Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

[flowermo]

Let me start by saying that I am not an expert at parenting styles.

I know bits and bobs from reading articles, books, talking to other mums/ grandmas and a lot of reading on Mumsnet.

I understand there are a lot of misconceptions about gentle parenting. However let me summarise my understanding- it's about firm boundaries, but doesn't promote shouting and hitting etc and generally using fear to get your kids to behave. It encourages understanding a child's development phases and what can and cannot be expected of them at any particular stage. Helping them understand and validate feelings, negative and positive ones etc.

Another style of parenting, perhaps the authoritarian style or ' traditional ' style that was used a lot in our parents generation, is a lot more shouty. Perhaps even hitting. Children are scolded for having tantrums and punished. Parents rule with fear of shouting / hitting / scolding. Kids are often scared of their parents. I remember growing up in this kind of household, as did all of my friends really.

I would say I use something in between the two styles with my children. But more on the gentler side. I don't hit but sometimes I do shout for example. I try to understand the stage of development they're at and what I can reasonably expect from their behaviour. I try to use consequences like taking toys away or denying them treats they wanted. I don't think my kids are afraid of me. I don't think I'm a particularly good parent. Or that I'm doing things right. They misbehave and I'm often stressed out. They're still small, 2 and 4 and I'm just trying to find my way.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is. I've been speaking to some other mums of slightly older kids who are also teachers. They really think that the gentle parenting approach is hurting kids and kids are out of control more than they were in the past. More authoritarian methods work better apparently and kids should be scared of their parents and should be worried about getting in trouble ( not violence ) at home, if they mess around at school. Teachers are leaving the profession because kids are so badly behaved and parents have no control over their kids.

What do you think about this? Is gentle parenting working ? Is it true that kids are so badly behaved now ? ( doesn't every generation say that about the new generation? ).

One thing I've noticed is that if I discipline my kids in public, by slightly raising my voice, people do stare. I never see any parents doing that nowadays. It was normal to get a telling off if you messed around in public when I was a child.

I'm not trying to be divisive or judge either side of the debate. I don't know what I'm doing or whether it's right. I guess I spend most of my time thinking I should be firmer, then feeling abusive when I do shout at them. I'm also lost. I really don't want to piss anyone off. So please be kind.

Yes, the time to do the talking is before setting off for the park. Tell them that you expect them to leave nicely when it's time. If it's a persistent problem ask them what would help them leave nicely - maybe a warning before hand or they can have a relatively unexciting snack or whatever.(This is not the same as bribery as they are choosing a way to help them behave). Then when it's time if they are being awkward ask them 3x then leave straight after the 3rd time with minimal fuss. More difficult if you have 2 running in opposite directions!

I wish you would tell her! But she read a book and she knows best. In the meantime I fear for the mental health, and teeth, of those beautiful little human beings.

"I know that you are really sad leaving the park, it's hard to stop something that you are enjoying. We need to leave to collect X from school. I look forward playing with you at the park tomorrow".

I say this to my kids when we leave the park. My two year old is usually absolutely hysterical when he has to stop having fun. I just ride it out with him.

My four year old used to be the same and sometimes she moans, if she's particularly tired. I'll say ( on top of the quote above ) ' it's extra hard today to leave the soft play honey because you're tired and hungry and you feel more upset'.

If she keeps going and gets louder or screams ( it doesn't happen anymore very often ). I'll be firmer - ' I understand you're upset about leaving, but screaming and stomping your feet is not the way to react '. And yes, sometimes I'll get angry and say ' stop, that's enough ! If you don't stop screaming- we won't do X '. Usually it works. I observed one of her friend's mums doing the same with her daughter. Her daughter is also 4 and a half and she just cries and has tantrums really really easily and a lot. The mum does the same as me and will threaten to leave if the daughter doesn't stop having a tantrum. Usually it works.

They're starting school in less than 4 weeks and I think at that point they need to know that yes, they have feelings - they can show them - but screaming and shouting and stomping around is NOT going to get you to get your way.

With the two year old it's different. I do the same strategies to start with - ' I know you want to stay at the park and leaving makes you sad... etc ' and then I try to distract him and if I can't, I just let him scream and I'm there for him if he needs me.

This all sounds so perfect doesn’t it? If only parenting were actually like this/ this simple.
😭

I am a teacher and I don't think that children should be afraid of their parents or that parents should be authoritarian. Hitting is definitely a no.

However, I agree with some points about decision fatigue, lack of boundaries, parents finding it hard to say no or cope with upset, frequent lengthy explanations for decisions.

There is a crisis in staffing at schools and children's behaviour is one major factor. Imagine you had 30 children who wanted to do everything in their own time, required lengthy explanations for every decision.

However I think parenting by consensus is really important with teenagers for certain choices or decisions. Like everything with children and teens, moderation.

You can be firm/ strict without shouting. Children need boundaries and rules but I never felt the need to yell.

I guess my style could have been described as gentle parenting as in I didn’t hit and we weren’t (aren’t) a shouty household, although there have been occasions I’ve raised my voice a bit. My kids never had to worry what sort of mood I was in or anything like that. Gentle parenting sounds a bit insipid and permissive though, it could do with a better name.

I like pp’s respectful parenting - that would describe my style much better.

Gentle parenting is structured. As a teacher I'm fed up with gentle parenting being used as an excuse to never respond to bad behaviour. It's basically lazy parenting.

Depends what you mean by “gentle” parenting. My parents were quite authoritarian and me and my sister never once brought trouble home as a result. My husbands parents were a little less authoritarian and the worst thing him and his brother did was get girls pregnant at 18 & 19. My SD on the other hand is a whole different kettle of fish. She learned to play us off against each other and had her nan and grandad wrapped round her little finger so was hardly ever disciplined or punished as if was us doing it she’d just go running to them and they’d undermine whatever punishment we put in place. She has turned out to be a juvenile delinquent so no I don’t think “gentle” parenting is effective. Kids need to have rules and boundaries in place and accept the consequences of their actions

There are a lot of people criticising gentle parenting on this thread and smugly patting themselves on the back for their own sterner discipline before describing all the ways in which they’re actually incredibly permissive, but because it results in them losing their rag and having to shout to have any effect on their children they think they have strict discipline instead of recognising themselves as permissive.

I have mostly been a gentle parent. My children (now teens) have always behaved impeccably at school and in other people's homes and out of the house. At home they rule the roost a bit more than I'd like and there are constant negotiations that didn't happen in my childhood as I didn't feel I had a right to an opinion. Having to navigate 4 opinions in a family is the reason I sometimes question the gentle parenting approach. It's exhausting! But I think and hope they are more confident and secure than I was growing up. As a teacher I recognise the concern about children who can't learn because they have no respect for teachers or adults. I don't think that has been caused by gentle parenting at least not the type I understand- more likely by screen/ gaming addictions and permissive parenting I think

It’s not simple, it takes a lot of work and consistent effort. It does, however, work and the effort it takes is repaid multiple times over.

Gentle parenting is absolute bullshit and I'm genuinely terrified to see the outcome in a few years.

It depends entirely on child

How old are
your children? How many do you have?

I’m really interested why your 2 year old is allowed feelings about say leaving the park, but your 4 year old isn’t. Them throwing a tantrum while you leave the park isn’t them ‘stomping their feet to get their way’ they’re disappointed, and that’s allowed. Hold your boundary - we are leaving the park, AND you can be sad about that.

In the example you gave about putting your son down, I wonder if she really understood what ‘patient’ meant. Of course she found waiting hard! Sternly telling her you’ve had enough of her disturbing her brother isn’t ungentle. Gentle doesn’t mean thousands of words or excessive explanations, and even if you explain clearly and concisely doesn’t mean they’re rational enough to magically regulate themselves and go ‘ah yes of course!’. I’d explain less, and do more, in general.

Kids aren't behaving at school because school is not designed to play to kid's strengths. It's a capitalist grind machine designed to control large groups of small people.

I would say I’ve followed gentle parenting, my kids (so far) are really well behaved, age 16 and 14 I’ve shouted at them both once each when they were younger and grounded my eldest once. They are both good as gold most of the time with no cheek and do exactly what they’re asked.

key things. I always follow through with what I say I’m going to do (both good and bad)
both kids went to martial arts from age 4 (great for discipline) they both don’t particularly like it but it’s one of the few rules that are non negotiable (for discipline and self defense)
they both have good friendship groups, which I think helps
we talk and I give advice on their relationships, I won’t tell them who they can and can’t see (but I will be there to pick up the pieces)
I work very much on trust and tbh they’re both very worried about disappointing me
ill pick my battles with them and don’t fuss about the small things

hope that helps

Them throwing a tantrum while you leave the park isn’t them ‘stomping their feet to get their way’ they’re disappointed, and that’s allowed

but you can’t go through life throwing tantrums every time something is disappointing? The feelings are ok, but at some point surely kids need to learn that the screaming and shouting and throwing themselves around is not ok?

I agree with a previous poster that gentle parenting is just parenting on a good day. We all aspire to always remain calm and patient, not shout at our kids but discuss the behaviour - however inevitably we (as humans) sometimes lose our tempers and shout or don’t handle the situation well.

I think gentle parenting is probably easier when you only have 1 child.

My neighbours practice gentle parenting and their son it a nightmare. He doesn't share, hits and has anger outbursts. We avoid play dates with them because, quite frankly, they've failed to tell him off when it has been needed.

Your post made me laugh. I have kids similar and they are a bit bonkers ‘high fun’ types. Everyone sitting quietly on the train my kids making up games, chatting loudly, rolling around laughing. On the way to school. Exhausting. I did a combo. I shouted, cajoled and explained. I’m an inconsistent parent. I’m just not that good at discipline - I don’t like being told what to do so maybe that’s why. But in general they have turned out OK. We have a very close family, a few volcanic explosions but it’s usually all over with quickly and the kids are kind to a fault and fun to be around. They were just a bit of a handful when younger. One thing we did set consistent boundaries with was kindness and telling it straight even when it means you get in trouble. We always tried to get them to see someone else’s point of view. I remember we once went to friends when they were little and our friends said “just the threat.” of punishment was enough to stop any bad behaviour! Sadly mine were too feral for that and frankly didn’t care that much if we put them on a naughty step. So we didn’t go down this route. Negotiation and discussion, and only a couple of ‘line in the sand’ rules seemed to work better. We gave up on forcing apologies when everyone was grumpy if they were insincere. Obviously more subtlety as they got older. Even then it was hard work ! I did sometimes wish that my children were more biddable. But they weren’t. Very well behaved in school and out in public though.

Shouting at them when they express disappointment isn’t giving them a coping skill either though. My daughter is 4.5, we discuss things after they happen and what we can do next time - ie if she’s gotten really angry and hit/thrown, what can she do next time (deep breaths, etc). It’s also how you keep them for a transition, a timer works well for us. If you want them to express frustration in a different way you have to give them a different way, it won’t magically happen because they’re shouted at to stop having a tantrum.

Shouting at them when they express disappointment isn’t giving them a coping skill either though. My daughter is 4.5, we discuss things after they happen and what we can do next time - ie if she’s gotten really angry and hit/thrown, what can she do next time (deep breaths, etc). It’s also how you keep them for a transition, a timer works well for us. If you want them to express frustration in a different way you have to give them a different way, it won’t magically happen because they’re shouted at to stop having a tantrum

I also discuss with her before and after in a calm way.

But if she's being a brat and going overboard, she will be told eventually to stop. She can be upset etc but not screaming, stomping etc for prolonged periods.

I know I don't always gentle parent at all.

How many do I have to have and what ages before you would accept that their behaviour is down to my parenting?