AIBU to avoid DP who’s been ill in hospital

[Horachied]

Fully aware here that I may be flamed, and I can understand why but I’m trying to understand whether I’m being reasonable, or being a bit harsh.

DP and I have been together a year and a half. We don’t live together. Last week, I visited my family in my home town and came to stay for the week. I have a new family member that’s been born and I was excited to come back here for a few days to get to know the new baby. I see my family once every 3 months normally, and miss them a lot so really value the time I have with them.

whilst I’ve been in my home town, DP contracted a bacterial infection. This then worsened and he ended up having to spend 2 nights in hospital due to complications from it. I have been in home town throughout this, but spoken with him a lot on the phone and his mum has been by his side the whole time.

im now returning to where I live tomorrow, and DP has asked that I come stay with him for the week to ‘look after him’.

now I’m probably being awful, but I’m really reluctant to. Google tells me that his infection is highly contagious, and I’m meant to be going ok holiday in 10 days. If I catch this infection, I would likely have to cancel my holiday which I really don’t want to do.

He also does tend to have man flu, and is very dramatic whenever he gets any illness. He told me that he likes to be ‘babied’ when he gets ill, which I simply refuse to do because he’s a grown man. So part of me also feels like he doesn’t need to be taken care of and should get on with it for a few days by himself.

AIBU and really horrible?

I would show up with food shopping, put on a wash as needed but wouldn't move in for the week. Does he expect you to take time off work to care for him, do you have other responsibilities at your own home OP?

But do we know he wouldn’t do the same?

Being uncaring in anticipation of the other person being uncaring doesn’t sound like a great foundation for a relationship, does it?

I do think if I had been in hospital I would be so relieved and grateful to my returning partner to give me some emotional and practical support. When I am ill at home its lovely to not have the burden of doing housework, preparing myself food etc. I'm so lucky to have a loving husband who does this for me when I'm ill and I do the same for him. Surely it helps with recovery too.

I'm not a doctor, but are you sure bacterial colitis (which he's got) is the same as infectious colitis (which you've googled, and determined is transmissible?). He might have a bacterial colitis that is not infectious (i.e. one arising from the overgrowth of normal bacteria in the gut) hence its not something you could 'catch'. Maybe that explains the discrepancy between what the hospital have told him (i.e. he's not infectious), and what you've googled?

My immediate reaction would be
"No, I'm not a nurse & I don't like sick people. If you're too ill to be alone then you shouldn't be leaving hospital"

I wouldn't consider it without the holiday coming up & no way would I risk my holiday. Woukd your travel insurance pay if you had to cancel.

Let's face it the vast majority of men woukd say no to such a request if it was the other way round.

YANBU. Why would a grown man expect to be “babied” when he’s not well? He’s an adult. And he’s infectious. I’d steer well clear and let his mum do the babying. Enjoy your holiday.

Hmm
If he's the one and you have a mutual connection and future together, I think you would want to look after him and would offer to do so without hesitation however, if his feelings were that yiur are the one and have a mutual connection and future together I think he'd say, no you mustn't I really want you to enjoy your holiday.

I suspect the relationship might have run its course, in which case let his mum take over.

Ive just spoken with him on the phone. He was well enough to go for a walk today (and walked up and down the 6 flight of stairs to his flat).

I’ve told him that I’ll go round tomorrow for a few hours to see him and bring him some food. I’ve said I won’t stay over, and won’t use his toilet so hopefully I can avoid catching it that way!

he was a bit put out I think when I said that but didn’t argue.

It's highly unlikely that it's contagious if its been treated with intravenous antibiotics and it's bacterial. He spent 2 days in hospital and likely felt pretty rough. He may now be feeling really weak. I think that you should, at the very least, pop round to see him and help him out a bit. He doesn't need babying or for you necessarily to be there for a week, but it does sound as though he could use some TLC. If it were the other way round and he had been away for a week whilst you had been in hospital and then he didn't want to see you for the next 10 days before he went on holiday, people would be in uproar. If you were at risk of getting anything, they would have given advice upon his discharge.

Not entirely sure why you're partners tbh. He might want to be babied but it sounds like some sympathy might be warranted at least.

If you're only willing to pitch in when things are good you're a bit of a lightweight and not in it for the long haul why stick about.

You don’t sound like you like him much. Doesn’t seem to be much love.

If my bf of 18 months had been admitted to hospital I’d be straight there whether his dm was there or not.

I wouldn’t stay over at his but l would visit a lot if he was still unwell until you went on holiday.

This relationship seems
short on care and compassion.

He's not your "dp", he's a guy you shag and hang out with occasionally.

I would never and have never asked him to care for me when I’ve been ill.

Every time I’ve had a cold or stomach bug myself I’ve refused to let him come round, because I didn’t want him to catch it. So I don’t expect more of him than for me.

I am very avoidant when it comes to relationships though, so this may well be a manifestation of that.

Set your stall out from the word go. You are not going to be his mummy or his nurse. And you are really very offended that he wants you to be.

It's gross that he asked you. Why does he have expectations of service from you? Well done on having boundaries. I'd throw this one back tbh.

Fuck that shit.

What does he want you to do? Fix him soup? Mop his brow? Wipe his arse? He is a grown man, not a child. If he has no children or pets to care for and has plenty of food in, you can be sympathetic on the other end of a phone and he can look after himself.

I got very ill with a serious sinus infection. The ENT doc sent me home to bed.
My boyfriend woke me every 20 minutes to ask me if I needed anything, no joke.
Sleep, you arsehole! I need sleep!!”
If this dude needs babying, have him call his mummy or a wet nurse.
I believe you have plans, young lady.
Don’t forget to write! 👋

YANBU if you drop the partner label for now and decide this is a boyfriend you don’t want an actual partnership with. And that’s a fine thing to want.

But being there for someone when they’re seriously sick (including prioritizing that over holiday plans & long family visits) sometimes is part of a healthy marriage or partnership. Setting reasonable boundaries within that by saying “I am not a servant who will wait on someone hand and foot if they aren’t genuinely very ill” is one thing, but refusing to be with him or help at all is a very clear signal that you don’t have any intention of actually being there in sickness and health.

If you have an abusive past then you’ll have to work through what part of this is you not wanting to create any interdependence in a relationship because you don’t know how to do that healthily in a way that feels good to you vs what is just you not wanting to have that with this particular person.

I don’t know about this case, but saying ‘I don’t like sick people’ is pretty mean, and I don’t think people always have nurses available when they need looking after, or have total choice about being discharged.

I do think this man saying he likes to be babied when ill is a bit of a red flag, but also OP you do seem fairly cold towards him. I am sorry that you haven’t been cared for in your life and so sorry you were abused. I don’t get the sense this relationship is going anywhere.

Honestly I think you're nuts to see him indoors and risk catching it before your holiday. Meet up with him outside, even in the garden, if you must.

I can’t believe all these posts. If I’d just got out of hospital and lived alone I’d be desperate for some company. I feel like if it was the woman just discharged from hospital and her male partner hadn’t visited in hospital, was refusing to come round and then going off on holiday, everyone would be jumping up and down shouting LTB.

I’m so sorry, I’m with the people who say you don’t sound like you’re both ‘The One’ for each other.

I only realised in the past few years I’m a man flu type person but dh does indulge me and I do the same back. I missed a holiday last year when I got Covid from the kids being sick and if I’d missed it cos of him I’d have said the same - nothing could have been done, you needed looking after!

I wouldn't even get into a conversation about the 'baby-ing'. If that's what he wants, he's with the wrong woman!

I take care of DH when he is poorly because I want to. Not because it's expected of me.

I would steer clear and stay well for your holiday. If he's well enough to go out for a walk, he'll manage to press a few buttons on the microwave.

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that, at least in my personal understanding of a 'normal' loving and caring relationship, some form of visiting would absolutely be expected to help him with small tasks like washing up, changing beds (maybe wear gloves!), perhaps preparing a meal. But I think you have the right idea in only going for a few hours and keeping your distance from him physically. That shows that you're there for him, that you care, but will hopefully mean minimal chance of catching the infection. Don't use his towels unless clean.

I personally don't see an issue with the wanting to be 'babied' when ill. Sure, it's not ideal, and he will absolutely have to snap out of that if the two of you ever have children, but it's sort of understandable that when you feel vulnerable you want the care from your partner to step up. If this isn't something you personally want when unwell then that's also fine, but I can't really understand people calling this a 'red flag' and claiming it's a deal-breaker. Most people want care and love from those close to them when in any kind of vulnerable situation, he's just chosen a very poor phrase to express that.

I think you've made the right call in saying you'll visit for a few hours, maybe a few times before you go away. That, to me, is the 'normal' response to a situation like this. I wish you the best of luck and a nice holiday!

If a woman posted she expected to be babied by her boyfriend because it's what she's used too, she would get her arse handed to her.