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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be worried about boyfriend’s work ethic?

183 replies

Duplofez · 12/08/2024 14:47

We don’t live together yet but I’m considering moving in soon, and then marrying who it having a family with him in the future.

I’m starting to worry about the future though, because it’s becoming clear that we have very different views when it comes to work. I think it’s really important to turn up every day, and I will very rarely take the day off ill. If I’m feeling under the weather, I’ll just work from home.

Boyfriend however will take any opportunity he can to be off work. He really doesn’t like his job, and every time he has even a minor cold he’ll take multiple days off work ill. He’s currently had an illness where the doctor recommended he work from home for a week, but instead he’s asked the doctor to write a letter saying he needs to be off work completely for 2 weeks. We’re then on holiday for 2 weeks so he’ll have been away from work for a month in a row.

I’d get it if this one a one off thing, but he also hated his last job and told me he hated the job before that too.

I worry that if we had kids and a mortgage etc in the future, him taking off so much time could get him fired and leave us financially vulnerable.

AIBU to be worried about this?

OP posts:
meganorks · 12/08/2024 18:23

Can he honestly not see a correlation between him skiving off at every opportunity and his bosses thinking he's not doing well at his job? I think you are right to be concerned to be honest. It's up to you what you do about it though.

blueshoes · 12/08/2024 18:41

If a man is good for you, he is good from the start. You should not have to work this hard.

Throw this one back.

Blackberriesandcobwebs · 12/08/2024 19:09

He's a manchild who will never step up and adult - you'll need to "mother" him rather than be his equal partner.
Is everything that goes wrong someone else's fault?
Does he gets let go or on PiP because he's always on sick leave or late? Does he change his job frequently?
He hates his job but won't apply himself or look for something with better prospects?

We have one of these in our family. He's a charmer for sure but flaky, undomesticated, never fully fledged, and mummy wipes his nose. I pity the poor girl who falls for him as she'll have a harder passage through life because of him.

Despair1 · 12/08/2024 20:01

pomers · 12/08/2024 17:52

Sounds like my ex-husband. End this relationship now. You will be on egg shells wondering if he will work/be fired/have to resign. You will feel constantly humiliated by his inability/unwillingness to hold down a job. You will end up stressed about money. You will end up doing all the work and cutting maternity leave short in desperation to pay the bills. Do not even think about moving in or having children with this man. Take it from one who has been there

Brilliant wise words

SheddingCat · 12/08/2024 20:07

Just to add, there is seriously something amiss in his character if he can’t take criticism at work. He’s 20-something so quite new in his albeit highly skilled role, probably has done well at school/uni and thinks that is all he needs to succeed. He is wrong. Bit part of it is taking feedback on board with a bit of humility and being able to get along with people.
Running a bath and making dinner for you is easy as it’s not every day. And i assume you don’t criticise him. Try doing that and playing devils advocate, saying that perhaps feedback is worth taking onboard and see how he reacts to that. I guess he will get into a strop.
He might have been unlucky with one job. But that’s not the case, he is the common denominator here.

My exH was like that too, every place he went into i knew exactly how it would go after a while, it was like a cookie cutter everywhere he went. He also started his own business and it was the same, same situations and issues. He lacks self reflection though and thinks he knows the best and everyone else is there to hinder and slight him. After years of supporting him i got divorced. It got so bad that i couldn’t sleep at night due to out finances, his answer to all was that i need to believe in him eventhough numbers didn’t add up and we were heading up the shit creek.

In short, you are young, focus on your own financial independence and right person will come along. Don’t choose the path which will ruin you. Go on dating sites, find someone suitable with the same attitudes and motivation. Don’t sleepwalk into disaster, be smart and take care of your future. Love and nice baths will mean nothing when you are exhausted from worry and carrying him along.

HotandBigandSwollen · 12/08/2024 20:12

Duplofez · 12/08/2024 15:46

Maybe I do need to work on my self esteem, but I really worry that he’s the best I’ll ever find.

I can only date within my religion, so there’s already a very small pool of available men. On top of that, I’m getting to the age where I want to be married and have kids in the next 3 years.

But maybe I would regret staying with him longer term.

@Duplofez you should never stay with a man because you think you can't do better. I'm heavily pregnant now and let me tell you, life would be incredibly hard without a good, supportive man by my side. Don't fuck yourself over because of low self esteem and some arbitrary baby making schedule you set for yourself.

He may thrive with his own business or he may fail miserably because he is ultimately too smug to do the grunt work and can't take criticism. Until his business is flying, I wouldn't move in with him.

bevm72yellow · 12/08/2024 21:58

He is not taking responsibility for any of his actions or lack of actions at work. It is always somebody else's problem or issue. He doesnt know how to resolve those issues so it easier to leave and not look at himself. The hook that has brought you into this relationship is he has had a tough childhood. You are being empathetic to him and trying to understand where he is coming from. Work situations are not empathetic to his childhood problems/ issues as it is a business there to get a job done. You are the ear to his problems. You are without realizing enabling him by giving him so much audience. You will be the worker in the relationship to bring in money. The nice things like running the bath or cooking a meal are done on his terms but if you needed help or support with everyday things and you asked him to do it he may notwant to do things on your terms. give things a while before moving in together and test the waters at a much slower pace to really get to know him. If this issue is itching at you then it is doing so for a reason

Greally · 12/08/2024 22:03

It’s tough that he ‘hates his job’. What’s he doing to improve that situation? Retraining, looking for somewhere else - or just complaining and being lazy?

HotandBigandSwollen · 13/08/2024 14:19

This has just reminded me of my exH. We were together throughout uni and the first 4-5 years of our working lives. He hated every job he was in, his bosses were all unreasonable etc. He was very intelligent and had an impressive CV so he got jobs easily then. I think he couldn't adapt from uni where his professors loved him to just working and failing at basic tasks.

I was very sympathetic for years, helped him out, supported him, until the anger started being directed at me. Suddenly he felt it was my fault he was in these horrible jobs because I wanted a mortgage and kids and I was a "workaholic" so he felt pressure from me apparently. Lol. It was confusing and very damaging to my self esteem, bending over backwards to be extra nice to a man who was always miserable when the topic of work came up. I could never say anything good about my job or my successes because it made him start talking about how shit his job was! He could never be happy for my success. He also really wanted to start his own business, he thought that was the way out. Luckily I got out of there before he used up all my money.

Supersares · 13/08/2024 17:38

Sorry OP but this likely not to change and I’d think seriously about moving in with him. It could be extremely draining living with someone like that and I for one would not do it!

Oldster1933 · 13/08/2024 18:02

Not a good start. Do not rush in.

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 13/08/2024 18:04

This is one of those core values things. I genuinely think relationship success comes from sharing the same core values. I would proceed with caution, or just not proceed.

Getonwitit · 13/08/2024 18:30

You will rue the day you ever met him.

ilovegranny · 13/08/2024 19:14

How I loathe people who think life without work is an option. Any work - earn your keep. Get rid of him.

BobbyBiscuits · 13/08/2024 19:19

Doing the bare minimum in a job you hate and pulling sickies is not the biggest crime on earth.
But if he doesn't want to work hard then he probably won't be very ambitious or driven and therefore will probably not increase his earning power very quickly.
Or, he could change jobs to one he loves and actually wants to put the effort in.
I'd say right now it doesn't look like he's ready for the responsibility of kids. That could change, but life is short.
If you are then maybe it's time to say sayonara.

tommyhoundmum · 13/08/2024 19:43

I'd let this one go.

Marine30 · 13/08/2024 19:46

If his attitude with work is like this I’m not sure he’ll cut it as a parent. You could imagine him thinking; well, the kids are really annoying me today so I’m not looking after them at all and I’ll just do my own thing. In fact I might just quit being a dad and leave…
I think you could be anxious and frustrated long-term if you stay with someone whose work life seems to be built on shifting sand.

Bugbabe1970 · 13/08/2024 20:10

Maybe he just hasn’t found the right job yet?

Rhaenys · 13/08/2024 20:35

It sounds like you’re not suited to each other, sorry. 😔

I don’t think either of you are unreasonable though, just different, and it’s a difference that can’t really be overcome in a relationship.

LonelyInDville · 13/08/2024 21:26

My ex was like this. Constantly late, doing less than the bare minimum. Turns me right off.

Olympia777 · 13/08/2024 21:27

Would give me the ick

blueshoes · 13/08/2024 22:06

Doing the bare minimum in a job you hate and pulling sickies is not the biggest crime on earth.

There are worse crimes I give you that but a person who does this is not worthy of respect and has different values from the OP.

Babbahabba · 13/08/2024 23:11

Don't marry him, move in with him, have kids with him or entangle yourself financially with him in anyway. He is definitely not a potential partner/husband/father. He is lazy, unreliable and work-shy and you'd have a miserable life.

SunshinyDay1 · 13/08/2024 23:25

Out of interest per year what are the acceptable amount of days off

Queserasera1 · 13/08/2024 23:50

Please don’t commit to him. If he is lazy at work, he will be lazy in other areas (mental load/physical load etc.). Only found this out after many years together and countless redundancies/not passing probations/job changes and it is always someone else’s fault. But only one common denominator. Never out of a job as highly qualified in a wanted profession but it is very disheartening. There are other issues at play, but it is the unwillingness to accept that the problem lies with him.