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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to avoid DP who’s been ill in hospital

192 replies

Horachied · 10/08/2024 19:08

Fully aware here that I may be flamed, and I can understand why but I’m trying to understand whether I’m being reasonable, or being a bit harsh.

DP and I have been together a year and a half. We don’t live together. Last week, I visited my family in my home town and came to stay for the week. I have a new family member that’s been born and I was excited to come back here for a few days to get to know the new baby. I see my family once every 3 months normally, and miss them a lot so really value the time I have with them.

whilst I’ve been in my home town, DP contracted a bacterial infection. This then worsened and he ended up having to spend 2 nights in hospital due to complications from it. I have been in home town throughout this, but spoken with him a lot on the phone and his mum has been by his side the whole time.

im now returning to where I live tomorrow, and DP has asked that I come stay with him for the week to ‘look after him’.

now I’m probably being awful, but I’m really reluctant to. Google tells me that his infection is highly contagious, and I’m meant to be going ok holiday in 10 days. If I catch this infection, I would likely have to cancel my holiday which I really don’t want to do.

He also does tend to have man flu, and is very dramatic whenever he gets any illness. He told me that he likes to be ‘babied’ when he gets ill, which I simply refuse to do because he’s a grown man. So part of me also feels like he doesn’t need to be taken care of and should get on with it for a few days by himself.

AIBU and really horrible?

OP posts:
HipHipWhoRay · 10/08/2024 21:58

On a slight tangent- I think it’s hard to know what’s normal if you haven’t had a good relationship modelled in your own childhood or between parents. As a rule of thumb, I’d agree that you show concern but only low level nursing and sounds like you’re pitching it fine. So pop in for a couple of hours, offer to make a couple of cups of tea, maybe heat up some soup. You could offer to pop to chemist for XYZ but otherwise leave him be. Definitely no household chores, washing etc. He should rally quite quickly on antibiotics. Encourage him to be up and about quickly to aid his own recovery, reduce blood clot risk, and definitely avoid seeing him in the dressing gown of doom!

Helpisneeded100 · 10/08/2024 21:59

pinksunglasses · 10/08/2024 20:13

But in this hypothetical situation, if a woman posted on here that she’d just come out of hospital and was getting no help or support with kids she’d be told that her husband was useless. Fine, if it’s a cold we all have to struggle on, but he’s properly ill!

Show quote history

Hi @pinksunglasses bit they don’t have kids together? They are dating and don’t live together. I wouldn’t expect anyone to come and look after me if it meant they could be infected with a bacterial infection which could lead them to end up in hospital. I am also guessing he is well enough to look after himself otherwise the hospital would have not discharged him?

BruFord · 10/08/2024 22:02

NeedSomeAnswersPlease · 10/08/2024 21:55

@BruFord personally I'd not sit there and go "oh but my holiday", I wouldn't dream of going away while my parent is ill

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease I see your point. My DH and I travel separately fairly regularly so I suppose for us, it would depend how ill the other one was.

JohnTheRevelator · 10/08/2024 22:04

Urgh how unattractive. A man who wants to be 'babied' when he's ill. This would put me right off.

Original poster
Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:06

HipHipWhoRay · 10/08/2024 21:58

On a slight tangent- I think it’s hard to know what’s normal if you haven’t had a good relationship modelled in your own childhood or between parents. As a rule of thumb, I’d agree that you show concern but only low level nursing and sounds like you’re pitching it fine. So pop in for a couple of hours, offer to make a couple of cups of tea, maybe heat up some soup. You could offer to pop to chemist for XYZ but otherwise leave him be. Definitely no household chores, washing etc. He should rally quite quickly on antibiotics. Encourage him to be up and about quickly to aid his own recovery, reduce blood clot risk, and definitely avoid seeing him in the dressing gown of doom!

hopefully this will be striking the right balance!

he’s also just told me that when he was in hospital, he asked the hospital chaplain to pray for his recovery. He’s not even religious.

OP posts:
LizzieBennett73 · 10/08/2024 22:09

If he's got a bacterial infection like C Diff you really don't want to catch it, it's horribly contagious and can end up shutting down hospital wards. Not worth risking even for a few hours if you've got plans.

turkeymuffin · 10/08/2024 22:11

Horachied · 10/08/2024 19:15

His mum has done a big shop for him, and he’s got a grocery app that will deliver anything to him within an hour. I’ve also ordered a big gift basket of food that will be delivered to him tomorrow.

This is plenty. You're not his mum. Let's literal mum "baby" him and you enjoy your holiday.

How he deals with this will tell you a LOT about your potential future with him. Then you can decide if you want it.

Beeboopaboo · 10/08/2024 22:13

Would he do this for you if the situation were reversed, and would you want him to?

Why isn't he concerned about how this might impact you, with the risk of infection?

My partner would never want to put me at risk, particularly with a holiday coming up.

NameChangeAndLifeChange · 10/08/2024 22:17

Tell him you won't be stopping as it IS highly contagious.

Regardless of your holiday, why would you want to put yourself in a situation where you'd make yourself ill?

Woww2 · 10/08/2024 22:20

I’m sorry if he is a drama queen like you are suggesting - and you are very much buck up and get on with it - I think you need to seriously consider how this relationship is going to work in the future.

Chonk · 10/08/2024 22:21

Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:06

hopefully this will be striking the right balance!

he’s also just told me that when he was in hospital, he asked the hospital chaplain to pray for his recovery. He’s not even religious.

Show quote history

🤣🤣

TheBossOfMe · 10/08/2024 22:24

Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:06

hopefully this will be striking the right balance!

he’s also just told me that when he was in hospital, he asked the hospital chaplain to pray for his recovery. He’s not even religious.

Show quote history

😂😂😂

Run for the hills.

Who takes two days off work for a cold? You’d get fired very quickly at my work for that.

At best he’s a total baby. At worst he’ll end up being a total financial and emotional drag on you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/08/2024 22:29

Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:06

hopefully this will be striking the right balance!

he’s also just told me that when he was in hospital, he asked the hospital chaplain to pray for his recovery. He’s not even religious.

Show quote history

What an absolute drama llama weapons grade knobhead. I could never look at him again, much less visit him.

Tell him to marry his mother.

ETA.... he is religious, he thinks he is a god. His mother worshipped him and he now expects you to do the same. Seriously, get rid.

Bettedaviseyes111 · 10/08/2024 22:30

I’m kind of surprised by some of the responses on here.

If you had been ill in hospital wouldn’t you want the person who is supposed to be your partner around to be with you and show some affection? I would absolutely want to do that for my partner.

He’s been in hospital, feels rough and was probably a bit scared. So yes YABU.

I’m single and had a bit of a weird time last year with a cancer scare and lots of diagnostics and procedures that meant intrusive poking and prodding which left me feeling pretty poorly and down. It would’ve been great to have someone there to show some affection and care.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/08/2024 22:33

YANBU because if he's infectious it will mess up your holiday.

BUT once again I notice Mumsnet being inconsistent - if a woman posted a thread saying her partner failed to rush to her side in this circumstance, she would 100% be told to dump him.

(I still think you should stay clear).

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/08/2024 22:34

Bettedaviseyes111 · 10/08/2024 22:30

I’m kind of surprised by some of the responses on here.

If you had been ill in hospital wouldn’t you want the person who is supposed to be your partner around to be with you and show some affection? I would absolutely want to do that for my partner.

He’s been in hospital, feels rough and was probably a bit scared. So yes YABU.

I’m single and had a bit of a weird time last year with a cancer scare and lots of diagnostics and procedures that meant intrusive poking and prodding which left me feeling pretty poorly and down. It would’ve been great to have someone there to show some affection and care.

I have had a cancer scare, and I agree that having someone there to love and support you makes a big difference. Its genuinely frightening.

Having a nasty infection that lands you in hospital, also had that. I didnt expect anyone to "be by [my] bedside" or that the "baby" me, or ask the hospital chaplain to pray for me, but then go out for a nice walk.

Americano75 · 10/08/2024 22:35

Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:06

hopefully this will be striking the right balance!

he’s also just told me that when he was in hospital, he asked the hospital chaplain to pray for his recovery. He’s not even religious.

Show quote history

I think I've just died of cringe.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/08/2024 22:37

At best he’s a total baby. At worst he’ll end up being a total financial and emotional drag on you.

I mean there is or was a thread ongoing where a man failed to hand his wife a glass of water when she coughed, and everyone was advising her to leave and take all his assets. I personally thought she sounded like a nightmare but the inconsistency of responses is striking.

PyongyangKipperbang · 10/08/2024 22:38

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/08/2024 22:33

YANBU because if he's infectious it will mess up your holiday.

BUT once again I notice Mumsnet being inconsistent - if a woman posted a thread saying her partner failed to rush to her side in this circumstance, she would 100% be told to dump him.

(I still think you should stay clear).

I wouldnt. An infection that is treated, a boyfriend that she doesnt live with, an expectation that he looks after her even though she can go out for walks and doesnt actually need any physical support and him potentially catching it and missing a holiday? No, I would say the same with the added warning that if she keeps that shit up, he will probably get sick of her ways and dump her for someone less pathetic and needy.

He sounds like the male verion of the Princess.

SD1978 · 10/08/2024 22:44

I do t actually see what's wrong with wanting to have your partner with you when you've been unwell, hospitalised, and are now home. I would have thought it was fairly normal to look after your partner (to an extent) when they are unwell, whether you are male or female. I would go round and see him, but not stay- and not use the toilet, I wouldn't be saying get fucked I have a holiday in ten days, see ya. It's a bit fecking harsh saying he wants 'babied' and it's an 'ick' wanting support from your partner post hospitalisation.

lovemetomybones · 10/08/2024 22:47

I just did a quick google search on it and it seems horrendous! This could end up being a life long condition and an autoimmune disease. I doubt this has been the first time he has had it.

I absolutely agree that you shouldn't be the one to look after him as you are going away, but if what I've just read on the NHS website is what he has, then cut him some slack, this isn't an easy or pleasant disease

TheBossOfMe · 10/08/2024 22:47

TheYearOfSmallThings · 10/08/2024 22:37

At best he’s a total baby. At worst he’ll end up being a total financial and emotional drag on you.

I mean there is or was a thread ongoing where a man failed to hand his wife a glass of water when she coughed, and everyone was advising her to leave and take all his assets. I personally thought she sounded like a nightmare but the inconsistency of responses is striking.

There’s a massive difference between being a wife and a girlfriend who doesn’t live with her partner.

And between wanting a glass of water and asking a chaplain to pray for you for an easily treatable condition 😂

Original poster
Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:48

lovemetomybones · 10/08/2024 22:47

I just did a quick google search on it and it seems horrendous! This could end up being a life long condition and an autoimmune disease. I doubt this has been the first time he has had it.

I absolutely agree that you shouldn't be the one to look after him as you are going away, but if what I've just read on the NHS website is what he has, then cut him some slack, this isn't an easy or pleasant disease

It’s not ulcerative colitis. That is much more severe, it is infectious colitis which is usually a one off issue. Typically it resolves itself in 48 hours but he was unlucky in that it caused complications for him

OP posts:
TheBossOfMe · 10/08/2024 22:51

Horachied · 10/08/2024 22:48

It’s not ulcerative colitis. That is much more severe, it is infectious colitis which is usually a one off issue. Typically it resolves itself in 48 hours but he was unlucky in that it caused complications for him

Show quote history

Exactly that.

He seems to be looking for a nurse rather than a partner.

EdithBond · 10/08/2024 22:53

YANBU

Sounds like you might take the risk after a few more days if it weren’t for your holiday. Rotten timing. But perfectly reasonable to avoid catching an infection ahead of that, especially if his mum’s on hand - and maybe others. It’s not like he has no one else to support him.

And as long as, if the tables were turned, you wouldn’t mind if he did that.

The ‘babied’ preference isn’t attractive in a man or woman.