Male friend upset me for ridiculous reason

[pussinboots61]

This is very over the top but I'm very upset. A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety, has kicked off (edited by MNHQ) over something so trivial it's unreal. But because I am an anxious person and live on my nerves it's pushing me to the limit.

It's all over a handbag, yes really. The strap had gone on my handbag and the part where it connects was fraying. I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down. When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong.

He's usually such a warm caring person, everyone who knows him says the same. I dont know how to handle this at all. Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety. Should I just leave him to come round or tell him where to stick it but I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's not usually like this.

100% this.

Thanks I've been thinking it would be best to step back. Sometimes the sounding board friendship creeps up on you without you realising it is happening. After a while it becomes a habit and you realise meet ups go by and you haven't really got a word in edgeways / the whole friendship is one sided. Then you feel guilty that someone has relied on you and you are pulling the plug on their support by moving away from the friendship. Either that or tell them that it has become one sided and you don't feel your needs are being met, both options feel awkward. I think I need to send a message saying I'm going to take some time out to focus on me for a while and hopefully that will then be understood.

No, both uses of paddy are offensive.

As a tantrum, or as a generic term for an Irish person.

Obviously it's still used as a name, short for Patrick or Padraig. Absolutely fine then if you're talking about a specific person called Paddy.

Literally nobody in Ireland describes someone who is angry as "having a Paddy".

This. ^ The whole thread has got derailed now, and will not make a recovery, because of a whole bunch of posters refusing to let it go that the OP used a certain word. AND the fact so many posters are trying to claim that THEY are the ones who are correct in what they say. Utterly tedious. 🙄

The fact is, whether 'that word' is offensive or not, is subjective. My Irish DH, and his relatives don't give a shiny shite if anyone uses it or not. AND you can bet that the majority of posters on here banging on about it are not Irish.

This thread has gone to shit sadly. As I said @pussinboots61 Copy your original post and start a new thread excluding that word (so people can't pick on you about it,) and ask Mumsnet to delete this thread. (Report your first post, and in the message field, just ask them to delete the thread and tell them why you want it gone.)

I'm done on here. As I said, the thread has gone to shit.

.

Unless they're English (because the phrase originates from the English experience of the "angry little Irish paddy") living in Ireland and haven't enough cop on to realise the pejorative connotations associated with the phrase.

Absolutely this.

Ignore question answered further up thread That’s what I was thinking - literally just states it’s one word with two meanings. Do Irish people find it offensive when used in the first context? (Genuine question)

@SweetBirdsong

You're right this thread hasn't been much use to OP.

On the upside, maybe some people will have learned not to use an offensive term that they weren't aware of before?

I am Irish btw and do find it offensive, though I'm sure OP didn't intend it as such.

Throwing a paddy?
YES.
Totally offensive.

I can relate to everything you've said here. It does creep up on you. I ended friendships. It wasn't easy, but it was what I needed to do. Focus on family and friends who don't only take. Good luck.

Just saw people say yes and people say no further back thread.
i guess it hasn’t got round yet as clearly many people here had never heard of it being offensive

I might start calling it 'throwing a george' perhaps?😉

Because a name sterotyically associated with English people should be linked to an inability to behave properly, rages, tantrums etc.

Does that help explain the problem with the term?

This does raise a serious point, though tangential to the OP.

I recently met a man called Josh, a local tradesman - mid-thirties, Estuary accent, born in London. And his business stationery refers to him as Josh.

When I called him Josh, he said, "Only my mum calls me Josh. Everyone else calls me Paddy."

And I said, "Why?"

And he said, "Because I'm Irish."

I said, "To be honest, I prefer Josh."

"Really - absolutely everyone calls me Paddy. And I like it."

Which gives me a bit of a quandary. Because in that context, it does smack of racism. But he's really insistent that he doesn't want me to call him Josh.

Maybe I should make this another thread. I'm genuinely perplexed.

I think in that case it's up to him @PointsSouth .

I would never have associated "throwing a paddy" with Irish people. But I wouldn't use it anyway - I'd say having a strop, or a tantrum. I'd associate it with Coronation Street! Wrongly, I realise now. But every day's a learning day and I'm grateful to be educated on this. I deffo won't use it!

How on earth have you made this the support humans fault?!
Although there's a few on the thread who agree with you that if someone states they have 'anxiety' then the world must revolve around their needs and wants.

Even good people have bad days and are allowed to get frustrated. If things are ok now, just let it go..

I wasn't virtue signalling. I don't use it because it's not in general use where I live.
I'm an editor and have to keep up with current views on things like this. I am grateful to learn. So less of your assumptions, thanks.

Absolutely spot on.

'Fewer' of your assumptions.

(Fellow editor.)

The fact is, whether 'that word' is offensive or not, is subjective. My Irish DH, and his relatives don't give a shiny shite if anyone uses it or not. AND you can bet that the majority of posters on here banging on about it are not Irish.

@SweetBirdsong
I find it unlikely that this is a subject you've discussed with many of your Irish DH's relatives??

Erm, because he could simply have suggested she explored getting her bag fixed rather than replacing it and then left it there - his continued snarking and texting and belittling of OP over it means that, even if she did not suffer from anxiety, it was be nasty behaviour. That he KNOWS she is anxious and has persisted in this corrosive behaviour is what makes an issue. He has created this anxiety/stress vortex. It is downright cruel.

… and how disgusting is it to call a supposed friend a ‘support human’?