Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

[flowermo]

Let me start by saying that I am not an expert at parenting styles.

I know bits and bobs from reading articles, books, talking to other mums/ grandmas and a lot of reading on Mumsnet.

I understand there are a lot of misconceptions about gentle parenting. However let me summarise my understanding- it's about firm boundaries, but doesn't promote shouting and hitting etc and generally using fear to get your kids to behave. It encourages understanding a child's development phases and what can and cannot be expected of them at any particular stage. Helping them understand and validate feelings, negative and positive ones etc.

Another style of parenting, perhaps the authoritarian style or ' traditional ' style that was used a lot in our parents generation, is a lot more shouty. Perhaps even hitting. Children are scolded for having tantrums and punished. Parents rule with fear of shouting / hitting / scolding. Kids are often scared of their parents. I remember growing up in this kind of household, as did all of my friends really.

I would say I use something in between the two styles with my children. But more on the gentler side. I don't hit but sometimes I do shout for example. I try to understand the stage of development they're at and what I can reasonably expect from their behaviour. I try to use consequences like taking toys away or denying them treats they wanted. I don't think my kids are afraid of me. I don't think I'm a particularly good parent. Or that I'm doing things right. They misbehave and I'm often stressed out. They're still small, 2 and 4 and I'm just trying to find my way.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is. I've been speaking to some other mums of slightly older kids who are also teachers. They really think that the gentle parenting approach is hurting kids and kids are out of control more than they were in the past. More authoritarian methods work better apparently and kids should be scared of their parents and should be worried about getting in trouble ( not violence ) at home, if they mess around at school. Teachers are leaving the profession because kids are so badly behaved and parents have no control over their kids.

What do you think about this? Is gentle parenting working ? Is it true that kids are so badly behaved now ? ( doesn't every generation say that about the new generation? ).

One thing I've noticed is that if I discipline my kids in public, by slightly raising my voice, people do stare. I never see any parents doing that nowadays. It was normal to get a telling off if you messed around in public when I was a child.

I'm not trying to be divisive or judge either side of the debate. I don't know what I'm doing or whether it's right. I guess I spend most of my time thinking I should be firmer, then feeling abusive when I do shout at them. I'm also lost. I really don't want to piss anyone off. So please be kind.

Gentle parenting, yes. Letting kids run amok, taking no responsibility and calling it “gentle parenting”, no.

I agree.

Taking the whole family home would be a punishment imposed upon everyone.

The natural consequence was that he got a bit wet on a hot summer's day and was a bit uncomfortable until he dried out. He was hardly going to have been in wet clothes all day as someone suggested.

The natural consequence of messing around with water is getting wet. Don't want to walk around in wet clothes? Don't mess around with a tap you've been told to leave alone.

I have REALLY noticed this with my two kids this summer !

They'll be quite happy and quiet and as soon as I start talking to an adult, they have a million things they need to say to get my attention.

I was at the Apple Store the other day and my two year old was happily waiting with me. Then as soon as the guy comes out to talk to me, he goes nuts. Wanting my attention, I could barely hear myself speak. I tried to calm him down, give him toys to distract but it was really really hard. It wasn't like this when they were younger as much, but lately it's becoming pretty annoying and I'm trying to handle it the best way I can by distracting them and telling them to wait their turn etc .

I think there tends to be natural consequences: so if you are three and decide not to put on your coat- then you get cold (but luckily I was carrying it for you).
I think many gentle parents are quite strict with regards to bed time, not having junk food available, and screen time. The also practice good habits in terms of table manners; they talk about respect and doing the right thing.

As teenagers, they would cut off the money supply.

Generally not on a hot summers day, no.

I think you need both. I see lots of parents shouting at their kids, often with no explanation of consequences (eg. Stop hitting your sister, without: it could hurt her). Dont think all kids have the emotional intelligence (or care) if they are hurting someone/something like dropping litter so need consequences imo.

Tbh, if you put the groundwork in during the childhood years, there is less of a need for 'consequences' in the teen years.

I think there was a similar thread recently about whether modern parenting techniques are harming kids.

There's been some research that shows kids get very confused by passive facial expressions if they've been naughty. It's much easier for them to understand 'I've been naughty, mummy is cross' if mummy actually looks cross.

Op your parenting sounds normal, I think most of us just try our best knowing we won't always get it right but hoping we do some of the time 🤷‍♀️

I admire people who can pull off genuine gentle parenting. I’m glad I didn’t put much thought into parenting styles before I had my dd because it turned out she is lovely but a bit of a handful, very energetic and extroverted, whereas I’m extremely introverted and don’t handle stress well, especially combined with tiredness.
I’m getting better and learning as I go along but following an actual parenting style is unfortunately way beyond me.

Gentle parents seem to think everyone else scream at and hits their kids and their children are terrified of their parents. As if there is no half way house between - Gentle hands as your child bashes a child repeatedly, and a large wallop and STOP THAT NOW.

There's a difference between permissive and gentle parenting.

The brats you'll see are/were more likely to have permissive parenting i.e allowed what they wanted, given something to stop them from crying etc. Whereas gentle parenting is acknowledging the emotion whilst still holding boundaries.

I am a shouty person, not going to lie there in the slightest. The difference between my parenting and that of my parents is massive still though. My parents were emotionally stunted and if my brother or I had feelings then threats were made and told to 'grow up' or 'stop crying like a baby'. Whereas with my own kids I'll name the emotions whilst still holding the boundary. For example "I know that you are really sad leaving the park, it's hard to stop something that you are enjoying. We need to leave to collect X from school. I look forward playing with you at the park tomorrow".

@Girliefriendlikespuppies do you remember where you came across that research about calm/passive facial expressions?
Thanks.

I don't think the problems in schools are about gentle parenting. I think it's a lack of support services and unmet needs in both the kids and parents. Also since Covid the absolute authority of schools has been questioned more. I think there is evidence that gentle parenting helps to raise more emotional strong adults, if done properly.

That's not how definitions work, though. Or else we'll end up doubting even the most basic of concepts because of the whims of some people... oh, wait!

But @DaisyFloop he didn't get wet. I did. Should I have fired the tap at him?

I mean, I'd probably have enjoyed it but not sure it is the correct lesson to teach.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies this has always been one of my gut feelings about gentle parenting (how it's often practiced) - children are incredibly perceptive of adults' emotions and I find it so jarring to hear a parent either talking about being Very Cross with a blank face, or (even worse imo) using the gentle parenting scripts and gentle voice when they're clearly simmering with rage underneath. Kids can hear the rage underneath. I definitely shout a bit too much but I do genuinely believe it's healthier and more honest as another poster said to just briefly shout when you're pissed off, than give your child a long drawn out earful through gritted teeth about how their behaviour wasn't nice.

I had one parent who was shouty and not there very often. The other was more calm and accepting. I think it was a good balance. I think if you are a solo parent then you have no choice but to do both at times.

There was also no tolerance for bad attitudes at school. For example if a class was playing up, the head teacher would come and observe the class. We all stopped then. A lot of emphasis was put on your attitude while accepting that sometimes kids break rules and there needs to be punishments when rules are broken. One thing they did at my school which I hated was that they had this punishment where you had to change into PE kit and run round the games field at break time. Only got that once or twice and honestly hated it. Also participation in sport was compulsory - I think that fostered team spirit, doing something even if you don't feel like it.

As a primary school teacher, no it doesn’t.

The problem is that people take gentle parenting to mean never ever doing anything to upset their child.

So the boundaries & consequences imposed tend to be soft & lacking impact, and the children don't learn to handle disappointment, sharing, not getting their way.

Its also very affirmatory of "big feelings". Young children can have quite disproportionate reactions to things and lack perspective. Its actually important NOT to overacknowledge, they need to be taught that they are overreacting to minor grievances (whether physical or emotional), pick themselves up and carry on

I also actually believe children do need to see and learn that mum and dad have emotions too, and that they can get angry or upset (and not have to bottle that up), even if its a bit scary to see mum lose her rag because you've done something you know full well was wrong (again). You learn that you don't enjoy upsettimg others and that the behaviour is unacceptable and not worth repeating.

Too many people also take gentle parenting approaches like distraction etc that are intended for pre verbal toddlers, and are still doing only this with bigger school aged kids. You need firmer boundaries/consequences as children get older!

That approach is just manipulative and teaching a child they are responsible for other people's emotions.

DC now 20 and 23. I would describe my style as warm/strict. Love and cuddles never shied away from but expectations of good behaviour. It goes without saying that was age related, that’s just good parenting not gentle parenting. Distraction was key in averting unwanted behaviour but I’d didn’t shy away from discipline, normally just a firm no and consequences. They are delightful adults who learnt very quick how to behave when in public etc, always had good school reports about manners etc. Those things were very important to us.
The problem with gentle parenting is when it means never saying no to a child. Storing up problem for school. They will be told no and expected to understand that there are rules in every part of life.

I think gentle and permissive parenting often get conflated but they are very much not the same thing.

I try to gentle parent (more by instinct than any real planned intention, I just copied my own amazing mum and later found it had been given a name)

It's lots of being clear on what boundaries are, explaining why they are, listening to why they maybe should change; and either then explaining why that's not going to happen, or occasionally actually reasesesing the situation, and perhaps changing the boundaries.

For example when ds went into year five he suggested he be allowed to stay up a bit later at the weekend and school holiday. I thought it through and we agreed a slightly later (though not as late as he wanted) bedtime. Another time he wanted to walk to school on his own when he really wasn't old enough. I explained why that wasn't a good idea yet, that it wasn't happening right now, that it would at some point and what criteria would need to be met for that to happen.

Or not so long ago, when he ate an entire share bag of skittles when I told him not to eat them all. He then promptly puked the Skittles down the loo, and learned first hand why I had said what I said. Now he only ever eats a reasonable amount at a time, because the natural consequence of being greedy was pretty unpleasant. I didn't shout at him for eating all of the sweets. There was no need to. But he got little sympathy for feeling a bit green, made to clean the sick off the toilet seat and didn't get the sweets which were supposed to last a couple of days replaced

I think it's mostly just realising that children are people, and if you speak to them in language they understand and with respect and kind authority, everyone rubs along quite nicely.

Ds's teachers are always saying that he's well behaved in school, he's a team player, helps other pupils, is friendly, respectful etc, all traits I see mirrored at home for the most part

I do think it's a good 50/50 mix of nature vs nurture though. He's not a difficult child to parent at all and I would perhaps need to take a more authoritative stance with one who tested the boundaries more

I think you did the right thing. She’s only 4 and she wants your attention when she knows your giving it to her sibling. The important thing is that you are doing something one on one when he’s asleep - hopefully she’ll start to learn that is your special time.

You achieved your goal of getting him asleep and nobody got too upset! A win for sure.

@SusanSHelit that doesn’t sound like gentle parenting. That sounds like good parenting.