Male friend upset me for ridiculous reason

[pussinboots61]

This is very over the top but I'm very upset. A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety, has kicked off (edited by MNHQ) over something so trivial it's unreal. But because I am an anxious person and live on my nerves it's pushing me to the limit.

It's all over a handbag, yes really. The strap had gone on my handbag and the part where it connects was fraying. I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down. When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong.

He's usually such a warm caring person, everyone who knows him says the same. I dont know how to handle this at all. Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety. Should I just leave him to come round or tell him where to stick it but I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's not usually like this.

Masterclass in how to derail a thread through lack of reading comprehension!

👀👀👀

It's been explained multiple times throughout the thread @CautiousLurker . Using paddy to mean tantrum is offensive.

What you've got there is two different words that sound the same.

The first is offensive, when it refers to an Irish person.

The second isn't, when it's a tantrum.

How do you feel about 'spick and span'?

I think theres maybe a possibility that he's felt overwhelmed or burdened by your issues, but likes you so much that hes allowed it to continue and then snapped at you, rather than communicating properly.
As someone who struggles with anxiety myself who needs to talk things through, it can be difficult to get the balance right when offloading to friends.

He cant unsay what he said, even if hes trying to do damage limitation now, but I would try and remember that he is still a supportive friend, but maybe you could have a talk about whether you've fallen into a rut of him being an unofficial therapist, because thats actually not good for either of you. Its imbalanced. A real counsellor has training and skills and boundaries to deal with complex issues without 'taking them on', whereas friends and family members are too close to the situation to be impartial.

But she didn't ignore the advice anyway. And either way - either she ignores his suggestion and buys a new bag. Problem solved. Or she takes his suggestion and gets the bag fixed - problem solved. In this case she took the second option, thanked him and he kicked of. This isn't a case of the "lady with a nail in her head" joke.

He might well be a nice person but it sounds like he has got himself in the mindset of "having" to fix/solve peoples problems, or needing to be the one who listens to people. Probably that does mean that lots of people go to them with their problems (including the OP) because if you signal that you want people to do that that's what will happen. So it sounds like he failed to assert boundaries then got overwhelmed and kicked of after the fact.

OP - I would remain friends but I wouldn't go to him with your problems (if you have been doing so). Admittedly that might make it awkward to have conversations, as one person chatting about their day "I needed to take my car for an MOT but would you believe it the garage was shut" can be interpreted as "Quick, please help me find a garage for my car NOW. I can't sort this myself and I will probably end up just driving a car without MOT if you don't interfere and tell me what to do." But if he does get like that, just shut down suggestions with "its OK, I already found somewhere else im going tomorrow" etc.

Mea Culpa - looked it up - had no idea it was linked to stereotypes of quick tempered Irishmen so take back my comment about it being inappropriate. Though, as a quick-tempered person of Irish descent, I’m not personally offended by it - but I cannot speak for all Irish people so will park my bemusement.

However, still a thread derail… and OP still needs to expunge negative twats like her friend from her life.

Maybe he's tired of being the person who's always trying to help you deal with your stress. Perhaps he was having a bad day.

Not offensive when used as definition 1 in the dictionary, surely.

It might be worth you reading the thread.

If you hope to reeducate people you might want to think about the tone of your message as you deliver it.

No. I'm quite ok with how I delivered that one.

This term combines two nouns that are now obsolete, spick , “a nail” or “spike,” and span , “a wooden chip.” In the 1500s a sailing ship was considered spick and span when every spike and chip was brand-new. The transfer to the current sense took place in the mid-1800s.

Isn't it wild how the English will even try to dictate how you respond to their racism?

Seriously. Instead of getting defensive and clapping back it would be a good idea to consider your tone as otherwise your message ‘wont have the desired effect.

I assume you are hoping to change someone’s ongoing behaviour as opposed to trying to appear rude and divisive on a message board. The former seems a good use of time and the latter cab make people more entrenched in their views.

I just started reading OP's post and yep, throwing a paddy did raise an eyebrow; just hadn't seen it in a while

Doesn't offend me in the slightest though.

Funny seeing how the thread was immediately derailed by this.

It got derailed because of the way the first scolding was delivered.

I know.

'Nook and cranny' is a good one too.

Paddy is probably thee common Irish nickname short for Padraig which is the countries patron saint.

Words aren't offensive unless used to be offensive. One of the most common names derive of the countries own language is not 'offensive', only the context of being racist could make it have racist connotations.

Who said I'm being defensive or clapping myself on the back? I'm not being tone policed through my phone by a random stranger on an internet forum for calling out an offensive phrase.

You're putting the blame on those taking exception to an offensive term with racist undertones, rather than on those insisting it's totally fine, no matter how many times it's explained? Really?

@Wheredoistartimexhausted was fine. The ones not taking the point on board less so.

I'm so glad you agree that using paddy to mean tantrum is offensive.

It is offensive in the context used, though I'm sure OP didn't realise that.
Think of how the phrase originated.

Here's another dictionary definition.

noun
INFORMAL•BRITISH
noun: paddy; plural noun: paddies
a fit of temper.
"John drove off in a paddy"

fit of rage/anger/temper

Origin

late 19th century: from Paddy ‘Irishman’ (stereotyped as being prone to brawling).

Clapped back not clapping yourself on the back. ‘Clapped back’ is describing a very quickly delivered retort without much thought behind. Imagine someone shouting ‘I don’t care’ over their shoulder just before they slam the door.

What you've got there is two different words that sound the same.
How do you feel about 'spick and span'?

This is a completely different situation because the work Spick here is not derived from or about any particular ethnicity, whereas "throwing a Paddy" is derived from stereotypes about Irish people. Your example it is about two words that coincidentally sound the same, but that is emphatically NOT the case for Paddy.

No. That’s your take on what I said. I think people are much more open to receiving reeducation on long established phrases when delivered with honey not vinegar.