Friend skimping on dinner

[Aadamsfamily]

Not entirely sure how to deal with this therefore asking for sensible advice on how to deal with this situation.

I’ve been friends with someone for a few years now. I used to enjoy their company however now can give or take on the basis that I thought we’d find a deeper connection but mostly it ends up in talking about other people. I’m enjoying the outings less. Also started to notice over time a pattern building up. When we go out for dinner and It’s my turn to pay they usually get a main, dessert and a few drinks so between us the bill usually is around £100s.

When it’s their turn to pay, the meal is just main course, no more than one drink and no dessert. Under £50s. what I find a little frustrating is the conversations had are not only about other people but also what ridiculously expensive designer purchase they’re making. And they do frequently buy expensive items. Also gets really annoyed when their other half hasn’t spent x amount on their birthday and Xmas gift.

Also that expectation of lavish gifts was laid out to me therefore for birthdays and Xmas I’ve gifted them pretty expensive gifts but in return I’ve received something worth £20 and second hand gifts.

I have friendships with people I’ve known since my childhood and we just don’t exchange gifts or buy one another dinner and I like that. It’s easy and simple. Or on the odd occasion we do buy each other dinner (rare as we don’t see each other that often) it always equals out. I never take more than I give. Vice versa.

My partner was the person to point out the inconsistency in me buying meals and going out and gifts which I at first brushed over because I didn’t mind but more recently I was just a bit annoyed because it was a shitty cheap meal , superficial conversation, and then talk about their next £3k purchase.

what would you do? I see this person most days as I run into them due to work.

I’ve left some bits out re conversations because it’s quite outing!!

Thank you @CountessWindyBottom . I love the name.

I’m sorry you also had the unfortunate experience of having a friendship like that but glad you were able to ghost her. I think your description of ‘slow assassination of a character’ hits the nail on the head. But because it happened so slowly I never saw it coming which is why more recently I’ve felt dirty with the outings.

I've had friends like that and it's a nightmare. It creeps up on you and by the time you realise you feel really bad ending the friendship 'out of nowhere' but, of course, it's only out of nowhere because you've finally realised. And once you've seen it you can't unsee it. Usually the people using you as emotional run offs whilst doing absolutely nothing to sort their own issues to stop the misery flow.

Personally I'd pull right back or maybe even ghost. Doesn't sound like the friendship is worth the chat to try to fix it.

I'm wondering whether the slow fade is needed. Sometimes users stop bothering you when they realise you're no longer of use to them.

If you were to say 'I'm on a budget so let's split the bill rather than taking turns' or 'let's not do presents this year - I'm only buying for close family', perhaps the problem would sort itself out.

I don't understand. Does she order for you? Have what you want and split the bill accordingly like everyone else does.

Thank you kindly (beams behind's one fan).

It was the 'feeling dirty' that resonated with me. This woman and I were firm friends but over time I'd leave our interactions, come home and feel....bleh. And in a negative head space and exhausted because I felt complicit in some way.

She'd start with an innocuous comment like 'I thought Katy would never shut up in that management meeting' and I'd agree because perhaps Katy was annoying in the meeting. And then over time, over many conversations, she would destroy a person's character and yet actively seek her target out. It was warped and weird and while it's been years, I bumped into that very person Katy not so long ago and former friend and her are firm friends. If she had only heard the vitriolic stuff that was spewed about her.....it's so toxic.

It's like ex friend was only truly happy when belittling others.

Glad you have seen the light @Aadamsfamily!

Don't know who said it to me, but it was along the lines 'if you have to ask, you don't have to ask'. Or suchlike. Meaning if you have to tell them they are taking advantages, don't tell them they are, because it is over, too late, friendship gone and they won't understand anyway. I was dating a guy ages ago, a rich guy, and he did something similar. I cut contact, and he kept phoning me (before email and mobiles) saying 'what the f is wrong, I thought we had such a good time', all the while I, a student, was subsidising his meal choices and he was a broker. I just could not bother to explain, it just felt embarrassing, mean, small. Just cut contact gradually.

I’m sort of agreeing with some of the responses but something wasn’t clear to me. I guess I don’t understand why this friend got away with the larger courses endlessly, when it was your turn to pay. Why not yourself do the same back if alternative outings you knew she was paying? Sorry if this was asked or obvious, I don’t get how this pattern continued. Also, same with gifts. When she gave you a cheaper present why not dial it down next one even if she was all about talking about expensive presents, you decide if you really want to do that.

I’m not for the friendship for the reason of talking about other people. I had a friend like that myself - gone.

I guess I just didn’t understand the dinner rotations and presents - how you ended up pretty much funding this woman for ages.

@CountessWindyBottom yes! Just by being sat across the table I would feel complicit because really what I usually do (mostly with people I’m super comfortable with) is question what’s being said. So if someone said ‘Katy would t stop speaking in that meeting’ my usual approach is to ask follow up questions like, ‘why do you think that is? What was the purpose of the meeting? Do you think maybe Katy is doing this because she is managing the team and is required to meet certain goals as part of her job? How can we understand Katy so we are able to enjoy our working environment?’ Just trying to break it down with some logic and trying to understand that not everyone in this world is mean and it’s rather easy to misunderstand someone based on maybe passed experiences that have been similar. But somehow I lost my some of identity along the way with this friend and I just felt the unease creeping up.

@Cherandcheralike yes . I think you understand . They have the potential to come out of that hole but they don’t want to because I feel like they’re comfortable in it. This person does have so much going for them. It’s really sad to see.

@newnamethanks they don’t order for me. They just set the tone. I’m not hungry and I won’t be having dessert, there’s more of an urgency to leave earlier than when I’m paying etc. just imagine you’ve just sat down and the first thing the person says is in a blunt tone ‘I’m not hungry, I’m just having a main and won’t be having dessert’ … instead of the niceties.

It is ok to have 'lite' friends.

Not every friendship needs to be deep and meaningful.
I think it's important that you've recognised these patterns and now you know you can decide on the terms you want to engage on, how often you meet up, where you go etc

She's always taking the piss with what she chooses, so if you decide to see her again, just say 'look i would prefer it going forward that we split the bill'

You don't need to say anything more. See how she reacts to this and decide whether you want to see her again.

Why do you need a separate app to do that?

All phones have calculator apps on them.

I don't understand how the OP has been railroaded into taking turns for paying for meals. I have never done this. Whenever I meet anyone for a meal we either split the bill equally if we have had pretty much the same value meals or we each pay for ourselves.

In this case it sounds like the "friend" isn't being much of a friend, and I would just be busy every time she suggests a meet up.

I think it's far more likely that your grabby friend got her friend to pay her for the ticket, thereby covering the cost of her own. Trust your instincts - you don't need anyone's permission to drop this person.

I don’t think you’re actually friends, the example you've given where you question why her colleague was being annoying and help her work out how she can move forward is like a therapist not a friend. My friends would say yeah sounds annoying and share their stories about annoying colleagues or talk about work generally. What do you want to talk about other than other people, do you have interests in common?

yes! Just by being sat across the table I would feel complicit because really what I usually do (mostly with people I’m super comfortable with) is question what’s being said. So if someone said ‘Katy would t stop speaking in that meeting’ my usual approach is to ask follow up questions like, ‘why do you think that is? What was the purpose of the meeting? Do you think maybe Katy is doing this because she is managing the team and is required to meet certain goals as part of her job? How can we understand Katy so we are able to enjoy our working environment?’ Just trying to break it down with some logic and trying to understand that not everyone in this world is mean and it’s rather easy to misunderstand someone based on maybe passed experiences that have been similar. But somehow I lost my some of identity along the way with this friend and I just felt the unease creeping up

This sounds like a very formal relationship rather than an actual friendship. It’s probably run its course.

I’d just tell them that you were watching your spends so were no longer buying adult friends presents and would be buying only your own meals from now on.

Sorry what I meant to say was it sounds like you’re looking for every different things out of a friendship, so your relationship with her has run its course.

I’d rather just pay for what I’ve had, it leaves me bitter when sharing is not equal, if it is, then fine. DH is always first to the bar, offers to pay etc and I love this about him, equally people know this and take the piss, I’ve lost count of the times we’ve walked into a pub and the other person decides they need the loo as soon as they walk in, or decide they want a bun/cake when we we’re just getting coffees ! And don’t get me started on others ordering bloody lobster and premium steaks, you know this is going to be one of the most expensive things on the menu !

you could pay when your turn, then on next meet up say, you know can we pay for what we have before ordering, without further explanation, hopefully they will think they have the better part of the bargain. If the topics are boring you discuss and you don’t want to continue and it’s not worth keeping the friendship when it’s possible only an hour or two of your time, then don’t x possibly if you pay for your own, this maybe the last time x

If youre not enjoying it any more, and this person doesn’t bring goodness to your life, don’t go. We have no obligation to continue any relationship.

I would say. You are watching the pennies. So when you go out. Lets not split bills. Lets. Just pay for our own

I would say. You are watching the pennies. So when you go out. Lets not split bills. Lets. Just pay for our own

It is ok to have 'lite' friends

Not every friendship needs to be deep and meaningful

Huge difference between friends you can have superficial fun with and friends who spend their time negging and slagging off other people behind their backs. People who gossip about others constantly to you are without a doubt slagging you off to other people as well. Why wouldnt they if thats their literal definition of fun/friendship?

@fantasycake I did also say that OP can choose how she wants to manage this friendship now that she has noticed these patterns - taking the piss with menu choices and topics of conversation.

In the past I have had friendships where we have 'slagged people off' - usually work mates where we've had awful managers. Sometimes these friendships have flourished into something deeper, sometimes not.
I have also told mates if they were out of order if they were being unkind about someone.
There are lots of different types of relationships / friendships - some are worth keeping, others not so much.

I'd just distance myself from her tbh. But if you do go out again and it's her turn to pay there's nothing wrong with staying that your hungry and will be ordering a starter, main and pudding, I'd also order a few drinks just for good measure

absolute taker who is using you for your giving nature - I would ditch them asap.

I've a friend that I dine out with often. She likes the posher restaurants (cloth napkins, somalier etc) whilst I prefer nandos or harvester type places, which imo are perfectly fine, and at a third of the price. We both kind of tolerate the others choice, but if we end up somewhere posh and it's my turn to pay, then i definitely try to get the cheapest option and skip dessert etc. it's not that I can't afford, but more like these places make me feel like I'm being ripped off.

Why do you take it in turns to pay? Either split the bill or pay for your own.

I wouldn't choose to eat in a Nandos or Harvester either TBH. For the same budget I'd go Chinese, Turkish, Thai or Indian.