Male friend upset me for ridiculous reason

[pussinboots61]

This is very over the top but I'm very upset. A close male friend of mine, who I confide in over my anxiety, has kicked off (edited by MNHQ) over something so trivial it's unreal. But because I am an anxious person and live on my nerves it's pushing me to the limit.

It's all over a handbag, yes really. The strap had gone on my handbag and the part where it connects was fraying. I was going to buy a new bag but he said I could get it repaired so today I took it to the cobblers and got it mended.

I saw my friend earlier and all was fine. Later I messaged him to tell him my bag is sorted and he replied to say its only cost me £16 to get it mended and I was going to get a new bag. Just conversation, I thought nothing of it and said at least it's sorted now.

But then he went on about it, asked me why was I going to buy a new bag in the first place without thinking of getting it mended myself. I told him it's no longer an issue. Then he told me all I do is listen ro my stress and I'm wasting his time and not to go to him when I'm in a mess.

I couldn't believe it. I got upset and told him so and said I was going for a walk to calm down. When I got home he'd sent me a message telling me to be careful and that he'd go and look for his dummy, more or less admitting that he was in the wrong.

He's usually such a warm caring person, everyone who knows him says the same. I dont know how to handle this at all. Such a normal day and then he kicks off about a handbag and blames my anxiety. Should I just leave him to come round or tell him where to stick it but I don't want to lose him as a friend as he's not usually like this.

Irish in Ireland & plenty folk I know say it. Don't think we're that sensitive over it, it has become common parlance.

OP, think back to check if you've spent anywhere near equal time talking to your friend about his troubles & what's going on in his life. Anxiety sucks but you need to make sure you're contributing to sustaining this friendship & not just sucking energy from him. Or maybe he just had a bad day. I'd forget it and move on

2 posts into the thread, just 2! And someone is already attacking the OP for her terminology. FFS this place sometimes!

No advice or sympathy whatsoever for the OP's dilemma! No no no..... Far too busy trying to be the first to berate her for using the 'wrong' terminology. And of course, lots of people jumped in and carried on the pile-on! 🙄

@pussinboots61 I am really sorry your friend is being such a dick. This is a non-issue and his behaviour is pathetic and toddler-like. Tell him to grow the fuck up.

I am also sorry that your thread has been derailed, by people in such a rush to scold you for that word you used, that they couldn't be bothered to give you any advice. I'd ask MN to delete your thread and then post it again later today - minus THAT word.

It's a racist term @SweetBirdsong , it's deleted when reported. Nothing wrong with pointing that out, or arguing the point when others disagree.

If you’ve met these types you recognise it instantly. People just don’t put up with being someone’s constant emotional outlet without getting something out of it. If this was a female friend even she would be getting tired of the one-sided nature of the friendship and setting some boundaries. I don’t see why he came back to apologise like it was completely his fault. He may have snapped but good heavens, he’s not her paid therapist.

I bet it's this. I've ended friendships because of it. Maybe he's over it.

@SweetBirdsong he's not her partner

Good advice all round.

In fairness to the OP, they probably didn't intend to stir up a hornets nest by using the expression and will hopefully stop saying it now she knows.

Oh for goodness sake she was obviously not talking about someone Irish, how ridiculous!

He's getting compassion fatigue. He thinks you have what they call 'learned helplessness' and you should try to be more resilient and more self reliant. He doesn't have the time or the energy to listen to, or solve every little issue in your life. He's his own person, not your personal 24/7 therapist, brow soother and sounding board

Nailed it.

Exactly this. And the pile on that ensued after someone attacked her for it TWO POSTS IN (without even being bothered with any advice or sympathy!) is peak Mumsnet! You couldn't make it up! 🙄

So why is he supporting her to the point of snapping? What’s he getting out of this one-sided friendship, and why is he apologising as if it’s all his fault that OP uses him as professional therapist?

Not sure what your point about a narcissist is. Didn’t read this at all.

This could be very true. But then he really needs firmer boundaries with OP if this is the case. He’s not a professional therapist and shouldn’t be used as one to the point of snapping.
This friendship sounds very one-sided regardless.

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This thread is just the gift that keeps on giving.

Sorry @pussinboots61 you lost many of us at “Paddy”. Hope you’re feeling better now. Many bags these days aren’t even worth repairing unless it’s leather. Your friend was mean, perhaps having a bad day. Maybe share your anxiety less with him.

As an Irish person, I hadn’t heard this “throwing a Paddy” before Mumsnet, but it’s clearly offensive in origin, whatever it has come to mean in the UK! If it was referring to people of a different race or skin colour, you can be sure people would be denouncing it as racist, so what is the difference?!
A friend of mine one evening said to me “I don’t feel like cooking, I might order a chinky”. I gasped and said “You can’t say that!” She said she had always called it that and it wasn’t referring to Chinese people, just a takeaway… is that ok with all the people who think it’s fine to say “throwing a paddy” since there was no Irish person involved?

So it’s ok to use the N word to describe a colour?

He's being a dick for not constantly being an emotional support human with no function than to listen to op and reassure her?

It's very draining being the sounding board friend. I have become this with a couple of friendships where the people have fallen into chaotic living situations. I have been feeling lately that I should be drawing back from being the giver all of the time. It is hard work! My husband is also saying these friendships are draining me and that these people wouldn't give me what they take from me iyswim eg if I was living their life they wouldn't be showing up for me in the same way.
I think your friend would prefer a more balanced give and take type relationship. He is strongly hinting this imo.

This simply isn't true.

Obviously the Irish people in Ireland that you personally know don't, but we clearly don't know the same people.

He was probably just having a bad day. And might be fed up of folk running to him with their trivial problems. I would just forget about it.

Whereabouts in Ireland are you? I'd never heard it before MN, I'd be surprised if it's used in Ireland but open to correction on that.

Step back for your own sake. In my experience your husband is right.

I’m not sure I can take your post at face value to be honest. There is definitely a lot more to it than you’re suggesting, I think.

Reading between the lines, I’m guessing that the conversation you started about your bag in the first place was not “What are you up to today? I’m just nipping into town to get a new bag - the strap’s gone on my favourite one.”

I’m guessing it was more like “My bag strap has frayed and I’m going to have to a get a new one and I’m so anxious about it because a new bag will be so expensive and what if I can’t get one I like as much as I like as the old one, I really like the old one, it’s my comfort bag, my anxiety makes choosing new things really hard and making decisions is a nightmare, I really panic when I have to spend a lot of money on something that might not be perfect, I’m really dreading having to go into a shop worrying that everyone will judge me for what I choose, my life is so hard, what if I have to spend £££s on a bag and then tomorrow there’s an emergency with the house and I won’t have enough money to pay for it, what am I going to do” etc.

Your friend then says “OK, calm down. You can just get your bag repaired if you’re worried about buying a new one - go in that cobbler on the high street and they’ll give you a quote, it’ll only be a fraction of the cost of a new one.”

You then tell him you got the bag repaired for £16 and all’s well, and he replies along the lines of “Exactly, so all that stress was totally unnecessary. You could avoid a lot of your stress if you took a breath and just tried to think things through instead of panicking - if I hadn’t suggested the cobbler you’d have spent a fortune and been stressing yourself to death over it, but you could have thought of the cobbler yourself if you hadn’t been in a massive panic, you need to try and solve problems instead of working yourself up about them and constantly asking me to talk you down from your anxiety all the time.”

Essentially, my guess is that you lean on your friend getting anxious over small things all the time and he’s now getting fed up with having to counsel you through things all the time and thinks that perhaps a lot of your anxiety is made worse by your own choices.

‘Having a paddy’ is not offensive, referencing an Irish person pejoratively using this word as a noun is - which OP did not do.

Masterclass in how to derail a thread through lack of reading comprehension!

OP, this is not a friend. In fact friends like this feed your anxiety spiral. He’s created anxiety and then blamed you… I believe this is gaslighting. I’d block him and make new friends. There are some great websites/apps that connect women looking for people to chat/walk dogs/meet for coffee - you don’t need this man in your life.