To be worried about boyfriend’s work ethic?

[Duplofez]

We don’t live together yet but I’m considering moving in soon, and then marrying who it having a family with him in the future.

I’m starting to worry about the future though, because it’s becoming clear that we have very different views when it comes to work. I think it’s really important to turn up every day, and I will very rarely take the day off ill. If I’m feeling under the weather, I’ll just work from home.

Boyfriend however will take any opportunity he can to be off work. He really doesn’t like his job, and every time he has even a minor cold he’ll take multiple days off work ill. He’s currently had an illness where the doctor recommended he work from home for a week, but instead he’s asked the doctor to write a letter saying he needs to be off work completely for 2 weeks. We’re then on holiday for 2 weeks so he’ll have been away from work for a month in a row.

I’d get it if this one a one off thing, but he also hated his last job and told me he hated the job before that too.

I worry that if we had kids and a mortgage etc in the future, him taking off so much time could get him fired and leave us financially vulnerable.

AIBU to be worried about this?

He’s late twenties

He just reacts badly when he doesn’t get good feedback and it makes him want to quit.

So if he works for himself and a client gives him a hard time, is he going to get rid of them?

He does have other good qualities. He’s very kind and funny and sweet.

if I’ve had a long day for example and go round to his after work, he’ll have run me a bath and cooked me my favourite food without asking etc.

My friends and family love him. It’s just his work ethic (or maybe it’s more a resilience issue?) that bothers me

Run don’t walk!

Imagine living with someone who reacts badly when they hear something they don’t want to. Don’t do it, he’ll make your life miserable and you’ll end up walking on eggshells!

Once you have a house with him he will have even more reason to avoid work as you’ll be there to pay the bills. The ‘own business’ thing is also an excuse to do nothing, he’ll pretend he’s working on it but in reality will do nothing but won’t help you around the house as he’ll be too busy with work. Also if you have kids and end up divorced he’ll be able to pretend he doesn’t earn a lot so won’t pay you maintenance.
This would give me the ick. He sounds irresponsible and I wouldn’t risk tying your finances to his.

He does have other good qualities. He’s very kind and funny and sweet.

That doesn't pay the bills, unless he's a comedian.

He doesn't like working, that's clear, so make very careful decisions based on that. Trying to get the Dr to change advice is taking it quite far.

Otherwise, can we all please stop saying that if you are ill you can still work at home. Working at home is still working, those of us who work at home are not taking it easy or putting less work in. I also would not want to be on several zoom calls with D and V or coughing my guts up.

What about when you need to criticise him for not stepping up at home eg while juggling a toddler and a newborn. Will he decide you hate him and bail out of your relationship too?
never marry someone who sulks or kicks out when legitimately criticised.

Well if you want to stay with him do so BUT do it full in the knowledge that this is him at his best.
You won't be able to change him to have a better work ethic in future, this is it.

I think you are right. And the “I need to be my own boss” says it all.

Throw this one back OP.

He does have other good qualities. He’s very kind and funny and sweet.

So are most strangers you meet. That doesn't mean you should try to build a future with them.

🚩 you are not compatible. How unattractive. I could not be with someone like that.

Have you had a major disagreement with him yet? I’d be interested to know whether he treats personal disagreements the same way.

Its a huge red flag and one I wish I hadn't ignored when I married exH....

Your future is giving him endless money for his business.

If he doesn't like criticism he won't last five minutes in business, customers and clients are unreasonable af and he sounds far too lazy to work a hundred hours a week in the beginning to make it work.

He’s been in a lot of therapy because he had a really awful childhood and other horrible things happening. He sees his therapist every week. Because of this, he is good at dealing with any arguments or conflict with me. He’s very calm and measured and responsive.

with work though, any criticism he sees as a massive attack on his intelligence and he feels like he’s not being valued, which leads him to want to quit. I’ve told him that he needs to have more resilience, but he really seems to lack this when it comes to dealing with trouble at work.

This would be a deal breaker for me. I can't stand any sort of malingering, and the fact he will exaggerate symptoms to get time off indicates he is dishonest as well as idle. Unless he has some form of undiagnosed medical condition that means he genuinely feels more ill than the average person would, I'd not make him my life partner. He won't change, in fact when you're financially tied he'll take more advantage and you'll carry the burden.

What a waster.

I’d find his whole attitude deeply unattractive, even without the worries about your financial future.

I’ll bet his previous bosses all couldn’t wait to get rid of him and were gleefully waving him out the door on his last day at each place.

Literally everything you add about him makes things even worse. Don't be your own worst enemy. End it.

I agree, this would bother me. There's a fine line between acceptable days off (those that are factored in, and using them to their full potential), and taking the piss. He is likely to get managed out if he continues this.