Mother's will

[Lemonmeringue76]

I am being totally eaten up with this and I finding it hard to let it go or move past it. My mum is on her own and leads an extremely frugal life. She is in her 90s. She had accumulated a huge amount of savings- somewhere between 250k and 300k. She also had a flat worth about 130k. Apart from 30k, she is leaving everything to my two children. My younger DD is likely to inherit about 250k which seems a huge amount of money for a young woman to inherit.
I am separated and not particularly well off. Some more of this money would mean a lot to me and would provide me with se purity as I come towards retirement (I'm in my 50s.)
I don't want this to define all our family relationships but I find it so unfair and so hurtful that I can't think of anything else.
AIBU?

How is your relationship with your mother in other respects? When you were younger, if she couldn't have something nice, did that mean you couldn't have it, either? Eg, she never had ice cream, so she never bought you an ice cream?

And did she then treat your children differently?

Wills often reflect a person's general attitude in life, so favoritism and values can be reflected. That's why they're so emotive. It isn't just about the money, but it can make someone feel loved (or not), particularly when it's a parent's will

It may be that her savings are used for care and your children end up with very little, but if they do get a large inheritance, I think you could very reasonably tell them that you have received nothing by comparison and therefore you will be offering a thoughtful token gift for large life events rather than large financial contributions. See that inheritance as completely yours to invest or enjoy.

The solicitor would have been concerned that you are in a sketchy legal situation as you are not properly divorced. If you inherited then died yourself without a will your Dh gets most of it.

Disagree. We don’t have to live with unfair choices if the originator isn’t around to witness it. Just because she carved things up in a ridiculous manner the surviving family can hone it to their liking.

Her choices were not unfair.
Obviously another 'i'm entitled to inheritance' person

But morals are subjective. Someone else might think the moral thing to do in the example you posted is to even things out to bring the less well off one up to the level of the other, rather than leaving them still in unequal positions 🤷‍♀️

If my uncle gave me his estate, and my brother nothing, I’d sort it fairly with my brother after uncle died.

I could not enjoy the spoils of an estate if my sibling/offspring were considerably less financially stable. I’d balance the books.

All assuming relations were reasonable between all parties prior.

Im talking about giving more away than keeping myself. The OP’s daughters ought to be suggesting this anyway, as the major beneficiaries. I hope they’re not day dreaming about a life of luxury before they’ve equalled things up with their one and only Mother.

I knew we’d get the inheritance extremists on this thread. Put yourself in her shoes - would you not be upset by such harsh financial moves? It’s a snub, and it’s badly managed. But thankfully it can be sorted, as I describe above.

OP - any thoughts?

I would be happy that my kids were getting a great start!

sorry OP failing to see your part in this

I disagree, and the relationships here are completely different than between siblings. The OP seems to begrudge her own children their inheritance. My view is that if we have children we are here to provide for them, NOT the other way round! And usually this is what parents wish to do above all else anyway! The children will have their lives to live, homes to set up, kids to have and pay for etc etc, I think it would be completely unreasonable to expect them to share with old ma so she can go on 5* holidays. It would be different if the OP was struggling but it doesn't sound like she is.

Maybe she's picked up on your attitude towards her and decided to skip a generation

@Lemonmeringue76 I totally understand your hurt. My friend's mum did a similar thing, leaving a massive % to a financially secure cousin, and the impact on my friend will be a difficult old age, maybe being forced out of her home town. She also wonders why the solicitor didn't query the Will, as it was such an unusual distribution of her Estate. She is incredibly hurt.

I do think your mum may be worried about your ex claiming money from you though. Maybe you could speak to her about this? Also any money to grandchildren should be divided equally to avoid family fallouts.

Could you ask her to consider splitting everything 3 ways instead OP?

And this parent is not providing for her child. She’s skipping her; bypassing her in the generational hierarchy and isn’t communicating her reasons fairly. Transparently. She’s the child in this. And her Mum is missing her out. And that isn’t acceptable unless there are other factors that we don’t know about.

“There you go dear, I’ve left you a third each to allow the girls to enjoy some now when they need it most. You’ll be ok as you’ve got your pension and your unencumbered flat so 33% ought to suffice. Let me know if you disagree and we can talk.”

People make this so bloody hard and it’s really pointless.

I don’t think that’s fair at all to put pressure on your children to take their money. I can understand op is hurt but ultimately it’s her Dm choice to leave it to her grandchildren. And has the benefit that op won’t have to provide for them.

It doesn’t.

Unless you’re incapable of speaking to your own close family.

It’s not for solicitors to police how people choose to leave their money

If either of my parents had money to leave, I would be delighted if they left it to my dds. I can’t imagine a world where I would resent them for this.

Doesn't negate the fact that the OP is envious of her own children and wants their inheritance for herself.

It’s Dm money. She is choosing to leave it to her gc. It’s unfair to pressure you children to give you money especially if you don’t need it

I bet you and others wouldn’t be saying that if you were the OP’s age and facing a modest quality of life for years, on one income.

I don't blame you for being upset OP, I'd be absolutely gutted. Am also divorced and facing older age with pretty limited means. I think it's really hurtful.

I know a family where the grandmother left all her money to her granddaughters and all her possessions to her stepchildren. The mother had to buy back any family things she wanted. So incredibly fucked up.

I can understand how you feel. Honestly, if my grandparent gave me and my siblings money and overlooked our parent who is their biological child and I know they need it, the least we’ll do is to ensure the money gets shared in 3 equal parts. Are your children empathetic, do you think they’ll likely make it even when their grandparent is gone?

My Will is about passing on what I have left, not about engineering other people’s lives. So it will be left in equal amounts to my Dc.

I would never leave different amounts based on circumstances. Circumstances could change the day after I die.

So OP, I would be sad that my Dc were not benefitting equally, and think that however ‘ethical’ anyone is, it is natural to have an emotional reaction to people being treated differently, and OK for you and your DD’s to feel sad that your Mum has chosen not to divide her eventual estate equally.

She hasn’t asked to be put in this shit position. It’s being forced upon her.

If my Mum gave my kids her money, and they went and used it without considering the position it left me in, undoubtedly it would cause resentment.

What’s more important here? Misguided will structuring or the cohesion of the remaining family.

Or the OP could just get over herself and be happy for her children and content with what she has, including the £30k she received from the will.

Yep. She can just ignore the other £350k plus.

33.33% x 3 is life changing money for all parties.

Let’s hope they can arrive at that split without the world imploding or a MN Will Extremist smashing up their keyboard.