Friend skimping on dinner

[Aadamsfamily]

Not entirely sure how to deal with this therefore asking for sensible advice on how to deal with this situation.

I’ve been friends with someone for a few years now. I used to enjoy their company however now can give or take on the basis that I thought we’d find a deeper connection but mostly it ends up in talking about other people. I’m enjoying the outings less. Also started to notice over time a pattern building up. When we go out for dinner and It’s my turn to pay they usually get a main, dessert and a few drinks so between us the bill usually is around £100s.

When it’s their turn to pay, the meal is just main course, no more than one drink and no dessert. Under £50s. what I find a little frustrating is the conversations had are not only about other people but also what ridiculously expensive designer purchase they’re making. And they do frequently buy expensive items. Also gets really annoyed when their other half hasn’t spent x amount on their birthday and Xmas gift.

Also that expectation of lavish gifts was laid out to me therefore for birthdays and Xmas I’ve gifted them pretty expensive gifts but in return I’ve received something worth £20 and second hand gifts.

I have friendships with people I’ve known since my childhood and we just don’t exchange gifts or buy one another dinner and I like that. It’s easy and simple. Or on the odd occasion we do buy each other dinner (rare as we don’t see each other that often) it always equals out. I never take more than I give. Vice versa.

My partner was the person to point out the inconsistency in me buying meals and going out and gifts which I at first brushed over because I didn’t mind but more recently I was just a bit annoyed because it was a shitty cheap meal , superficial conversation, and then talk about their next £3k purchase.

what would you do? I see this person most days as I run into them due to work.

I’ve left some bits out re conversations because it’s quite outing!!

Gosh. Sounds boring and like the friendship is coming to a natural end.

Next time I'd say I'm watching my £££ so let's split the bill and I'd drop into conversation that you won't be doing adult gifts over the next year for the same reason.

I expect you will see it fizzle out quickly after that.

And if it doesn't I'd just be less available. Some friendships end. Sounds like this one needs to!

I would just distance yourself, it doesn’t sound like you’re feeling that great after spending time with them anyway. They sound like they’re just trying to get as much as they can from others and not give much in return, both financially and in company and that’s exhausting

I think it's always sensible to split the bill as there is always going to be an imbalance between difference restaurants . Or go to a pub where you just order your own food/drinks . I think expecting someone to foot a £100+ bill in one go is a lot (whether it's you or your friend). Even if the other person paid the previous time, things come up and money gets spent . Much easier to go out and know you are only paying for your own part. And if I was hard up and drinking lager whilst my friend drank cocktails I would be saying we should get our own.

It looks cheap. Do.you encourage her to eat and drink?

Why take it in turns? Why not just split the bill? Or better still, if you want a 3 course with drinks, then order that regardless of who's turn it is

Regarding gifts - I see that differently. Nobody is forcing you to spend loads

@Aadamsfamily I have read and reread your posts and I keep asking myself is the person you are talking about my friend also?!
it all sounds too familiar. I always pay more when we go out. I always pay more on presents and reading all the lovely replies I realise that I too have been used.
i’ll give you one funny example: in the last five years we both had significant birthdays. I bought her a gift which cost £30. I bought it because I remembered she saw it and said she loved it. She gave me an expensively wrapped boxed toiletry set. I had never said I liked the brand so was slightly surprised at her choice. She said she had pushed the boat out a bit but she thought it had me written all over it. A few days later another friend and I went to a designer shopping center and I spotted the brand in a shop window. So I popped in to see if I could get a spare nozzles as the shower gel top was wonky-the salesperson had worked there years and told me that the box set in question was discontinued at least 2 years ago!
Didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Felt so used.

thank you for all of your super useful responses.

in answer to the most asked question which is why not split the bill? It’s just the done thing here I suppose , or the wider circle I’m a part of, it’s the norm for one to cover and the next to cover. My partner does this and has never had an issue… ever with all of his individual friends and outings. And the other people I’ve gone out with individually (not referring to my high school mates because we rarely see one another) we’ve covered the bills in the same way but no one takes the piss and every one remembers. It’s just this one person that seems to be a little bit cheeky.

I would consider telling them exactly how you feel. If she takes umbridge, it's no loss. But if you find that difficult to do, just be less available. Eventually she may get the message. Good luck x

If it’s her turn next time and you want to se her again then when she says I’m not hungry , I’m only having main meal then you reply , oh really- I’m starving , haven’t eaten all day so you’re re setting the tone , or if your turn next time then when you sit down you immediately say you’re not hungry and you’re only having a dessert. Just mirror her behaviour, then phase her out. Get your long three course meal and drinks first as she owes you many.

This, find other hobbies

I don't care if it looks cheap, and yeah she can eat or drink whatever she wants, and she knows that I don't really enjoy those places, in the same way that I know she doesn't really enjoy "eating like cattle" at harvester.
Luckily we have a friendship where we can be frank with each other, and agree to disagree, and come to a sort of compromise, and yet not fall out. I'm primarily there for the chat and company not the food.
I can tolerate the unnecessary faff and fancy nonsense that come at posh restaurants, she likes it and I'm happy to sit there watching her enjoy it. So long as we can keep laughing about it together.
We've never done bill splitting, we've always taken it in turns and after 30 years it's probably how it will always be.

I don't care if it looks cheap, and yeah she can eat or drink whatever she wants, and she knows that I don't really enjoy those places, in the same way that I know she doesn't really enjoy "eating like cattle" at harvester.

Surely there is a compromise between high end and a Harvester?
Do neither of you enjoy Indian, Thai, Italian, Chinese etc food?

Harsh as it sounds, it is probably time to say 'au revoir'. You are worth more than this kind of treatment. The leopard does not change his spots and think of all the other new people out there you are missing out on. I would make up a new hobby like painting and say you spend most of your spare time doing your new hobby. Remember, live your best life.

Lol. I'd be happy chatting while we're sat on a park bench with a packed lunch....so pizza express or harvester IS a compromise haha

@PeggyMitchellsCameo

"Then invent a major financial project (an extension, for example) and tell her all your spare funds are going to be put aside for that so you will happy to just do coffee from now on."

I see this sort of "advice" often on here. Please can you explain why you think anyone should go to the trouble of making something up? It's so unnecessary.

@Aadamsfamily Anyone who pointedly told me they liked "nice presents" in the way you describe might very quickly rather they hadn't. I would immediately deploy weapons grade sarcasm and mockery, leaving them in no doubt that I thought they were being a dick.

I recently drove my friend 30 miles to do her a favour. She suggested getting a coffee before I drove her home and I agreed. She was a bit baffled when I ordered my drink and went to sit down and said
"err, are we paying together? Or what?"
I said "well I figured it was your treat since I drove you here".
She realised that was perfectly fair, apologised to me and paid. No drama.

I could have said nothing, bought my own coffee and resented her afterwards. She does have a bit of previous in this area, so I don't let her get away with it.

It takes a while to realise when friends behave like this. I had an old school friend and when we went out I realised after a few nights out that she would get herself a soft drink when it was her round and then order spirits when I was paying.
There were other things that bugged me, but
the last straw was when I took a present to her house. We were both students at the time but she had more money than me. The present was a Christmas present and her comment was "is this my birthday AND Christmas present?"
I ditched her after that.

I'm surprised you have to ask really. I work with a similar tedious person and I now just decline every suggestion to meet up with an excuse and just say I can't afford to go out for lunch anymore. Eventually she got the message.
She must have had a skin like a rhino. I couldn't be rude as I work with her but normally I would have no problem brushing someone off.

I am a bit bloody minded, and also tend to go over things in my head, over thinking, round and round...

So I'd give her one more go... but with my newfound awareness of what she's doing - challenge things.

If she starts on the gossipy mean shit, obstruct, 'why do you think that, thats not really very nice is it, shall we talk about something else'...

If its her turn to pay, when she starts with the 'oh I'm not hungry, I will just have a main' I would respond:

'Well I am bloody starving so I'll have a starter and a main/main and a pudding as usual...'

If it IS your turn to pay... then turn the tables on her, say 'oh dear not very hungry/not got long this time so lets just have a main shall we?'... and if she tries to settle in tell her you need to be on your way so if she wants extra drinks/dessert she'll have to have those by herself, on her own dime.

The response to that should set your mind at rest, and stop you questioning whether you've made the right decision to not bother with her in future.

I’m a bit older than you @Aadamsfamily, and have had a blah childhood. I am in my 50’s now and I think from my 30’s I gradually naturally weeded out “friendships” that didn’t have an equal meeting of energy. We all value quality rather than quantity of friendships and probably see each other less than ever due to distance and time constraints, but when we do catch up it’s just as easy as if we caught up yesterday. There is zero anxiety or resentment, just mutual, genuine care. Nobody is using anyone, or guilt-tripping. I would be putting her firmly in the acquaintance basket.

Choose a restaurant where you order your own food at the bar 🙂

Friends are not meant to be this hard, just stop doing it with them

From your 2nd post, it sounds like you think you're better than her. That's not a recipe for a good friendship and would lead to the resentment you're now feeling.
Ghosting her would be very rude, so just gradually reduce the amount of time you spend with her till the friendship fizzles out.

First, id suggest bill splitting, so its fair each time. Or pay for what you order ( My friends and I do this).

Maybe do something different together.

Cinema, an activity etc that will bring about different conversation.

It sounds like hard work. Maybe it’s hard work for her too, if she isn’t keen on self-improvement and deep and meaningful conversations over lunch/dinner.

New friendships are based on a lot of good will at first and you weren’t to know that you are actually quite incompatible, but now you realise that she is using you to fund her lifestyle it’s your job to be honest with yourself and put a stop to it if you aren’t enjoying it or can’t afford it.

I think it would be hurtful to her to be upfront or blunt about how you have now come to think of her company.
A slow fade would be better. But certainly stop buying expensive gifts for a person whose company makes you feel bad, as that would be a betrayal to yourself. You can always buy a small token gift which reflects something of yourself. For example instead of the super expensive handbag that she wants, give her a paperback version of a book that you really enjoyed with a note inside the front cover to explain why you enjoyed it and hoping she will too. Actually, is there any need to buy gifts at all ? A bunch of flowers with a genuine smile and hand written card on her birthday is more normal.

Maybe it’s a good idea to keep future new friendships a bit lighter at first, until you get the measure of each other and know how you want to go forward.

You don’t enjoy the conversation.

So whoever pays and whatever you eat, what’s the point?

Let it cool off. Go for a coffee instead. Leave with increasing lengths of time between meet ups.