To be worried about boyfriend’s work ethic?

[Duplofez]

We don’t live together yet but I’m considering moving in soon, and then marrying who it having a family with him in the future.

I’m starting to worry about the future though, because it’s becoming clear that we have very different views when it comes to work. I think it’s really important to turn up every day, and I will very rarely take the day off ill. If I’m feeling under the weather, I’ll just work from home.

Boyfriend however will take any opportunity he can to be off work. He really doesn’t like his job, and every time he has even a minor cold he’ll take multiple days off work ill. He’s currently had an illness where the doctor recommended he work from home for a week, but instead he’s asked the doctor to write a letter saying he needs to be off work completely for 2 weeks. We’re then on holiday for 2 weeks so he’ll have been away from work for a month in a row.

I’d get it if this one a one off thing, but he also hated his last job and told me he hated the job before that too.

I worry that if we had kids and a mortgage etc in the future, him taking off so much time could get him fired and leave us financially vulnerable.

AIBU to be worried about this?

There's a chance you're the same religion my mum's family are. My mum was excommunicated (she's been allowed back now but it was 30+ years) because of strict rules like this.

My aunt married within the religion. To a man who sounds very similar to your boyfriend in terms of work shyness.

She never got a holiday. They never bought a house, always in housing association. Never even got new carpets for any of the rooms. Because they couldn't afford it. He always managed to have the newest tech. Turned out he was putting them into ridiculous debt.

She left him after 20 years and is finally getting these things. But it was 20 years of misery.

No you are not being unreasonable. Think twice or thrice re keeping this relationship.

Maybe I do need to work on my self esteem, but I really worry that he’s the best I’ll ever find.

This attitude will absolutely lead to misery and ruin.

I can only date within my religion

Says who? You can make your own decisions, op.

I wonder how these men even have guts to approach women and present themselves as serious boyfriend material. When I dated when dated, for me the conditions was always to look how and where he lives, is he working and paying his own bills

if I’ve had a long day for example and go round to his after work, he’ll have run me a bath

Well it's not exactly hard to turn a tap on is it

After I split up with him, I started seeing a guy who got up to go to work two hours after we got in from a night out because his boss was relying on him to open up. I married him. I can rely on him completely. He’s never let me down.

This is beautiful. Feels like coming home. He is a true partner.

until the bar is low and there is a woman to just take a man just because he is born one, then there won't be need for them to change, because the sea of ladies will always give another softie , generous and non demanding

Absolutely, totally, this. Ignore the above at your peril, @Duplofez .

And I'd also be worried that, quite apart from ending up as the breadwinner, you'd also be shouldering the vast majority of household and childcare responsibilities. At best he'll be doing the schoolrun...... in between 'running his business '...

You have every right to be worried OP. People's attitude/ commitment/work ethic rarely changes. I have had jobs that I didn't like but went to work; that's how it is.
And we all know/have known people who will avail of any opportunity to be off work, irrespective of the ailment and it's perceived seriousness.
Wishing you the strength to say goodbye

But he runs her a bath so it's all okay 🙄

Given that she will be paying the water and electric bills, it's the very least he can do.

I dumped my ex for this reason. Run.

Poor work ethic and laziness is a massive turn off for me even if he’s does run a bath and cook. Get rid, you will be carrying him if you stay with him. He will be out of a job soon anyway so that will give in an insight of a future with him.

Well obviously I was being sarcastic hence the eye roll.

Too many women have been conditioned to place 'romantic gestures' like buying flowers or running a bath as higher than the stuff that actually matters. When it's very easy to turn a tap on or nip to the shop. But women forgive all manner of terrible behaviour for easy gestures that in actual fact mean absolutely nothing..

Sorry I agree with everyone else. He won't change and I would be seriously thinking about whether I should end it. Please don't move in with him or have children with him. You will live to regret it

I had a friend like this, always leaving jobs saying she was bullied or she was taking masses of time off for an assortment of ailments. The bottom line was that she hated working and really didn't see wny she should have to bother. She was always on the cadge due to not having a regular income, I got sick of it and ended the friendship. Guess what i am saying is that you are seeing a pattern here and it does not bode well for your future. I would cut and run now

My best friend was with someone like this. Thankfully they never married, though they did have two kids. In the 14 years they were together I think he had about 10 or 11 jobs, all of which he hated, then he started his own business as a personal trainer borrowing a lot of money from my friend's parents in order to re-train (which he never paid back). Once he'd qualified the whole thing lasted about 8 months, with him moaning about not being able to get enough clients, even though he only made himself available for hours that suited him (eg hardly any evenings). So he gave that up as well and then set up a floor-sanding business that he also gave up after a few months after getting complaints from people about not turning up when he said he would. My friend eventually left him due to the stress of it all, and the debts that he racked up, as he wanted the nice lifestyle but was never prepared to work for it. He still only works part-time (he is now a carer and says he can't get enough hours - really?!?) and relies on UC/housing benefit to top up his income.

I think it's important to try and match your goals, motivations & work ethics carefully. It does become a problem down the road if you don't (ask me how I know haha). If your career is important to you and this is already a concern, YANBU to be worried about it.

I married this guy. Thankfully we had no children together. A complete lack of resilience does not make a good partner. You’ll be expected to handle every unpleasant or difficult decision or situation.

My exH couldn’t cope with any kind of negative or even neutral feedback. He had multiple jobs too, even though he was well qualified. He just had no ability to take responsibility for himself.

Personally, I find laziness and a lack of ambition very unattractive but he had the gift of the gab and I married him too soon. Don’t be like me.

Yep, married one of those, had kids - "you never make real money working for someone else," he said - ok, he did used to work, but the thing was he had absolutely no idea of how to make money out of it. I had to tell him after a while that the household was no longer going to subsidise the business, because we had bills to pay and my salary wasn't amazing enough to cover them along with his losses. 20 years later (when we were in the process of divorcing) he actually got a low paid job, for about 5 minutes, but I had to pay for afterschool childcare for the youngest DC so was again worse off than if he hadn't worked at all. It took a quarter of a century for me to wise up. You have had the warning in advance. Don't take on a large hairy pet unless you can afford to feed it.

Sounds like you're on different pages really.

Apart from that though, that's the kind of behaviour that's likely to get him a warning or his P45 - not exactly someone you want to rely on if you have a child and/ or a mortgage.

Have a think before you commit yourself..

I was being sarcastic as well. Obviously.

You are right to be very concerned and thinking ahead. I can just see you bearing the entire financial and mental load if you have kids- don't do it op!
This is NOT the man who will make a good partner or father.

It's not difficult to go to work and make it through the day in some sort of responsible manner. If this is how he treats people who pay him than he LL walk all over anyone who doesn't.

but told me he hated the job prior to that aswell. For all of these jobs, he’s said he’s just had awful bosses who were unfairly critical of him

The common denominator here is your workshy boyfriend.

Everything you write about him raises another red flag.

Please don't just "settle". You will never be happy.