To be worried about boyfriend’s work ethic?

[Duplofez]

We don’t live together yet but I’m considering moving in soon, and then marrying who it having a family with him in the future.

I’m starting to worry about the future though, because it’s becoming clear that we have very different views when it comes to work. I think it’s really important to turn up every day, and I will very rarely take the day off ill. If I’m feeling under the weather, I’ll just work from home.

Boyfriend however will take any opportunity he can to be off work. He really doesn’t like his job, and every time he has even a minor cold he’ll take multiple days off work ill. He’s currently had an illness where the doctor recommended he work from home for a week, but instead he’s asked the doctor to write a letter saying he needs to be off work completely for 2 weeks. We’re then on holiday for 2 weeks so he’ll have been away from work for a month in a row.

I’d get it if this one a one off thing, but he also hated his last job and told me he hated the job before that too.

I worry that if we had kids and a mortgage etc in the future, him taking off so much time could get him fired and leave us financially vulnerable.

AIBU to be worried about this?

The ‘starting own business/working for myself’ is a huge red flag. Every person (all blokes!) I’ve known who comes out with this it’s because they can’t bear having a boss/taking orders. If they were a Richard Branson - they’d already be doing it! Run OP.

Yanbu

I’d also be worried about his job seeking energy if he lost his job. I would predict that a guy like this will be very resentful of you being on maternity leave and likely to slack even more because he has the broken sleep excuse.

Large red flag. Walk away now.

Even if it is just bad luck with useless or bad bosses, you will never know.

You'd have to be mad to commit yourself to a man like this, especially if you're from a background where divorce is disapproved of.

He will go freelance and will fall out with everyone. You'll have joint accounts and a mortgage that you have to keep going. His lack of resilience is the very last thing you need in a partner.

This is your chance. You know you'll regret it otherwise.

If he can't take constructive criticism, which is essential for development in any role, AND three bosses in a row have disliked him, he is the problem.

He doesn't want to do things the correct way, probably because he thinks he knows better, and doesn't react well to anything other than good feedback. He's not going to be able to stay stable in a role, and if he sets up on his own and does something wrong for clients, he's going to be done.

Aside from that, how do you think he's going to react if you give him "bad feedback" because he's not pulling his weight round the house? Or with the future kids? Or, god forbid, is doing something dangerous with the kids and you have to call it out? Is the resulting reaction to those things something you think you want to live with?

What does he do when he's off work?

-Does he sit around feeling sorry for himself/gaming/being useless (red flag)

-Does he use the time to figure out and plan his amazing next steps/new business (smart guy, possibly green flag!)

My ex was like this.

He found a mug breadwinner to marry and is essentially a house husband.

Who has no kids & does no domestic work.

Run.

Don’t move in with this guy. He sounds plain lazy, has no drive and poor work ethics

I can 100% guarrantee, these traits will extend to your home life too. Who does his cleaning/cooking/diy for him now? Is he still living with his parents?

There will be no miracle and this lazy work shy manchild will become yours to support and cook/clean after once he moves in. Fuck that shit, seriously.

He already sounds like a dead weight to you. Do better.

I’ve read all your responses and he seems like a good, intelligent person who struggles with criticism at work. That’s a skill and mindset that can be worked on.. We all have our strengths and weaknesses.

As he’s in currently in therapy it’s likely he’ll have it in him to address it if you tell him your concerns for the future.

I also agree on the self employment thing. People like this lack the drive and discipline to work for themselves. Workshy exh refused to work more than a four day week , then he ended up owing the inland revenue money because of a tax return that he filled in wrong after I told him to consult an accountant if he was unsure. It was an absolute disaster.

I had a workshy husband whilst I worked full time and did all household tasks even when he was "in between jobs". He always either lost his job or left because of someone else. He was the common denominator so it obviously wasn't "everyone" else. We didn't have children because we both didn't want any so that was lucky. If we had and got divorced then he wouldn't have them on the weekend because it would affect his expensive hobbies - cycling and motorbiking and it would have also been full time child rearing for me along with everything else.

I got wise and tougher in the 13 years we were together and divorced him. He even had the cheek to say when sent a copy of the divorce petition "have you seen what someone has written about me?". I said " yes it was me who wrote it and if you dispute any of it then advise the Court". He couldn't.

He was a grade one cocklodger and a lazy bastard to boot. He's now living with a woman who is wheelchair bound. I've got nothing against her but he is her carer and can't work so claims benefits so he doesn't have to work and can enjoy his hobby - cycling whenever he wants. Hopefully he now helps around the house.

Op, if you stay with this man you will not get the opportunity to meet someone nice
You say that you want to be married and have kids. You may not have realised this, but you already have a grown up kid
Be rest assured that you would be making the biggest mistake of your life marrying this man

My cousin married a man who lacked ambition and had a terrible work ethic
When they were dating her mother ( my aunt) warned her about marrying this man.
My cousin was in love and ignored all the red flags.
Fast forward sixteen years later. My cousin has three kids for this man. He is constantly changing jobs and has had many issues with management. He recently got suspended from his current job because he wrote a rude email to his direct line manager.
Btw, my cousin filled in the application forms for ALL his jobs because he couldn’t be bothered.
My cousin works full time yet her dh refuses to get involved with childcare. He doesn’t cook, clean etc
Cousin is so depressed she has been on antidepressants.
She is now on the verge of leaving him but is worried about how she will pay the mortgage .
Any love she had for him has long gone
Op, don’t make the mistakes my cousin made

He seems to have a general lack of will and resilience, so unless your desire is carrying the burdens of life alone, you're right to be very concerned.

Have you considered being quite direct and honest with him.

This really concerns me because there's a pattern. They can't all hate you and cycling through lots of jobs will look terrible on your CV. Have you discussed this with your therapist.

By all means start your own business but I am looking for a relationship with stability, not drama and money worries. What will you do when your clients disagree with you?

We are two years into this relationship and while I love you I am struggling to see how we will make a success of this long term when you take massive offence to any criticism, real or implied [in your head]. How would that work with children in the mix?

Or you gently could take the piss.

If you can't do either then I would question why you would want to marry this man.

If he is not good at dealing with criticism, what would be his reaction if you spelt out your worries and had a frank, adult conversation?

If he is otherwise a keeper, I wouldn’t move to ditching him before doing this and giving it a timeframe (without moving in together obvs) for improvement
If the mere thought of discussing it with him makes you uncomfortable though, it’s time to dump him

You mentioned his childhood trauma.

Whilst he may have reasons for his behaviour, I am not sure you should be staying with him with a view to him changing.

So marry him and have children with him only if you are prepared to be the sole breadwinner to a cocklodger husband who may or may not be good with the kids or help out domestically.

Personally, it would do my head in.

^I had one of these, OP.

Throw him back.^

Me too. And I did. took too long though, idiot that I am

Throw this one back
Find your self esteem - you CAN do much better
do you really want this child to care for financially for the rest of your life.

Life is too short.

Personally I think women need to be more unromantic and practical when selecting their life partner and the father of their children.

he has multiple major red flags for me, I would really think long and hard.

Beyond the unprocessed childhood trauma…

he wants to be self employed with a work drive that low?

someone that willing to shirk and dump other people in it is going to be very happy to let you pick up the slack on cooking cleaning laundry etc etc etc

Add in a child or two and you will have a life of utter drudgery and misery… carrying all the weight and never-ending responsibility while he farts around for years playing candy crush while pretending to be busy with very important business things with his business that is “about to take off”

think REALLY hard about what your life will look like in a decade…

This says it all about a complete lack of commitment and working through the less 'fun' times.

Ditch him - find yourself a responsible adult.

This is really good advice.

OP you sound like a really hard working and focused person.
Please don’t think this man is the ‘best’ you can get.
He is not stuck in a dead end job. He is in a highly paid profession but doesn’t go to work.
His bosses will have issues with him over his absenteeism. If you are earning big money then bosses expect you to deliver. It’s not criticism to be pulled up
about.
If you want to settle down and have a family don’t sell yourself short because sooner or later you will be stuck in the house with a man who doesn’t want to work, support his family and you will feel trapped.
You are meant for so much more than this.

OP, is that you saying you can only date within your religion or is it someone else? Parents?
Even if there is a small pool of people, you don't want to be saddled with an unreliable man like this, do you?

You’ll end up having to be responsible for the two of you.
When you’re living together, you’ll be his safety net. He’ll quit jobs or get sacked and know someone else will cover the rent so he can take his time choosing what to do next.
I had a year of it in my early 20s.
Don’t fall into the trap of being his mum.
His laziness will spread to other areas of his life. The house work, the bedroom.

After I split up with him, I started seeing a guy who got up to go to work two hours after we got in from a night out because his boss was relying on him to open up. I married him. I can rely on him completely. He’s never let me down.

Ohhhhhhhh @Duplofez I am getting red flags all over the place here.

You say he is good at conflict, at being calm etc in an argument...

Do those debates end up with him admitting he is wrong ever, or with you agreeing that he is right and you're wrong?

Is he actually good at dealing with conflict and disagreement, or is he in fact good at making you submit?

Because it seems odd he can't take constructive criticism and feedback that is less than glowingly positive at work... and yet can handle disagreement over opinions and can back down and admit he's wrong at home.

Those two things don't really go together.

I fear that his attempts to go self employed are going to mean YOU financially supporting HIM...over and over if it fails (And if he is no good at receiving and utilising constructive criticism, then it will fail...)

OR if it does take off (and I would generally expect a business to take two to three years to be properly profitable, depeneding on what it is of course)... Then he will be far too busy for you, he will prioritise work over everything else and blame you and any children you have together for that because 'I need to work this hard to pay for you and the children'...

And he will then be able to opt out of any of the boring, sticky, awkward, unpleasant bits of marriage and parenthood because 'sorry I have to work'...

I'd ask him about the business.

Ask to see his business plan.

Ask specifically 'at what point will this business stand on its own two feet, so that you can take a step back and let employees do the bulk of the work'..

Because that is generally the goal of being self employed vs employed by someone else (rather than just being self employed to earn money because its the only option you have).

If he tells you that there will NEVER be a time when the business can be left to trundle along with 9 to 5 input from him on weekdays, and he can take two, three week holidays from time to time... then get out, run!

It won't work and he will be a workaholic you never see and when you do, he'll be a grumpy arsehole.