To be worried about boyfriend’s work ethic?

[Duplofez]

We don’t live together yet but I’m considering moving in soon, and then marrying who it having a family with him in the future.

I’m starting to worry about the future though, because it’s becoming clear that we have very different views when it comes to work. I think it’s really important to turn up every day, and I will very rarely take the day off ill. If I’m feeling under the weather, I’ll just work from home.

Boyfriend however will take any opportunity he can to be off work. He really doesn’t like his job, and every time he has even a minor cold he’ll take multiple days off work ill. He’s currently had an illness where the doctor recommended he work from home for a week, but instead he’s asked the doctor to write a letter saying he needs to be off work completely for 2 weeks. We’re then on holiday for 2 weeks so he’ll have been away from work for a month in a row.

I’d get it if this one a one off thing, but he also hated his last job and told me he hated the job before that too.

I worry that if we had kids and a mortgage etc in the future, him taking off so much time could get him fired and leave us financially vulnerable.

AIBU to be worried about this?

Been together nearly 2 years

Fucking hell, you've wasted two years on this? Come on now. The writing is on the wall, please read it.

OP,

To say you will BITTERLY REGRET not taking this very seriously is a huge understatement.

This is your future.
Constantly changing jobs brings huge stress and instability.
ALWAYS having a problem with colleagues, employer, not being appreciated for their brilliance.....it's all part of the same pot as is setting up their own business.

YOU will be the only adult in the relationship and if you are foolish enough to have children with him, boy will you pay dearly.

You will be paying and doing everything as he will never be dependable.

As for love?
That goes out the window with respect.

He has a huge personality issue.
Don't ignore your gut desperately trying to warn you.

Don't move in, don't marry him.

If you must stay with him, watch how the next two years play out....if you last that long.
Men often hide this part of themselves until they have hooked a mummy figure to be dependable to do the dirty business of being responsible for bills etc.

I bet if you moved in, he would have a crisis in work and resign as he figured his future out.🙄

Donkeys years ago my friend moved in with someone like this, 2 months in he had a blow up at work and resigned. Thank God she was no mug and when she realised he was thinking of taking extended time off and thinking about working for himself, she moved straight back out again. She told him I never agreed to financially support you and have zero interest in being involved with someone so flakey.

Wake up OP, listen to your gut.

I have a friend who couldn't handle having a boss i.e. taking instructions or criticism from anyone. He got fired or walked out of so many jobs as a result. He is now working for himself as a taxi driver and has been for about 25/30 years.

OP, how many red flags.
Bad childhood which will ALWAYS be with you in this relationship too.

You need therapy.....your standards are low and you badly need a course of self preservation and self protection.

You can't say you weren't warned.

Well done for spotting the red flags now OP before your be invested too much into this.

Unfortunately he’s not a keeper. You are in different places. He also sounds like one of those that have been in a job 5 minutes and because they have some qualifications, feel he knows better than the bosses. Not a great attitude.

Running you baths will not pay the mortgage. It’s not going to work.

I wish I'd read the signs better at this stage because my partner is the same. He's eventually found a job he can tolerate but even that is very low paid. He absolutely refuses to do anything else and we have two small kids and a mortgage so there's not much I can do about it now! He's fine in most other ways but his work ethic really bothers me sometimes. You hit the nail on the head talking about his lack of resilience, mine is the same!
We rub along ok and he's genuinely a great father and he and the kids would be beyond gutted if we broke up. But if I had my time again I would've binned him off before I was 15 years in with a family 😆

A friend has just ended her two year relationship as her BF just lacked ambition and his lack of aspirations and work ethics became a turn off.

My cousin ended her 8 year marriage as her husband had a complete lack of ambition and decided after baby number 2 that he was going to be a stay at home dad and she could work. Except his idea of parenting was TV all day why he played on his XBox...

On the basis we spend potentially 50 years of our lives working then a partner lacking ambition or work ethics isn't much of an attractive prospect!

He appears to have a highly inflated sense of his value to an employer, and an inability to take constructive criticism or responsibility for his work.
I certainly wouldn’t waste any more of my time on this relationship.
I knew someone like this years ago, it was exhausting and it became boring hearing the same stuff over and over again.
Luckily he was a friend, not a potential partner.

Op end it now , it will only get worse
My twenty year old very ambitious dd has recently dumped her boyfriend because of his lack of ambition and work ethic.
He was a nice young man, but my dd said that she could foresee a life of conflict and wasn’t prepared to go down that route
Out of the mouth of babes..,,

Maybe I do need to work on my self esteem, but I really worry that he’s the best I’ll ever find.

I can only date within my religion, so there’s already a very small pool of available men. On top of that, I’m getting to the age where I want to be married and have kids in the next 3 years.

But maybe I would regret staying with him longer term.

Agree completely

Nope I would not be planning a future with anyone work shy particularly if a family is on the cards . What happens when you are on maternity leave and then baby arrives and he can't work because he's exhausted.

No cast your net elsewhere he's not a keeper . Not a good role model for any child

I had one of these, OP.

Throw him back.

You’re clearly completely incompatible OP, surely you know this.

@Elbone I agree. Unfortunately I ended up marrying mine and having two children. ALL of his bosses hated him , probably because he was a lazy sod , I was silly to believe his version of events.

I couldn't live with someone like this. I'd be concerned that I'd end up supporting them whilst they play at being a "poor me" and idle about. I don't want a workaholic but I want a man who'll pull his weight and has resilience and a sense of fair play and wanting to play his part in life not just rely on others.

I would absolutely run a mile.

A family member has no tolerance for work. If he doesn’t like it immediately, he leaves, if someone asks him to do something he doesn’t like, he leaves. He has had some really good jobs in the past. It’s a real worry for the family.

You will have a life of worry and no security with this man

my ex was like this. I thought he’d finally be happy and motivated when he left his job and set up on his own. He was more ‘unemployed’ than ‘self employed’ and it was very frustrating, especially because I was doing the financial heavy lifting and household management. It led to severe resentment. His whole family had a weird attitude towards work, complaining about their jobs all the time rather than taking action. It was insufferable

OP, I can tell you from experience that this sort of man often ends up in work less and less as they get older.

It's easier to get a job in your twenties, but when you have a ten or twenty year work history of leaving you job after job because you didn't like your boss and every absence you can take, it makes it harder to find an employer to take you on.

The men I've known like that (who are all intelligent and all say their brilliance isn't appreciated at work - it's never their fault) tend to seek out women with decent earning potential then want to start their own business while the woman supports them to basically piss around for years doing not much at all.

Please don't consider having children with this man.
I expect he'll develop a bad back in the future which means he'll only be able to do what he actually wants at any given time.

@Duplofez I’ve met a few men who sound a bit like your BF. They don’t take well to feedback, constantly have problems with their boss or the job, always think the next one will be better because that boss will ‘get them.’ Highly intelligent and probably always been told how good/clever they are as a teen/through uni so then get annoyed at being told what to do/not being the big fish. No resilience or understanding of how to work in a team. Expect a salary for gracing them with their presence.

If he starts his own business he’ll probably be just as lazy there, not like his clients and you’ll end up with the stress of sharing a mortgage with a guy who can’t stick to a job. Your family might really like him but they’ll like the next guy you bring home- because YOU like him. You sound very sensible. Don’t have kids with him or buy a house or share finances. This should be the easy bit of a relationship- fancy free and exciting, if you are already worrying I’d say it’s game over. You need to be able to depend on a partner when life gets tough, financially as well as other aspects.

@HumanRightsAreHumanRights we have met the same type I see!

Absolutely this!