Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

[flowermo]

Let me start by saying that I am not an expert at parenting styles.

I know bits and bobs from reading articles, books, talking to other mums/ grandmas and a lot of reading on Mumsnet.

I understand there are a lot of misconceptions about gentle parenting. However let me summarise my understanding- it's about firm boundaries, but doesn't promote shouting and hitting etc and generally using fear to get your kids to behave. It encourages understanding a child's development phases and what can and cannot be expected of them at any particular stage. Helping them understand and validate feelings, negative and positive ones etc.

Another style of parenting, perhaps the authoritarian style or ' traditional ' style that was used a lot in our parents generation, is a lot more shouty. Perhaps even hitting. Children are scolded for having tantrums and punished. Parents rule with fear of shouting / hitting / scolding. Kids are often scared of their parents. I remember growing up in this kind of household, as did all of my friends really.

I would say I use something in between the two styles with my children. But more on the gentler side. I don't hit but sometimes I do shout for example. I try to understand the stage of development they're at and what I can reasonably expect from their behaviour. I try to use consequences like taking toys away or denying them treats they wanted. I don't think my kids are afraid of me. I don't think I'm a particularly good parent. Or that I'm doing things right. They misbehave and I'm often stressed out. They're still small, 2 and 4 and I'm just trying to find my way.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is. I've been speaking to some other mums of slightly older kids who are also teachers. They really think that the gentle parenting approach is hurting kids and kids are out of control more than they were in the past. More authoritarian methods work better apparently and kids should be scared of their parents and should be worried about getting in trouble ( not violence ) at home, if they mess around at school. Teachers are leaving the profession because kids are so badly behaved and parents have no control over their kids.

What do you think about this? Is gentle parenting working ? Is it true that kids are so badly behaved now ? ( doesn't every generation say that about the new generation? ).

One thing I've noticed is that if I discipline my kids in public, by slightly raising my voice, people do stare. I never see any parents doing that nowadays. It was normal to get a telling off if you messed around in public when I was a child.

I'm not trying to be divisive or judge either side of the debate. I don't know what I'm doing or whether it's right. I guess I spend most of my time thinking I should be firmer, then feeling abusive when I do shout at them. I'm also lost. I really don't want to piss anyone off. So please be kind.

I am a teacher. Gentle parenting is not the problem.
Lazy, dismissive, disinterested parenting with a lack of boundaries or consequences is the problem. Kids are shoved on screens or left to their own devices.

Gentle parenting on the other hand, has very clear and firm boundaries, and consequences.

I'm gentle parenting, I have a 3, 13 and almost 16 yo. All lovely children, treat others with respect, are kind and the older ones are doing great at school.
I think people who are against gentle parenting either can't control their own emotions therfore like to pass off their parenting style as the right one and judge others who can manage their emotions or they are ill informed and mistake gentle parenting with permissive parenting.

I think that children should know that their parents aren’t robots and are human beings who can get angry or upset.

I don’t think robotic parenting (or teaching) is a good thing and, talking to pupils, they far prefer teachers who care, even if they get shouty at times, to the ones who use all the teaching techniques but don’t actually care.

Trying to be a robot is bloody hard work and, IMO, counterproductive anyway.

Oh sorry @Singleandproud I didn't doubt there are parents out there that respond like that - but it's not really another "parenting style" or another option to gentle parenting - it's just abusive and vile.

I'm a social worker and my experience is the same. It's the children who have been hit and shouted at who are hitting and shouting at others, have no regard for the law or education and end up with serious mental health and substance misuse problems. They also often go on to have children and treat their children the same so the vicious cycle continues.

The children I know whose parents use "gentle parenting" have no boundaries at all. Much like the parents.

I echo others, I don’t think hitting or screaming is necessary, however, there is a difference between ‘gentle’ parenting and ‘permissive’ parenting. I think the children who are struggling more (or have others struggling with them) are more subject to ‘permissive’ parenting where parents want to be friends rather than parents!

I don't understand why everyone has to adopt a specific parenting style. I genuinely don't think it matters how you parent, within reason. You need to have clear boundaries, and not scream at or hit your DC, beyond that it is personal choice, and depends massively on the personalities and needs of the DC as to what works best. My parenting style is make it up as you go along, which has seemed to work so far.

The consequence is that she doesn’t get to do her activity. Simple. At five she’s able to understand that.

But I would explain it very clearly to her so she’s clear what the options are: “We’re going for a walk first. I expect you to behave nicely. I know you’re frustrated, but it’s time to do what our friends would like to do. It’s not ok to shout and scream about this at someone else’s house. You can choose to behave nicely now and we’ll do it when we get back, or you can choose to behave badly and we won’t.”

Then no more discussion.

I doubt that would be classed as gentle parenting but it’s what I would have done 🤷‍♀️

Also, 10 minutes of good behaviour? Why did you make it so complicated? It was really quite simple IMO!

honestly,

every generation has there own « I will do better than my parents did » version of parenting and then years later…tada! That didn’t work because…fill in the blank.

every child is different but they all need : love and boundaries. There isn’t no different « versions » of love or boundaries. Either there is and there isn’t.

I personally think nowadays we should really talk more about the immense screentime children are exposed to. The huge bump in the mental health issues in young children. The juge bump is maternal mental issues, postpartum…etc. The ice is running thin no?

😓

I am "that parent" because of my own experiences of schooling which I do not wish on any child. It was a toxic environment filled mostly with teachers who had no business working with children. And I was lucky because, at least, we were allowed to use toilets outside of specially allocated time and to have our lunch indoors. I am also "that parent" because I was in a relationship with a teacher who hated every day in a classroom and every child in it.
And my opinion of detention is not childish petulance. It is informed by a multitude of studies which clearly show that it is neither a deterrent nor a way to improve academic performance.
But what does my opinion matter? You are a teacher and, therefore, must always be right, mustn't you?

I’ve got an almost 20yr old and 16yr old and have used gentle parenting and I can honestly say hand on heart neither have caused me a days trouble in their teen years. They know if they were ever in trouble I’m not going to over react / shout etc. It wasn’t an intentional choice, more a reflection of my personality. Their dad isn’t quite as relaxed but he’s worked overseas most of their childhood so I’ve raised them.

This!

People may have described our parenting style as gentle but I didn't think it was at the time

Before DD was born I read a few books and we discussed and agrees up front how we would parent. The main things were no smacking or physical rwprimqndinf of any kind (I believe kw this rule once when she was 5 and ran off on a very busy main road), no shouting - brought this rule many times when she was a teen, mainly because she has her headphones on (!), no use of fear as reprimand /punishment /teaching - never broke this rule though the first time I shouted at DD she asked me to stop because it was scary, and not to treat her like a child but rather, like a small human - I'm a firm believer that children are way more switched on and developed mentally than we give them credit for. The most difficult thing to manage was that we agreed we would always answer any questions they asked.

We also had very clear boundaries. We had a 'chill out space' as opposed to a naughty step. Clear consequences. When they were old enough, responsibility and 'owning' theie choices and decisions.

The key for us was to always have reasons for doing what we did and being able to properly explain those, age appropriately. We also were very clear about the difference between 'you' and 'your behaviour'. We never told them they were naughty or bad or good etc. We focussed on what they did - that was unkind, that is a lovely thing you said /did, you're not behaving very nicely, you're doing really well.

I don't know any other way, other than my own childhood with 3 siblings, so I can't compare. What I can say is that there was minimal stress. They trust us and confide in us, and we are the first people they call when they need help - even when they knew there'd be consequences. We've had calls - I drank too much, please come and get me, I've taken '...' and I'm scared, please come and get me, I'm going to have sex and want to discuss birth control and so on. They know that safety and well being come first, and then we deal with consequences.

People have often commented on how 'easy' we've had it with such well bahaved, polite children. This used to really annoy me - it wasnt easy. They weren't born that way. It was really hard work, like all parenting is. It was lots of having to really control the urge to shout or snack or punish. It was effort like all parenting is.

I do think there's some misconceptions about gentle parenting. About all parenting really. A very close friend of mine had zero rules with her children. Their home was completely child led. As toddlers/youngsters they were a handful (some parents refused to have their DC visit them!) and as yiung teens, some of the things they got up to would be frowned upon but they have grown into the nicest, politest, high achieving young adults. They're not off the rails.

I think as long as you commit and are consistent, set boundaries and make your home and you as parents their 'safe place' then parenting style is secondary

Children like routine. Children like to know the boundaries /rules. Children want to feel safe and not judged in their own home/family.

And the reality is - we all make loooaaaddds of mistakes. We all think we're not as good as parenting as we should be. We all worry about the ways in which we may have fucked up our children! We all dread our children telling us what bad parents we were when they're older.

Sorry for the essay!

I never had loads of rules for ds, just open communication, he knew he could always talk to me about anything he needed to & he knew I would always talk to him if I felt there was something he needed to know. It was the same for screen time & gaming, as long as his homework was done & he was in bed for a reasonable time, I wasn't bothered if he wanted to game all evening.

And reading some other posts - for the record, I don't think gentle parenting is about letting children do what they want.

Mine had stricter rules than most of their friends - earlier curfews, regular chores, earning rewards, no parties with alcohol etc, no underage clubbing etc. I always had to know where they were and with whom, regularly checked phones - including Snapchat, WhatsApp, Instagram etc, no TV/gadgets in bedrooms, no SM unless I was friend also. And they NEVER, not once, hit another child ever (as far as we know, but never told this had happened etc) - even when children hit them.

Gentle parenting is not no parenting. As I said, misconceptions

Gentle parenting techniques are very effective with my son who has adhd and odd. I wish I’d done it consistently from a younger age, and not felt under pressure to be more authoritative from other people being judgy.

I go by instinct and respond as I see fit so I can't say I ascribe to any particular parenting type but have always had a secure attachment style with them. We have a warm, extremely loving and fun relationship but I'm pretty strict about manners, doing the right thing and always set very clear boundaries as to what is okay and what is not okay. And I absolutely shout from time to time.

I've found as they grow and mature that these boundaries are increasingly self-imposed and I'm proud of them for that. They're great kids. Not saying they're perfect but I'm very proud of them and the fact that they know right from wrong and to show kindness to others.

I think it does 🤷‍♀️ we try to gentle parent. Occasionally shout (mostly when I have pmt unfortunately). One of my kids deffo needs firmer boundaries than the other - she's more rebellious by nature. They do well at school/socially and no issues there. We have a good relationship with them both and they do as we ask most of the time... of course they don't always agree with our decisions (e.g. the computer is making you cross and you need a break and some outdoor time) but I can now have conversations with them where I explain the problem to them and ask what they think I should do/what's the alternative, which are really helpful.

Our biggest battle is them fighting, but it isn't all the time. My brother and I used to have full fist fights where as my two very rarely lay hands on each other so while the bickering is annoying it is the lesser of 2 evils. They are 6 and 8 for context.

Had a few girls round for youngest's birthday party recently and was a bit surprised by some of the behaviour and found my calm boundary setting coming in 😂

I think most of us know the 'perfect' way of parenting (no shouting, no threats, but firm boundaries) but non of us are perfect. I don't know any mums irl that never shout at their kids and most of us know that shouting isn't helpful, but we're also human. If you asked anyone 12 times to stop doing something and they still did it, you'd lose your patience, child or adult.

Kids are all different, but they do need to learn boundaries through whatever method works. DS has ASD so I had to learn to be much gentler than my nature would probably intend 😁but both he and DD are great teenagers so we either got lucky or did something right. But I have certainly raised my voice from time to time and I did slap the backs of their hands sometimes as toddlers.

I'm not over familiar with permissive parenting but there was one Mum at playgroups etc when mine were small, who didn't believe in saying no to her son. She was a single Mum and they were very co-dependent, but he ran rings round her and over the years that followed, got worse every time we saw them. Sadly, the last I heard was that he had been taken away as she couldn't cope.

I suspect he may have had additional needs - and there were other difficulties facing the family - but I do wonder whether a stricter upbringing might have avoided the worst case scenario? But no-one can know that.....

Permissive camp here. I grew up happily in a family with few rules and so didn't really feel the need to parent (I find parenting as a verb an odd concept). My DCs survived just fine despite occasional clashes with schools (which I supported them to navigate themselves).

We have never raised our voice to our DD but she is incredibly anxious and is always worried she has done something wrong. It is hard to even give her kindly meant guidance or advice without her getting upset. If a teacher is even remotely strict she gets so distressed. She is 15 and autistic but I still worry that we have been so gentle, she can’t handle life. It is hard to know if it is just her personality and SEN or if we have let her down by never telling her off.

What do you mean control your own emotions? Obviously no one should be losing it and screaming and shouting. But I do not agree its a good idea to pretend not to be angry or irritated and cover it up with a sing songy voice.