Friend skimping on dinner

[Aadamsfamily]

Not entirely sure how to deal with this therefore asking for sensible advice on how to deal with this situation.

I’ve been friends with someone for a few years now. I used to enjoy their company however now can give or take on the basis that I thought we’d find a deeper connection but mostly it ends up in talking about other people. I’m enjoying the outings less. Also started to notice over time a pattern building up. When we go out for dinner and It’s my turn to pay they usually get a main, dessert and a few drinks so between us the bill usually is around £100s.

When it’s their turn to pay, the meal is just main course, no more than one drink and no dessert. Under £50s. what I find a little frustrating is the conversations had are not only about other people but also what ridiculously expensive designer purchase they’re making. And they do frequently buy expensive items. Also gets really annoyed when their other half hasn’t spent x amount on their birthday and Xmas gift.

Also that expectation of lavish gifts was laid out to me therefore for birthdays and Xmas I’ve gifted them pretty expensive gifts but in return I’ve received something worth £20 and second hand gifts.

I have friendships with people I’ve known since my childhood and we just don’t exchange gifts or buy one another dinner and I like that. It’s easy and simple. Or on the odd occasion we do buy each other dinner (rare as we don’t see each other that often) it always equals out. I never take more than I give. Vice versa.

My partner was the person to point out the inconsistency in me buying meals and going out and gifts which I at first brushed over because I didn’t mind but more recently I was just a bit annoyed because it was a shitty cheap meal , superficial conversation, and then talk about their next £3k purchase.

what would you do? I see this person most days as I run into them due to work.

I’ve left some bits out re conversations because it’s quite outing!!

I am late to the thread, and from your updates I think you have resolved what to do.

But I also found my self in a similar situation. I realised that it was me doing all the arranging to go out, she only phoned me if she wanted something and mainly me doing the paying. I thought I would put this to the test, so I invited her to come to a local attraction with me and DS (aged about 4). I picked her up, got her into the attraction on my yearly pass, bought us all lunch and paid for a ride for us all. I said I was going to get DS an ice cream, half expecting her to offer to get it, but she made no offer. Then I said I am having one too, do you want one? Yes please, she says. On the way out she suggested going to the shop, and she spent £30 in cash on garden stuff for her. And then I dropped her back home.

That was the last time I called her. She called us a couple of times because she wanted something, but we were unable to assist, and the friendship fizzled out. I was annoyed I hadn't spotted the trend sooner but I never regretted bringing it to a close.

It happens, but do what you know you need to 🙂

Each one of you pay their own share of the dinner. Sounds to me that she is not a real friend.

If you have so little in common I would gradually start filtering this person out your life. If she suggests a meal say oh am on a budget so main course only and do not spend anymore than £20 on any gift it should be the thought that counts not the pricetag. She sounds as though she going to keep demanding more and more. Good luck

This... quite simple really
You could add ... see them less often if it's not actually enjoyable

Thank you for your responses. Really great advice and food for thought. I apologise for not addressing everyone individually but just to say I do hear you loud and clear.

I received a message to which I delayed the response . It was short and to the point and read something along the lines of ‘I’m not sure, can I get back you when I’m less busy’ to which I got ‘well I hope you the best for the future’. No idea what to make of that.

I do want to point out - I don’t feel like I’m better than her like someone said though I can understand why my message came across that way in my second point. I was just trying to give some perspective on the situation so help you understand it better and I thought that was relevant. I did really like the person but I know not everything works out.

OP excuse me If this has already been asked, but who’s turn is it to pay the next time you meet up?

Was your message a response to her inviting you out? @Aadamsfamily

If so, it sounds like she realises you’re distancing yourself from her so she’s getting in there first by saying farewell all the best etc.

I suspect she’s did this to a lot of people so she’s used to recognising the signs of friends who are slow fading her.

And sometimes manipulative people send confusing or obscure messages like that deliberately, to try and prolong a conversation so this may even be intentional.

I’d say just don’t respond again, and if she contacts you again in the future just say you’re not available and decline the invitation outright.

it was a ‘how are you? When do you fancy meeting next’ to which I said ‘let me get back to you’ .

I think you’re right. I think she’s feeling rejected and yes I do feel bad and not comfortable but in the long run it will mean I won’t be frustrated.

Has she possibly seen your thread on mumsnet and worked out that she was the subject OP?

Don’t feel bad, easier than done I know but there’s no need to feel bad. She has been taking advantage of you and you are bringing that to an end now.

If anyone should feel bad it’s her. I doubt she’ll reflect on what she’s done for these friendships to end but that’s on her.

Indeed - in the long term it’s for the best despite the feeling of discomfort or guilt you may be experiencing now.

I have no way of knowing but if she has then I suppose the good thing that comes from it is she has read in detail (ish) the things she’s done that I felt were unfair.

Why have you been putting up with this?

Next time you go out, say you've noticed that you always pay for more expensive meals and you'd like to pay for yourself going forward.

Say you want to stop doing birthday gifts.

I would be paying just for myself each time and would be rather less available x

Oh that's awful. What's wrong with these people?

Here's a heart-warming story to remind us that for every cheeky fucker there's many more decent people who will treat you well.

I was on a year long work placement and the lowest paid. We live somewhere renowned for the night life and made the most of it. Great people. The best and wildest time of my life 😄

We'd go straight from work and they always insisted I bought the first round. The reason - it was still happy hour and was the cheapest round of the night by a mile. Turned out they always did this with placement students They didn't want anyone excluded from the fun just because they earned less.

My most outrageous cheeky fucker experience was many many years ago. My friend had seen some shoes she wanted. They were strange (well, ugly) shoes, sort of ballet flats but in a variety of garish patterns with sequins 😲

They were £10 a pair or two pairs for £15. She found one pair and asked which ones I liked. I thought she was struggling to decide on the second pair. She mentioned the offer making it only £7.50 each. It took me a minute to realise she expected me to buy the second pair so she'd only pay £7.50 for hers. She threw an entitled hissy fit when I said I wouldn't buy shoes I didn't like just to save her money. She actually thought I was the one being unreasonable.

You could just suggest that you share the bill each time