Friend skimping on dinner

[Aadamsfamily]

Not entirely sure how to deal with this therefore asking for sensible advice on how to deal with this situation.

I’ve been friends with someone for a few years now. I used to enjoy their company however now can give or take on the basis that I thought we’d find a deeper connection but mostly it ends up in talking about other people. I’m enjoying the outings less. Also started to notice over time a pattern building up. When we go out for dinner and It’s my turn to pay they usually get a main, dessert and a few drinks so between us the bill usually is around £100s.

When it’s their turn to pay, the meal is just main course, no more than one drink and no dessert. Under £50s. what I find a little frustrating is the conversations had are not only about other people but also what ridiculously expensive designer purchase they’re making. And they do frequently buy expensive items. Also gets really annoyed when their other half hasn’t spent x amount on their birthday and Xmas gift.

Also that expectation of lavish gifts was laid out to me therefore for birthdays and Xmas I’ve gifted them pretty expensive gifts but in return I’ve received something worth £20 and second hand gifts.

I have friendships with people I’ve known since my childhood and we just don’t exchange gifts or buy one another dinner and I like that. It’s easy and simple. Or on the odd occasion we do buy each other dinner (rare as we don’t see each other that often) it always equals out. I never take more than I give. Vice versa.

My partner was the person to point out the inconsistency in me buying meals and going out and gifts which I at first brushed over because I didn’t mind but more recently I was just a bit annoyed because it was a shitty cheap meal , superficial conversation, and then talk about their next £3k purchase.

what would you do? I see this person most days as I run into them due to work.

I’ve left some bits out re conversations because it’s quite outing!!

If it were me, I’d just find myself less available. You can run into someone at work without ending up out to dinner with them. Just gradually detach. It’s not worth it for this kind of friend.

Just insist on three courses and wine when it's their turn, and only spend max £20 on gifts!

I guess it depends how much you like their company. If you're not that keen then just phase out.

You are not being unreasonable. Now you have awakened to the fact that she does this, you don’t have to go along with her using you as a cash cow.

Either stop the meals altogether or else say that from now you will each just pay for your own share.

Rather than take it in turns I’d split the bill each time. I’d be a bit less available too.

I often wonder in cases like this, does that someone realise that they do this?

Stop taking turns paying for dinner, and pay for your own; let her sit and watch you enjoy your dessert while she eats a bread roll.

I would definitely stop the present giving, saying due to cost of living you can no longer buy the expensive presents like you have been. Meals out, suggest 50/50 again saying you cannot afford expensive meals out.

If it's their turn to pay have a last blast meal out and gorge yourself.. Then back away.

Split the bills, ditch presents.

youve a few options.

1. next time say you will pay for your own meals.
2. youve left your wallet at home so she pays the big bill
3. just turn the offer to go out down

I just couldn't deal with someone who had nothing better to talk about. I would be bored out of my gourd talking about handbags.

Just start distancing yourself. Respond slower to texts, be busy and vague but remain polite.

Does she say you cannot order starter and dessert or more drinks, or does she just not and you match he5 behaviour?

If you are fed up of her antics - and I suspect you are tiring of her big time, just let things slide and only meet for coffee from now on.

She sounds like hard work and although I don't know either of you, I have had "leeching" friends in the past. I got to the stage where I resented seeing them because I knew what the drill would be, yes me paying for the expensive outings and them paying for the take aways/special offer places. I didn't do anything bitchy or awful, I just gradually let things slide with decent reasons. I don't see them anymore and am all the better for it. It can get to you and make you mad as hell!

Mindless gossip and boasting: Why is she your friend?

Just keep making excuses. It's not worth coming up with a strategy for equalising the spending and trying to implement it for the sake of company you don't even enjoy. If you loved the woman it'd be worth finding a way to tactfully deal with it, but for this one..? Just keep declining the meet up suggestions.

Suggest meeting for coffee next time, phase out the lunches.

Split the bill? What is this nonsense about taking turns, I don't do it with anyone

She sounds like a nightmare.

1. her form of entertainment is talking about others
2. she is tight with you
3. but generous with herself
4. she’s taking advantage of you financially You sound like you have zero in common, OP. You are worried about upsetting her but she’s not bothered about upsetting you. You already have a great set of friends - make them a priority. Then invent a major financial project (an extension, for example) and tell her all your spare funds are going to be put aside for that so you will happy to just do coffee from now on. Spilt the bill and insist on it, you will feel better. And always remember someone who spends their whole conversation talking about other people probably talks about you. She’s giving Mean Girls main character energy. In your world, reduce her role!

Stop buying the expensive gifts and ask to split the bill each time rather than taking it in turns to pay? Seems fairly easily solvable.

She doesn’t sound much fun so on that basis I’d back away but I’m interested to know how the inconsistency in meals plays out?

does she specifically limit what you can order or do you follow her lead when she says “oh im just having a main?”

Thank you for your responses . Really helpful.

@halava i think that’s the feeling I feel. Resentment. Which doesn’t feel good because I usually keep to myself and have done a pretty good job of keeping my circle tight and being happy overall. The last occasion which I can’t really go into detail without outing myself bothered me so much and it’s this one I’m struggling to let go of. Because it was really bad.

@DancingFerret because it didn’t start off like that. I think they were drawn to me initially because I was quite a deep conversationalist and they liked that but it feels like they’ve infiltrated that niceness with their nature which is bitchiness? It’s happened over a few years and more recently when my partner asked whether I had a nice time I simply replied ‘no’. And explained the conversation wasn’t fulfilling in the slightest. I felt slightly dirty afterwards.

as I’m reading the responses I realise I just don’t want to go out with them anymore and actually I don’t want to give anymore of my money and time to them. I think I’d be less available.

what’s irritating is I’m much more financially secure than this person in the long run so I wonder whether they’re just using me. They are quite fragile in terms of how they see the world and their desires are a reflection of their fragility. In those moments I feel really heartbroken for them because I don’t think they had the proper strong woman/ man figure in their life?

it’s just weird because the Xmas gift and birthday gift thing was pretty much laid out in terms of ‘it has to be a nice gift as I like nice things’ and then in return I get gifts that I pass on to my little cousins because they’re just things that you gift as stocking fillers.

They sound like awful company - crass, stingey and mean about others. Don't bother playing any games, just stop hanging out with them. If they ask tell them you don't feel there's much in common between you.

Omg, bored out of my gourd is excellent

I wonder too and think, well surely no one can be that crass and insensitive. It’s either that, yes indeed they are or they’re completely sociopathic. Either way, I’d avoid like the plague.