AIBU to avoid DP who’s been ill in hospital

[Horachied]

Fully aware here that I may be flamed, and I can understand why but I’m trying to understand whether I’m being reasonable, or being a bit harsh.

DP and I have been together a year and a half. We don’t live together. Last week, I visited my family in my home town and came to stay for the week. I have a new family member that’s been born and I was excited to come back here for a few days to get to know the new baby. I see my family once every 3 months normally, and miss them a lot so really value the time I have with them.

whilst I’ve been in my home town, DP contracted a bacterial infection. This then worsened and he ended up having to spend 2 nights in hospital due to complications from it. I have been in home town throughout this, but spoken with him a lot on the phone and his mum has been by his side the whole time.

im now returning to where I live tomorrow, and DP has asked that I come stay with him for the week to ‘look after him’.

now I’m probably being awful, but I’m really reluctant to. Google tells me that his infection is highly contagious, and I’m meant to be going ok holiday in 10 days. If I catch this infection, I would likely have to cancel my holiday which I really don’t want to do.

He also does tend to have man flu, and is very dramatic whenever he gets any illness. He told me that he likes to be ‘babied’ when he gets ill, which I simply refuse to do because he’s a grown man. So part of me also feels like he doesn’t need to be taken care of and should get on with it for a few days by himself.

AIBU and really horrible?

Just no, it doesn’t matter what the infection is.

He’s been discharged from hospital, you don’t live together, why would you move in for a week just to fetch him water, tea and cook meals for the week? Nah. What a baby! He can use bottles/jugs of water and have ready meals/soups/snack bars.
He has access to all the delivery services as you have already said, as long as people are checking in to make sure he’s not getting worse there is no need for a full time nurse!

I’d not be impressed if a partner I didn’t leave with suggested I move in just to look after them with an infection when they were on the mend!

If he had broken both wrists or had a serious non weight bearing fracture and genuinely would struggle with basic dressing and daily tasks then I’d be inclined to offer assistance!

I think it's awful of him to even ask you given the infection risk and especially since you are going on holiday soon. Make your excuses and don't get involved. A grown man doesn't need looked after.

@Horachied it's not a deal breaker now but it will be one over time. As you get older, with more responsibilities, illnesses, maybe kids, a man who wants to be babied and exaggerates his "man flu" becomes an enormous burden. And man babies don't tend to reciprocate either, so you can bet you wouldn't get that royal treatment back from him.

Mmm I would be interested in the nurse who has posted opinion on if he is infectious. My dr google is saying only infectious through food and water.
I’m not sure you are compatible. He’s been in hospital not exactly man flu.

I’m concerned because it also says through coming into contact with contaminated items, e.g. clothes, toothbrushes etc. if I’m sleeping in his bed, using his toilet, I assume I’m at risk of coming across surfaces that have been contaminated.

Op what is Bacterial colitis I did try and check this on the nhs as u said but there's no page I could find. Is it the same as e coli? There's other relayed pages but I wasn't sure.

I do worry about how he’s react if we had kids together and he constantly took to bed every time he had a minor cold and left me to it.

He really has been babied by his mum though so he thinks that I’m being very harsh and cold when I don’t treat him the same way.

You can only catch bacterial colitis through having the same food and drink etc. he can’t spread it to you by sharing the same bed etc. I say that as someone who has ulcerative colitis and having had bacterial colitis multiple times. It’s an infection in his intestines. But yes if you don’t want to help him recover then don’t . Leave him to recover and heal in peace.

Grown man wanting to be babied? Ugh.

it's funny when Sheldon does it. But in real life, FFS no.

I'm lucky enough to never have had man-flu.

As others have said, do you want to have a long term relationship with someone who isn't a man when he's a bit poorly?

Stay well away, and enjoy your holiday.

@Deebee90 So you can’t catch it through contact with bodily fluids? You can use the same toilet without cleaning it first and be ok, for example?

It says here that it can also be caught through contact with contaminated surfaces www.verywellhealth.com/infectious-colitis-5197876#:~:text=Most%20forms%20of%20infectious%20colitis,and%20matter%2C%20like%20a%20toothbrush.

I mean, you don’t have to look after him but it’s hardly the stuff of great love is it? 🙄 If I’d just come out of hospital and my ‘partner’ was more fussed about his holiday, I’d probably at least ask myself if that’s the level of love and passion I wanted to commit myself to!

Being looked after when you’ve been in hospital is surely one of the things you’d like to think a partner would do? When DH and I were first together, he looked after me when I had the flu even though he knew he’d catch it himself. When he’d been at hospital with a broken arm, I dropped everything to go and be with him.

You’re not unreasonable to do what you want but he’s also not unreasonable to want a bit more.

For the record, hospitals don’t have the capacity for indulging ‘man flu’ at the moment, so he probably is quite poorly if he was admitted.

@Horachied Yes, that’s what Dr. Google told me as well. Personally, I wouldn’t risk it.

Tbh I ask all this as I don’t have a good bearing as to what a a good, ‘normal’ relationship looks like when it comes to being loving.

I had a very abusive childhood and was rarely shown parental love, even after having serious surgery. I was just left to get on with it myself without getting any sympathy.

I recognise that this is extreme and unhealthy, but I don’t quite know what level of love and care is now typicallly expected of a partner at this stage of a relationship

Please think seriously about this if you do want to have kids in the future, he will grind you down and you'll end up resenting him.

Search "dressing gown of doom" on here and read about all the pathetic man babies who take to their beds at the slightest hint of a sniffle, abdicate all childcare/rearing responsibilities to the woman and drain their energy and goodwill.

YANBU if he is highly contagious and could pass whatever he has on to you. If not contagious then you still don’t need to go and stay with him for a week to “look after” him. It would be unreasonable not to visit him though and check how he’s doing/bring him some things he needs.

But are you ever intending to live together? I genuinely couldn't live with someone like that.

Hope you dont get it op he will have to avoid you.

Omg
My vagina has snapped shut at that
🤢
Yuck yuck yuck
Dump and run, mate

No - it would be crap for you to miss your holiday. There is a risk of you catching it. Support him remotely.

@pinksunglasses I’m generally pretty sympathetic when family members are ill, but I’m very careful with D&V-the rubber gloves and anti-bac come out! I certainly wouldn’t share a bed with anyone with those symptoms, far too risky.

He's a fully grown man who you've been dating for 6 months and he wants YOU to look after him. 🙄

Absolutely. Fucking. Not.

He's actually happy to put you at risk of catching something that put him in the hospital. What a selfish bastard.

Stay away, give sympathy by telephone if you can stomach it. Go on holiday. Review your relationship with manbaby.

Yes. Mine would have shrivelled up, any excess dried to a crisp and then fallen off.
Massive ick.

I work in healthcare and what i would say is this… with bacterial infections that are responsive to antibiotics the patient is usually no longer contagious by 48 hours. However i would be concerned about catching it from an un sanitised surface or even the original source of infection ie food at his home etc. and wouldnt risk it for at least 2 weeks, long enough for any pathogens lying around to die off.