Does 'gentle parenting' work ?

[flowermo]

Let me start by saying that I am not an expert at parenting styles.

I know bits and bobs from reading articles, books, talking to other mums/ grandmas and a lot of reading on Mumsnet.

I understand there are a lot of misconceptions about gentle parenting. However let me summarise my understanding- it's about firm boundaries, but doesn't promote shouting and hitting etc and generally using fear to get your kids to behave. It encourages understanding a child's development phases and what can and cannot be expected of them at any particular stage. Helping them understand and validate feelings, negative and positive ones etc.

Another style of parenting, perhaps the authoritarian style or ' traditional ' style that was used a lot in our parents generation, is a lot more shouty. Perhaps even hitting. Children are scolded for having tantrums and punished. Parents rule with fear of shouting / hitting / scolding. Kids are often scared of their parents. I remember growing up in this kind of household, as did all of my friends really.

I would say I use something in between the two styles with my children. But more on the gentler side. I don't hit but sometimes I do shout for example. I try to understand the stage of development they're at and what I can reasonably expect from their behaviour. I try to use consequences like taking toys away or denying them treats they wanted. I don't think my kids are afraid of me. I don't think I'm a particularly good parent. Or that I'm doing things right. They misbehave and I'm often stressed out. They're still small, 2 and 4 and I'm just trying to find my way.

Anyway what I'm trying to say is. I've been speaking to some other mums of slightly older kids who are also teachers. They really think that the gentle parenting approach is hurting kids and kids are out of control more than they were in the past. More authoritarian methods work better apparently and kids should be scared of their parents and should be worried about getting in trouble ( not violence ) at home, if they mess around at school. Teachers are leaving the profession because kids are so badly behaved and parents have no control over their kids.

What do you think about this? Is gentle parenting working ? Is it true that kids are so badly behaved now ? ( doesn't every generation say that about the new generation? ).

One thing I've noticed is that if I discipline my kids in public, by slightly raising my voice, people do stare. I never see any parents doing that nowadays. It was normal to get a telling off if you messed around in public when I was a child.

I'm not trying to be divisive or judge either side of the debate. I don't know what I'm doing or whether it's right. I guess I spend most of my time thinking I should be firmer, then feeling abusive when I do shout at them. I'm also lost. I really don't want to piss anyone off. So please be kind.

My kids can be pretty wild at times. We've incorporated some traditional Indian parenting techniques, which help in getting them to listen and follow directions. Without that approach, I doubt they'd be as cooperative!

It doesn't work for the purpose of having well behaved children. It works for the purpose of creating well balanced adults

Exactly, there is not always an obvious natural consequence and certainly not one that children will always care about or even consider! My daughter isn’t scarred by time outs and she hates the tv going off or losing her favourite toy for the day or whatever but that’s the point and it’s not going to come up in therapy when she’s 30. She’s fine and she’s not scared of me!

So firstly I’d like to point out that I gentle parent but I am far from perfect! I raise my voice more than I’d like, sometimes I don’t think about naming the feeling and some days it’s a miracle we’ve all made it through the day. The general consensus is so long as you are getting it ‘right’ more often than not then you’re doing great.

I also think that our expectations Of 3/4/5 year need altering. They are still only little an md tantrums are still expected. At 4, their brains are having a massive growth spurt and are known for being emotional. Yes if by 6 they are on the floor screaming every time you need to leave the park then there needs to be some further investigating about the child’s behaviour and the reasons behind it.
but the occasional tantrum at age 5/6 is still normal.

I Can only speak from my own experience and research as both a parent and teacher and I apologise if I’ve not fully answered your question - please do reply if there is anything I need to clarify.

Here's my take.

I was a gentle kid, well behaved and sensible, never got into trouble at school. My siblings were all broadly the same.

My parents (well, dad) had been brought up in a brutal environment by no doubt scarred post-war parents. He was authoritarian and terrifying as well as deep down a very kind man. I had a genuinely miserable childhood, not all of which was necessarily down to this, but in part. My siblings and I all have various forms of trauma from childhood.

I am a recovered alcoholic, likely add, and have had various eating disorders all of which I've only recognised in adulthood. I've had loads of paid and nhs therapy, have struggled my entire adult life with crippling anxiety and am on antidepressants. Me and my closest brother both dropped out of uni. I recvered and restarted, sadly he didn't. I have nonetheless massively contributed to society through my job, worked ceaselessly etc. I've never been a burden to anyone but myself.

My siblings all have similar issues, mainly anxiety, but mine are the worst. We're all fairly driven and successful, but mental health issues are rife.

Fast forward to my children. I did attachment parenting, nurtured them, gently cared for them. They were not usually difficult children, I was very blessed behaviour wise. If anything they were too gentle. I was very kind and very soft mostly, and sympathetic to their needs.

In late childhood and adolescence they both went through extreme mental health issues. Eating disorders, extreme anxiety and phobias, social anxiety, body dysmorphia, mebtal health, school avoidance, suicide attempts.

I was at my wits end with it all and, predictably, one of my dds blamed it all on me and dh and became estranged at one point. I remained calm, learned about positive approaches to it all, forgave, helped, gave up work, and worked relentlessly hard to keep us all together. We eventually reconciled. We spent thousands of our savings on private therapy and we were gentle and forgiving.

I believe the difference will show in adulthood. Had I taken the tough love approach favoured by my parents generation, I think my kids outcomes would be far worse. Dd1 is now thriving at a prestigious university in a difficult subject and looks like leaving most of her MH issues behind her.

Dd2 is starting to emerge from her MH issues, and is taking a gentler route towards her qualifications so she has a chance to grow up.

All those years of gentleness I had doubts. There was a nagging voice telling me to take a tougher line, "toughen them up". I suspect if i had, wed be looking at major substance abuse issues by now and estrangement.

We sought to find out the root causes of bad behaviour in terms of pain and distress. My parents weren't equipped with that knowledge and they did their best. I have no regrets.

I have brilliant relationships with all our children who have grown into amazing, sociable and kind adults. Like you, I could be shouty on occasions, but I can be quite a 'loud' person anyway. I've never really been the quiet woman in the corner. If necessary, I applied the 'I tell you once. I tell you twice. The third time you will have a smack', mantra. Our children could quote it verbatim in spite of the fact they hardly ever got to number 3 😁

Hi,

I had abusive parents, so I was always clear that I didn’t want to use fear to manage the behaviour of my children. I do have firm boundaries though and if they don’t listen, rather than shout/get angry, they have a warning (a reasonable consequence such loss of their phone/iPad for an hour/day) . If they don’t take heed of the warning, I follow through with the consequence every time.
So I don’t know if I’d classify it as gentle parenting, as I do have strict boundaries in place but don’t use fear.
It works really well and usually the warning of a consequence is enough.
We also have discussions about behaviour and why some of it isn’t acceptable … and why they were told ‘no’.

And I think this is the biggest issue with people claiming to gentle parent but they aren’t. That’s not gentle parenting and they are giving it a bad name. The smallest amount of research into what gentle parenting is will explain that the biggest part of it is holding clear boundaries. This is not the gentle parenting method that is to blame but the parents for failing to implement any parenting and then claiming they are.

I got hit with a leather belt if I misbehaved. Hitting and scolding categorically do not work as productive parenting style.

Nothing makes me cringe more than being out and watching a grown adult trying to negotiate with a toddler....

Absolutely agree!

So the scenario today we were visiting friends who’d kindly put us up, fed us etc for the weekend. My five year old wanted to do a certain activity that involved using hosts facilities - involving work/ prep for hosts. They went out of their way to facilitate this the day before even though I could tell they didn’t want to, to try to keep my kid happy. Next day she wanted to do it again. Host said, ok, but let’s go for a walk in the woods first. My kid didn’t want to go. She started throwing a tantrum. I tried to explain we need to compromise- if you want people to do things for you, you have to also do some thing they want to do etc, she was having none of it , standing back, screaming, throwing a fit. Maybe she was feeling grumpy, hot, but also she just wanted her own way. The natural consequence of this I guess will be my friend won’t invite us again because my DD is a brat! But that’s too long term for my dd to appreciate in the moment and also I don’t want her to lose out!!
So how do I help her to manage her behaviour in the short term? surely thats my job as mum?
My partner was trying to empathise/ persuade/ cajole. Tbh I think he was just feeding it.

So I told her firmly and crossly that I wasn’t tolerating it. I tried to search for a “natural consequence” ,
couldn’t think of one . we went for the walk, she was a moody brat the whole time and I mostly ignored her behaviour (which I’m sure isn’t in the rule book!) , when we got back I told her as a consequence that she had to have 10 minutes of good behaviour before she could join in with the other activity she wanted to do. Queue more tantruming. Eventually she had her 10 minutes, we had a talk about consequences, I also explained that if she behaved badly as a guest we might not be invited places and she said she’d try to do better next time. I think I need to start doing more of this. But what am I allowed to do and what aren’t I allowed to do according to gentle parenting. I know “time outs” aren’t allowed. I think withholding stuff isn’t either, so probably my consequence wasn’t appropriate ? Genuinely at a loss.

Gentle parenting works for my kids but not every style works for every child.

@MassDebate2024 saying no and having boundaries is a big part of gentle parenting. In a nut shell it means you understand why and vocalise to your kids that they’re disappointed that you said no you can’t have sweets before bedtime (or whatever) but it’s not healthy eating so their not having any. There are a lot of lazy parents who claim they’re gentle parenting, but if they’re not being consistent and putting boundaries in place then it isn’t gentle parenting it’s permissive parenting. Which we all know if awful.

And this is partly why gentle parenting exists - by diminishing their emotions at such a young age teaches them the message that they can’t trust their own emotions and their feelings don’t matter. To them it IS a big thing. They are 2/3/4 years old. They literally have not developed the part of their brain that helps them control their emotions test! That’s our job, to help them learn how to manage those feelings. Not to dismiss them and then punish them for feeling that way.

if you came home from work feeling hurt or cross over something and your partner just told you it’s not a big thing and to get over it how would you feel? Are you ALWAYS n control of your emotions? Never slammed a door or shouted during an argument? And we are grown adults. Sometimes we expect far too much from our small children.

yes we absolutely need them to get to the point that by 6/7 they aren’t having absolute meltdowns but they need teaching how.

Also agree. Negotiation isn’t part of gentle parenting.

Gentle parenting seems to be a catch all for all sorts of things and often mixed up with permissive parenting.

I think conscious parenting is the right term for what you’re describing. It’s absolutely not the easy way out and requires a degree of emotional intelligence that sometimes I really have to push myself to be as aware and as ‘smart’ as I can.

it often requires me to reflect on triggers or difficult experiences in my childhood that would perhaps be easier brushed under the carpet but I must deal with my shit so I can be aware of the choices I make in raising my child.

Something in your post to reflect on regarding punishments. Maybe have a look at “natural consequences”. Makes more sense than “I’ll take your iPad away” for stuff totally unrelated for example.

As for posts saying teachers saying it’s the bain of modern parenting etc etc - I don’t think gentle conscious parenting is. Maybe permissive, but not when you hold boundaries and foster secure attachments. Certainly my teacher friends and our school seem to be very open and pleased with the proactive nature of parenting when there’s been a need to ask their opinion on something or deal with an issue.

For me - the natural consequence is simply that they didn’t get to do the activity they wanted to. They were told they could do the activity but were going for a walk first. No walk, no activity.

once calm you explain why they have lost the activity and also discuss how they could have reacted.

perhaps a space at home where they can calm down when they get to that heightened state rather than a time out. Full of books on feelings, a blanket, bubbles, a squeeze and fidget toy, paper and pencils etc.

again, this is all in an ideal world and no parent is perfect in implementing these things.

I remember my youngest crying once because I told him to stop doing something, I didn't shout, I didn't raise my voice but I 'shouted with my eyes'

Ah thank you I do appreciate that reply. It’s so difficult because It’s hard to know what’s normal and what is a consequence of bad parenting and what might be the result even of mental health or neurodivergence . I try so hard to follow all the advice, but so much of the time it doesn’t seem to have the results it’s supposed to 😭 and there are am negotiating with a 4 yr old terrorist 😂

My colleagues and I object to permissive parenting when it means that we have to teach children who will merrily do whatever they want (excluding SEND needs), meaning that the rest of the class cannot learn. On the other hand, we would also be keeping a close eye on children who seem terrified of their parents, as this would raise safeguarding concerns.

As well as being a KS2 teacher, I’m also parent to 3 and 5yo DDs. I think we do parent more firmly than other families of our acquaintance, but only because I’ve shared with DH how we need to prepare our girls for school and life. They are absolutely not in the slightest scared of us but do respect us; they know that boundaries are absolute, that natural consequences will be applied if needed and that we always mean exactly we say.

The trouble with all this talk of authoritarian vs gentle parenting is that new parents face a minefield of conflicting advice, and we as a society are losing sight of the fact that children need to be taught the skills they will need to thrive in school and beyond: resilience, respect, patience, responsibility etc. That’s what we should be focussing on, not aligning ourselves with a particular parenting style and sticking to it regardless of outcome.

I think you explained the natural consequence to her i.e. if you don't play nicely with them (go for a walk in the woods) they won't play nicely with you (set up the activity she wanted to do), but then didn't follow through because she got to do the activity anyway.

Empathising and explaining are good, but not on and on. Do it once and then let them work through their feelings (remaining open if they want to discuss when calm or seek help to regulate themselves).

I have two children that I used gentle, nurturing parenting techniques with. Aside from the obvious breastfeeding, baby wearing & cosleeping we also gave them age appropriate choices and always explained why we needed to do things. Their feelings and opinions were acknowledged and taken into account. We had plenty of boundaries and didn't just let them do what they wanted, but we always explained why they couldn't do what ever it was, there was never any "because I said so" or "stop crying over nothing" type stuff.

They are both now in their late teens and still talk stuff through with us, have worked hard in school without needing to be coerced, and achieved solid academic grades, and we never had any classic rebellion or acting out. That doesn't mean there haven't been disagreements, I have lost my patience with them when they were being unreasonable etc, they have seen me angry, and know that I'm not a pushover. We have a great, close bond, the eldest talks to me daily when they are away at uni.

Has gentle parenting worked for us? Absolutely.

@Catza ,

‘So your first assumption would be that the child is not doing the exercise as an act of protest? As a teacher, you wouldn’t try to understand the underlying reasons for the child not completing the work?
You wouldn’t check that they understand what you are asking them to do? That they have a full grasp of the concepts studied in previous lessons? Check that they were actually present at the lesson these concepts were studied? ‘

Yup, you really are, as you said yourself, ‘that parent’.

Nope, I wouldn’t try to understand why they aren’t doing the work because anyone can start and have a go. And I know my pupils. I set them appropriate work and I know if they have missed lessons. But, even if they have, It is their responsibility to catch up. And, come their GCSE, writing a page of excuses on why they can’t answer the question won’t get them the grade they want or deserve.

And your attitude to a child being given a detention is childish petulance. Has it occurred to you that detentions, as well as being a good deterrent, are actually support in disguise? The pupils don’t get whipped! They get to sit in a nice warm classroom with relatively few pupils and can get help with work. It is also an environment where it is easy for them to confide in teachers if they are struggling.

I think this would have been too harsh though as it was everything she was looking forward to and all the other kids were going to do it- it would have ruined the rest of her day. def would have been more of a punishment than a natural consequence.
Thats why I did the 10 minute thing as a compromise, But maybe I’m too soft..

Gentle parenting assumes children always misbehave for good reasons e.g. they are over tired, hungry, can't yet regulate their emotions. But sometimes children misbehave because it is fun.
It also assumes parents are always perfectly regulated themselves. They are never tired, irritable or struggling emotionally.

Yes I totally agree. There's a fine line between assertiveness and selfishness, and self-confidence and anti-social behaviour, that I see in children who have not been set clear boundaries by their parents.

You don't need to shout, but you do need to say where they've gone wrong, in as few words as possible.

I know teachers who have been thanked by older students for giving clear boundaries and enabling them to learn. I've heard psychologists say in lectures that teenagers feel unsure of themselves during puberty and push boundaries to test the safety of their waters.