Male friend upset me for ridiculous reason

[pussinboots61]

This is very over the top but I'm very upset. A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety, has kicked off (edited by MNHQ) over something so trivial it's unreal. But because I am an anxious person and live on my nerves it's pushing me to the limit.

It's all over a handbag, yes really. The strap had gone on my handbag and the part where it connects was fraying. I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down. When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong.

He's usually such a warm caring person, everyone who knows him says the same. I dont know how to handle this at all. Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety. Should I just leave him to come round or tell him where to stick it but I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's not usually like this.

What??

Hello everyone, just to say we have edited the opening post and have been in touch with the OP also. If there's anything else you'd like us to look at - please hit the report button.

Also Irish - have lived Dublin, Cork, Tipp, Kilkenny, Cavan. I’m 50 and I’ve never heard the expression “ throwing a paddy” in Ireland . Now live in London and have heard it a few times - yes - it’s offensive..

It can be very testing to have to accommodate another person's anxiety all the time, perhaps he just felt a bit snappish? You need to forgive him for this if you want to keep a friend.

https://amp.theguardian.com/music/2020/nov/19/fairytale-of-new-york-pogues-censored-radio-1-radio-2

Well what a vast response to my post. Thank you for your all your replies.

First of all I apologise if I offended anyone with the term I used. I honestly didn't mean to offend anyone and it was merely used as a term for someone having a tantrum. I am from Yorkshire and terms such as 'being mardy' and 'having the face on' are also used.

As for my friend, I can assure you that there are no sexual intensions on either side so that is out of the question. A man and a woman can be friends without sex being involved, though some people don't think they can.

I am going to take the point (and work on it) regarding the advice that maybe I am leaning on him too much, not taking heed of all of his advice and maybe he is starting to feel drained by all this. However, I am also aware that friends are there to give support when needed and he has always told me to go to him with any anxieties that I have. He doesn't suffer from anxiety but if he did I would be supportive of him too.

It's no fun suffering with anxiety and depression and often feeling on the edge of cracking up, and that's not an exaggeration or looking for sympathy. A comment like my friend made last night over Messenger can throw someone over the edge. Yes it was a petty subject but at the time I was sat in my flat on my own, feeling vulnerable and a comment like that just made me feel worse, which is why I went for a walk, something I don't do in the evenings and I am generally not a 'walker' apart from walking in my day to day life, but I felt I needed to get outside and find some peace of mind. I am having counselling by the way.

The handbag issue was initiated by him. I had got it sorted and let him know and to me it was the end of the matter - job well done. It was he who went on about it and turned it into a problem. When my bag broke I wasn't anxious about it, I just merely mentioned that I might need a new bag, he suggested getting it repaired so I did, end of story or so I thought.

There have been occasions in the past where he has taken umbridge when I haven't taken his advice over something practical like this.

I won't be falling out with him and it will blow over but I can't help how this has affected me.

How often are you using him as your emotional sounding board for your anxiety? How do you support him in exchange?

Perhaps he's a bit tired of hearing all about things that, to him at least, sound like non-problems.

Thing is OP, when you have a relationship dynamic of supporter and supportee, rather than a more reciprocal one where both take turns, to be sustainable the supporter is usually getting something from it. In some cases what they get is the 'right' to have their advice taken, to tell you what to do and to tell you off. Sounds like your friend is one if these types if he gets annoyed if you don't follow his advice and takes the opportunity to hammer home how 'wrong' you would be without him. If you wish to continue to lean on a person like that, you have to accept this is the price. Alternatively you could try to equalise the dynamic by asking for less support from him.

@pussinboots61

Thank you for the update, OP.

Seriously 😆 My Dad is Irish his name is Paddy. It's not being called paddy that's the offensive bit

Hmm, he’s not your one man support op. What support do you give him?. I understand you have mental illnesses but friendship is a two way street. Not one person using the other as a support system.

your comment of friends are there to give support when needed is very concerning. That’s not what friends are there for, it’s wat more complex and you need to think of them too;

@SkaneTos When someone reacts like a child, has a tantrum, is unnecessarily stroppy we say they’ve thrown their dummy out of the pram. So he was saying he’d done that hence going to look for his dummy

@Lurkingandlearning
Thank you for explaining!

Agree- the comment that you're saying could 'tip someone over the edge' was it really just Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess. ? So he expressed his unhappiness that all he does with you listen to your stress and the response is how upset you are that he doesn't want to listen to your woe?

Hey @pussinboots61 well done, that’s a measured response so it sounds like you’re thinking things through and don’t intend to react negatively to him which is wise I think.

Even though he doesn’t suffer with anxiety and depression and has told you he is happy to be supportive, he will still, as a person, have limits and his own needs. No one can be a sounding board and a support 100% of the time. I’m sure intellectually you know this but maybe have fallen into a habit of leaning on him? Do you have any therapy/counselling? (Sorry if you’ve already answered that upthread).

Huh?

I don't listen to radio 1, and haven't for years.

I was replying to the person who said it was ok to use the offensive word in question in another context - by making a comparison using another offensive word in context.

It’s more easily understood if you read my post as part of the post to which I replied.

Lol second post in and surprise surprise 🤨 nothing to do with the post just someone scanning for something offensive haha fuck sake get a life

I think you need a proper discussion with him about how he feels.

You seem a bit too comfortable with the idea that no-one must upset you, and that you require a lot of support from him.

He was the one overly agitated, which he acknowledged. But instead of asking yourself why, you're dwelling on how he shouldn't have said it and its impact on you.

Depression and anxiety are hard, but you have to find coping mechanisms and not overly rely on any one person.

Are you American? We don't use the term "sp*c" in the UK by and large. So "spick and span" is fine.
And, yes, "Pa**y" is offensive when it's used to refer to a tantrum because it's the same Irish stereotype, ffs. Do you know the history - some very recent - of the British and Irish?

Actually not true. I once used a very offensive word to an Irishman and had no idea what I was saying. I called him a "Ta*g", thinking it was fine. He couldn't believe I had said it and set me right.

Except it wouldn't work because the Irish didn't and couldn't do to the British what the British have done to the Irish. So false equivalence, but good try George!

Maybe we should use "Pulling a George" for someone who takes all the toasties at Christmas dinner.

(sorry Pocket I tagged you in error and now it won't clear)@Pocketfullofdogtreats