will wouldn't be hurtful either, I merely said that many people just expect to inherit, yet no-one should expect anything. And i was highlighting the as is often written here, there is a transactional approach to care where many suggest they won't care for their parents if they are not in the will.

Well you quoted me and asked me what I would do about my parents so I responded.

That's currently but may change in the future.

Your DM is throwing a hand grenade into your family dynamics, I would not be impressed.

I did not personally ask you

£300K is below the IHT limit, so I doubt that would be the reason. However, although it sounds a lot, if she needs care in her final years, it will soon go, especially as the gov have scrapped implementing the £86k cap that was planned to come in.

It’s to keep it out of your divorce.

Oh op. I understand.

same situation here. My parents are leaving all (not massive) to their 8 grandchildren. My aunt and uncle - no kids, and due to family rifts I am the only one who had any relationship to them, did all the caring etc, managed the Poa, was executor and so on - left it all (considerable) to be split between the same 8 children, mine being the only ones they had ever met.

so a generation missed out completely.

My siblings are all married, good jobs etc. like you I am on my own. Have an ok job but nothing major. So on my own for retirement etc.

logically, of course, it’s their money, they can do what they like etc etc. but emotionally, it’s a gut punch. I just felt so….unvalued. Rejected. Like everything I’ve done for them (which is loads) is completely unappreciated.

still feel it tbh. so really feel for you.

i don’t know how we get past it. Suppose focusing on the fact that at least the kids will be ok. And we can spend what we have on our own retirement, knowing that the kids are provided for.

I’m actually going to talk it through with a counsellor someday. See if that helps.

anyway, that’s not much help to you except to say that I understand completely, it’s the emotional side that hurts x

My mother made a ridiculous Will too, leaving her money in random proportions and most of it to one grandchild. We managed not to fall out but I can see why some families do. It’s such an idiotic thing to do. Just leave to all children equally and be done

Do you have a public sector pension? Tbh I’d be ok with this, it would mean i don’t have to worry about my kids.

Sounds like she might be worried that anything she gave you would have to be split in half with your ex.

I get where you are coming from and I'd also be a bit salty about it, particularly as if she needs hands on care I bet it will be coming from you rather than your DDs, but I guess you have to let go of it.

I am an only DC and technically will inherit most of my DPs money, but I am not counting on any of it as if they need to go into a care home, or Labour changes the inheritance rules then I'm not going to get very much anyway. Besides it's their money, not mine.

And I don't earn £200k either, I know nobody who does.

@dontstopmenowimhavingagoodtime writes ".......Your DM is throwing a hand grenade into your family dynamics ........."

Too true

Sorry, but it sounds like she's given it some thought and that is what she wants.

I'd say it's quite a good solution, albeit there is scope for your daughter with the house to say "it's not fair, why should I be penalised becuase I already have a house?"

What are thoughts on that?

Because ultimately it's irrelevant, it's your mother's wishes and I actually think it's a good solution she has come to.

Fair doesn't really come into it, although I wouldn't really say she's being unfair.

Also, all a moot point if it's needed for care.

At the moment it's very much still your mother's money and I find it grabby when people talk about "their" inheritence.

If I were you I'd be delighted that my daughters were being given a big helping hand in life.