Friend skimping on dinner

[Aadamsfamily]

Not entirely sure how to deal with this therefore asking for sensible advice on how to deal with this situation.

I’ve been friends with someone for a few years now. I used to enjoy their company however now can give or take on the basis that I thought we’d find a deeper connection but mostly it ends up in talking about other people. I’m enjoying the outings less. Also started to notice over time a pattern building up. When we go out for dinner and It’s my turn to pay they usually get a main, dessert and a few drinks so between us the bill usually is around £100s.

When it’s their turn to pay, the meal is just main course, no more than one drink and no dessert. Under £50s. what I find a little frustrating is the conversations had are not only about other people but also what ridiculously expensive designer purchase they’re making. And they do frequently buy expensive items. Also gets really annoyed when their other half hasn’t spent x amount on their birthday and Xmas gift.

Also that expectation of lavish gifts was laid out to me therefore for birthdays and Xmas I’ve gifted them pretty expensive gifts but in return I’ve received something worth £20 and second hand gifts.

I have friendships with people I’ve known since my childhood and we just don’t exchange gifts or buy one another dinner and I like that. It’s easy and simple. Or on the odd occasion we do buy each other dinner (rare as we don’t see each other that often) it always equals out. I never take more than I give. Vice versa.

My partner was the person to point out the inconsistency in me buying meals and going out and gifts which I at first brushed over because I didn’t mind but more recently I was just a bit annoyed because it was a shitty cheap meal , superficial conversation, and then talk about their next £3k purchase.

what would you do? I see this person most days as I run into them due to work.

I’ve left some bits out re conversations because it’s quite outing!!

I'd just say you're saving for something and watching the pennies at the moment, so if you do meet, could you meet for coffee, and stop with the present-giving.

ah okay. Sorry when I said heartbroken I meant that they have not had it easy in life and that’s why I didn’t mind speaking to them so I felt heartbroken for them and their story. I just sort of felt like they seemed to be drawn to me because I was essentially putting into practice a lot of things I’d learned from therapy over the years and the year they met me I was feeling my best because things were just working out. And I don’t know, they spoke a little about some of the hardship they went through in life and still are dealing with and I felt like perhaps we can be good reminders for one another but I chose to continue to remain in therapy just as a MOT type measure whereas this person I realise has no interest in therapy or improving themselves . I do believe they come from a broken home but I don’t believe they want to do the work to resolve the issues and instead numb themselves by expecting and buying lavish gifts and expecting to enjoy the company of others? Is it worth mentioning they mentioned that one of their friends ditched them and instead of feeling sorry for them I’d come to the conclusion that person had enough of them.

This, not least because you cn queue to buy your on coffee/cake, and let her pay for her own, and you can be done in an hour … or you can text OH to call you with an ‘emergency’ and bail if she just goes on and on.

But I’d space the coffees out and let the relationship drift. Whatever connected you originally is no longer there. People change and what you need from a relationship changes. You’re not a bad person if you let this ship pass in the night and head for sunnier shores!

I think it can definitely be a sitch where it slowly creeps up on you. You are not an idiot. Ditch her and don't feel you have to explain or make excuses. This might involve her throwing a strop. Example:
Her: Shall we do dinner on Friday?
You: No thanks.
Her: Oh. Well, Saturday then.
You: No, got to go - bye.
Her: [texting later] You have really hurt me, I thought we were friends.
You: [ignore the text]

You only have one life OP so pick your friends wisely. If a "friend" is constantly being negative and bitchy, an entitled cheapskate and taking advantage of you is that someone you want in your life?
I understand if you don't want a confrontation but you can just say you're saving for DH's birthday/holiday or whatever and that you can't spend any money but would she like to go for a walk? I'm pretty sure she will turn you down because she won't be able to get something from you. And if she does say yes you could bore her to death by taking a positive acceptance of everything stance. "So did you see Laura's outfit yesterday?" - Yes, she looked lovely.
"I want to buy this new Dior bag.." - if it makes you happy but I don't think we find happiness in material things. I'm thinking of volonteering for X, they really need people now with living costs soaring, would you like to come too? Or maybe make a donation instead of the Dior bag?

However you do it please get her out of your life. If she's bitching about others non-stop she's surely bitching about you as well. I know the type and stay faaar away from them.

Yes, that last paragraph is worth mentioning. Sounds almost like it was free therapy for her, when she needed it, but it was a card she was happy enough to keep.

I had a childhood friend who has expected me to pick up the bill and listen to all her trauma since our teen years. Only recently in our late 30s have I taken a step back and she’s clearly noticed. There’s essentially no more friendship as I’ve served my purpose in her eyes! I feel so relieved to have her out my life. I got her a thoughtful gift worth £250 for her milestone birthday (I had checked with her beforehand that she wanted it) and she sent a short “happy bday” text on mine, no card nada!

It wasn’t just that incident alone but that kind of summed up the imbalance.

You just need to cut some people loose or they’ll continue to suck you dry and take advantage. Either that or take a major step back and make sure you match their level of genorisity (or lack of it) and no more!

it’s just weird because the Xmas gift and birthday gift thing was pretty much laid out in terms of ‘it has to be a nice gift as I like nice things’ and then in return I get gifts that I pass on to my little cousins because they’re just things that you gift as stocking fillers.

I don’t understand this parallel universe so many mumsnet posters seem to live in. If someone tells you you have to get them a nice gift, you don’t obediently toddle off and spend £100 you can’t afford. You laugh and say haha, good one, and then don’t get them anything at all.

I really am grateful for the time every one of you have taken to write a response. I’m thankful and I sort of feel like my resentment can be replaced with a long term sensible approach that’s suits my life as opposed to being engulfed by the frustration of what’s happened. I know people have much worse issues than this little dilemma I’m in 😅

I get you. It’s a bit of a punch in the stomach isn’t it? It’s not the end of the world but I suppose it’s the harsh reality of you being completely taken advantage of ?

This is sensible. Just split the bill every time.

I had a hard childhood, it made me really grateful when someone wanted to be my friend. It definitely didn’t make me a user, more terrified of being perceived as one. I’ve never treated anyone like it’s their job to repair my trauma with cash.

Instead of paying individually each time can you not just split the bill?

I’m sorry to hear that and good on you for treating others well and with respect.

This.
CF alert!!
You can get a bill splitting app.. and let her know up front that is what you've decided to do so there is no awkwardness at the meet up when you whip out your app. I expect she will do less of these meals when its even stevens.

Does she engineer the food that way? So you feel railroaded into only having a main and one drink? I would distance myself from her as she sounds tight, gossipy and boastful but first I would be petty and have a meal or two on her where you order the equivalent of what she does when you’re paying. Pay no heed if she says she’s not hungry or in a rush and order what you want.

@Cheesyfootballs01 i just don’t think I’ll continue to entertain it anymore. As I’m sat here reflecting it’s clear that I’m more bothered by it than I’ve allowed myself to acknowledge. I don’t like speaking to my partner about it because he gets irate and I find that instead of talking sensibly about it and being practical he just goes off on one which isn’t helpful but understandable.

there was one occasion that now comes to mind now that I’m able to reflect on it with useful feedback and I really do feel like a fool. We were supposed to go out one evening and pre paid for the booking which is refundable. I was unable to make it and luckily for them they took a replacement friend with them so their evening wasn’t ruined / cancelled however I never did get my refund. Instead I assume the other friend enjoyed my booking fee.

Yes that exactly. I think inevitably people start noticing patterns and that’s the pattern that’s come to light with the last outing. Which is they say ‘I’m not that hungry’ when it’s their time to pay so that sets the tone of the meal. Whereas when it’s my turn to pay they’re super starving by and have saved themselves all day for the meal.

Yeah I think you’re right. I did go out with another friend that I made recently and when I left that meal I said to my partner ‘omg she just covered the whole bill and we didn’t skimp’ (I’d covered the previous meal) and it was just a bit of a shock because by this point I wasn’t used to it. But also with that newer friend the conversation was ridiculously wholesome and on my wave length in terms of just advocating for women and feeling like we were able to learn from one another.

Agreed, I’m over it now but it’s not a nice feeling at all when you realise how they view the “friendship”. I’d known her most of my life so I was especially gutted when the penny began to drop.

In my case the friend had a rough childhood too and similar to you, I feel she did expect everyone (except her useless partner that she demanded little of ) to compensate for it.

I didn’t have an ideal childhood either but I’m not like that , so to be clear I’m not saying it’s the same for everyone with childhood trauma

That’s a fair question. I don’t know. It just crept up on me and I do have to take some responsibility.

I agree with others - become less available. If she asks why, then tell her.
But I guarantee she knows exactly what she’s doing and is quite happy to be benefiting from your “friendship”

Yup. I think a lot of people are doing very well in terms of communicating past experiences from their childhood that have had a long term impact on them. I’m the same and it’s amazing how freely we are able to talk about it to break cycles. I had a miserable and harrowing childhood but like you I try and search for people who I can learn from vice versa in order to stabilise myself but also help others walk through life so they don’t feel alone. Sometimes I have answers that others don’t have vice versa . Absolutely love hearing about other people’s stories because I think people can be amazing influences even if they’ve only partially overcome things and still have work to do. And that was what drew me in with this person. I enjoy learning about people and connecting.

I would suggest just paying for whatever you each have rather than take turns. And if she has bought you £20 gifts then of course you can do the same back. Or suggest not doing gifts anymore? I actually much prefer not exchanging gifts bar the odd nice bottle of wine or chocolates, Much easier.

Sounds to me like she groomed you a little insofar as she ingratiated herself, was overly nice and made you pity her and now, as time has elapsed, you are getting to see the real her.

And the real her sounds miserly, unkind, calculating, self-pitying and really rather awful so you just need to ditch her as a friend. I appreciate that you see her at work so niceties have to be maintained but I'd leave longer between replying to her and just not be available for any excursions.....ever.

I had a close work friend for a number of years and over time her bitching about colleagues became so incredibly toxic it was painful. And I found myself being roped into these conversations and I am by no means a shrinking violet, but she would talk about people and then slowly assassinate their characters over time, all the while being a delight to their faces. And it took time for me to see the light and when I moved jobs I was able to ghost her. I think it has also taken you time and that's ok. Sometimes it takes a little while for someone to show who they really are.

I think you know that this will only get worse. The extravagant gifts are a recent development and she will continue to up the ante. What an awful person! Simply decide that she is not worthy of your company and you can do this without any huge showdowns.