Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

[flowermo]

Let me start by saying that I am not an expert at parenting styles.

I know bits and bobs from reading articles, books, talking to other mums/ grandmas and a lot of reading on Mumsnet.

I understand there are a lot of misconceptions about gentle parenting. However let me summarise my understanding- it's about firm boundaries, but doesn't promote shouting and hitting etc and generally using fear to get your kids to behave. It encourages understanding a child's development phases and what can and cannot be expected of them at any particular stage. Helping them understand and validate feelings, negative and positive ones etc.

Another style of parenting, perhaps the authoritarian style or ' traditional ' style that was used a lot in our parents generation, is a lot more shouty. Perhaps even hitting. Children are scolded for having tantrums and punished. Parents rule with fear of shouting / hitting / scolding. Kids are often scared of their parents. I remember growing up in this kind of household, as did all of my friends really.

I would say I use something in between the two styles with my children. But more on the gentler side. I don't hit but sometimes I do shout for example. I try to understand the stage of development they're at and what I can reasonably expect from their behaviour. I try to use consequences like taking toys away or denying them treats they wanted. I don't think my kids are afraid of me. I don't think I'm a particularly good parent. Or that I'm doing things right. They misbehave and I'm often stressed out. They're still small, 2 and 4 and I'm just trying to find my way.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is. I've been speaking to some other mums of slightly older kids who are also teachers. They really think that the gentle parenting approach is hurting kids and kids are out of control more than they were in the past. More authoritarian methods work better apparently and kids should be scared of their parents and should be worried about getting in trouble ( not violence ) at home, if they mess around at school. Teachers are leaving the profession because kids are so badly behaved and parents have no control over their kids.

What do you think about this? Is gentle parenting working ? Is it true that kids are so badly behaved now ? ( doesn't every generation say that about the new generation? ).

One thing I've noticed is that if I discipline my kids in public, by slightly raising my voice, people do stare. I never see any parents doing that nowadays. It was normal to get a telling off if you messed around in public when I was a child.

I'm not trying to be divisive or judge either side of the debate. I don't know what I'm doing or whether it's right. I guess I spend most of my time thinking I should be firmer, then feeling abusive when I do shout at them. I'm also lost. I really don't want to piss anyone off. So please be kind.

I think some of you need to have these discussions before you enter anywhere .

We are going to play on the park. When I tell you it’s time to leave, I expect you to come quickly and not make a fuss. When we get home we’ll have ice cream.

Or we are going to eat in the restaurant, I expect you to sit and eat nicely. When we are finished you can play outside.

Any crying and we go home.

Set the boundary - set the consequences.

Teacher will not have time to deal with your ‘gentle parented child’ with 30 other kids with at least 6 with special needs.

They need to do as they are told, when they are told. Otherwise it’s mayhem.

I’m a teacher and a parent to a 2 (3 next month) and 5 year old and choose to gentle parent. At 2 and 4 pushing boundaries and being unable to self regulate is normal and developmentally appropriate. I believe gentle parenting - with FIRM and CLEAR boundaries (as it sounds like you are doing) is an excellent way of raising children. The parenting I often see is a complete lack of boundaries which is the cause of the problem with behaviour we see now in schools.

@flowermo unfortunately a lot of people forget to put the boundaries in place. Or add any consequences to crossing any boundaries they are in place.

Shouting at them when they express disappointment isn’t giving them a coping skill either though

no I agree, shouting is not helpful, but what to do , how to communicate the behaviour is unacceptable and how to raise a respectful , well behaved and well adjusted child is not easy and simple. The gentle parenting methods sound great in theory, but the reality is inevitably so much messier. Theres a balance between needing to communicate that certain behaviour is unacceptable and won’t be tolerated and showing understanding/ empathy. , allowing your children to express themselves and validating their feelings. Gentle parenting advice doesn’t always seem to acknowledge the tensions and contradictions.

This is exactly what gentle parenting is - setting clear expectations and holding boundaries. At 2 and 4 they are allowed to make a fuss; they are sad and disappointed that they are leaving a playground and do not yet have the skills to know how to deal with those emotions. Their brained literally haven’t developed that part yet! Giving into the tantrum about leaving and letting them stay longer would be the problem - and what often happens! But that is NOT what gentle parenting is.

Yes but when do you say the tantruming isn’t ok because their brains have developed enough to have some control over their behaviour? And how do you communicate the tantrum isn’t ok?

You sound lovely. I am a teacher, a single parent and have two of my own teens (one neurodivergent). I have struggled with this but the way I have brought mine up seems to have worked. They have boundaries (around safety, being kind, telling the truth) and sometimes I have probably raised my voice but I have also showed them a lot of respect and oodles of love. We trust each other and that is so important. They know that they can tell me anything and I will handle it well but also that there are certain things that they have to be responsible for. As they get older there are consequences if they forget where they put something or if they don’t wash their faces and get spots. They also know that I am reliable, a bit fierce but completely safe. Sorry, haven’t read other posts because pushed for time but good luck. Being a mum who asks/cares, you will be grand.

I worked in school dinners and the kids would sometimes play up and every time the head teacher would come in and ask if they would behave like that in a restaurant? Because it's not very nice. Cue the kids still playing up and 4 dinner ladies with their eyes rolled so far round they couldn't see.
Eventually we refused to serve until everyone behaved, the kids them started sorting each other out. It worked.

I'm a teacher (primary) and most of the children I have met whose parents claim to follow gentle parenting refuse to follow any rules and are generally horror shows. However, these children also have no boundaries and no consequences so can't share, can't be told no as they know they can basically do what they like. That type of parenting, where you'd rather be mates with your child than a parent, doesn't work.

Perfect. Expectations need to be set.

I do believe parents who adopt the ‘gentle parenting’ approach are too soft. They have tried to take the easy option but in the long term it is much, much harder. Mine are teens now and I am SO glad I set proper boundaries when they were small.

I’d definitely recommend How to Talk so Kids will Listen and also Siblings without Rivalry. They informed my parenting so much.

IME you can’t really reason with a 2yo. It’s about distraction and simple, consistent rules.

We have certain non-negotiable rules in our house: my kids know them and know I will be cross if they don’t obey them. They apply to us all. It’s not authoritarian parenting but they do know who’s boss. Having said that, I encourage them to question things and express themselves while being respectful.

I don’t really shout at them (once in a blue moon) and I have never hit them or been physically threatening, but they are still scared of me! Not in an authoritarian way, but they massively respect my boundaries and rules. They are teens now and great.

I have to say there are a lot of absolutely perfect parents of both the gentle and non gentle persuasion on here!

I am a senior leader in primary school. We have definitely seen an increase in families where parents find it hard to say ‘no’ and enforce boundaries. We notice that children are given far too much choice and can’t handle it when boundaries are put in place at school. We talk about it being the difference between ‘Child led’, where parents do what their child wants even if it isn’t in their best interest, and ‘child centred’ where the parent makes the right decision as they are the adult (even if the child doesn’t like it).

I am a parent of an autistic teen and would describe gentle parenting as being non confrontational and fair. The poor parenting we see at school every day is not this- it is poor parenting with a lack of boundaries and being led by what children want and not what is best for them.

As a pp said above, how are these children going to manage in society? This is something that I have thought about a lot with my autistic child so that he can manage successfully in the world.

In my experience it does not work, my kid got to 3 and it stopped working altogether. I'm so glad I changed my tune. The gentle parenting courses tell you to okay the feeling, don't shout, give them options, time outs are bad, holding things from them as punishmen is bad etc. You're meant to rely on "natural consequences". Hahaha let me tell you now my 3+ year old didn't give a shit about natural consequences or any such thing. We had to get firmer and pronto!

I don’t often shout but when I do my kid knows something is UP. I give her a look and ask her what she's doing wrong and she will tell me and then I ask what should you be doing? She knows! I do time outs on the stairs as a consequence or losing privileges or toys for a certain time, leaving fun places if not behaving etc. I speak respectfully but firmly to them and if they don't listen I say something like "I won't ask you nicely again" and they generally respond to that, if they don't the next time I don't ask nicely!

Christ it's not perfect and parenting is bloody hard work!! I will never ever hit my kids. But gentle parenting is a con, you can respect your kids and be firm with them and give them consequences without them growing up damaged, I promise!

It's a disaster waiting to happen when these kids get to adulthood and suddenly realise that sometimes the answer is No from your boss, your line manager, the Police. They aren't going to be emotionally equipped to cope with being told what to do.

Nothing makes me cringe more than being out and watching a grown adult trying to negotiate with a toddler....

You are absolutely not in the middle if you use physical violence on your children.

Also, I’m always in situations where I’m trying to figure out the “natural consequences” and there don’t seem to be any! What if the only natural consequence (that isn’t too long term or abstract for a small child to appreciate) is “you are ruining everyone else’s day”? If you can’t withhold privileges, do time out etc, what can you do?

But gentle parenting is a con, you can respect your kids and be firm with them and give them consequences without them growing up damaged, I promise!

You’ve literally just described gentle parenting. Anything other than this described as gentle parenting is permissive.

Gentle parenting doesn’t mean never ever saying no or ever showing frustration or emotion to your kids, far from it. My kids have seen me sad and frustrated, I’m trying to model how I handle anger and frustration because no one ever taught me! We were all probably raised quite authoritatively, I know I got a smack a lot more than my friends and my dad was a verbally abusive arsehole. The result? I don’t speak to him, I struggle with my own emotional regulation and I’m working hard to break the cycle. I am not perfect and I shout far more than I’d like. I also apologise, and tell my children when I’ve messed up.

During the early years 0-3 tantrums are to be expected. 2+ (sometimes earlier) we should be not only allowing the feeling whilst holding the boundary but also naming the feelings and teaching ways of managing the emotions (deep breaths, walking away, having a cuddle, calm activities, using energy such as rubbing and jumping etc) so that they then develop the emotional intelligence to be able to self regulate. This means they CAN respond appropriately. Alongside the firm boundaries being kept consistently for the past 0-6 years, children then have no reason to tantrum as they get older - they CAN regulate and they know that a tantrum will not get them their own way.

One of the interesting things I notice is that lots of parents try to parent by consensus with their young children, and then become much harsher when they become teenagers. When I agree if you have put in the early work, then parenting teenagers is more about discussion and guidance.

I haven’t described gentle parenting I don’t think? I’ve said I do shout, I do time outs (which from memory was frowned upon in gentle parenting), I threaten my kids with taking stuff away, no tv, no whatever if they don’t behave. I no longer ‘okay the feeling’, I feel I am a different parent to how I was when I had my first toddler and was following a gentle parenting course!

What’s the scenario? I mean if they’re being grumpy for no reason and it’s ruining your day the first step is regulate yourself; the second is see if there is a clue as to why they’re being a dick. Hungry? Teeth? Tired? Overwhelmed? (It’s age dependent). The natural consequence might be everyone thinks they’re a knob 😂 a time out isn’t going to magically re regulate them though. See if you can correct it, perhaps some time out from whatever you’re doing, a drink, a snack, a cuddle and regroup.

The bit I bolded is gentle parenting - I hate that name by the way! Respectful, boundaried, loving parenting. Consequences too. I don’t do everything else you describe but ultimately at its core that’s gentle parenting.

Alongside the firm boundaries being kept consistently for the past 0-6 years, children then have no reason to tantrum as they get older - they CAN regulate and they know that a tantrum will not get them their own way

See this is the bit about gentle parenting advice/ guruing that pisses me off. It assumes that if you are the perfect gentle parent you will raise the perfect child, but parents, children, life in general AREN’T like that. So what do you turn when it turns out that despite reading all the books, putting in all your best efforts, the sweat, the tears etc, your child is 4,5 and NOT perfect and is still throwing a tantrum, just because they didn’t get their own way. They are not 2-3 any more. What do you do?