AIBU to avoid DP who’s been ill in hospital

[Horachied]

Fully aware here that I may be flamed, and I can understand why but I’m trying to understand whether I’m being reasonable, or being a bit harsh.

DP and I have been together a year and a half. We don’t live together. Last week, I visited my family in my home town and came to stay for the week. I have a new family member that’s been born and I was excited to come back here for a few days to get to know the new baby. I see my family once every 3 months normally, and miss them a lot so really value the time I have with them.

whilst I’ve been in my home town, DP contracted a bacterial infection. This then worsened and he ended up having to spend 2 nights in hospital due to complications from it. I have been in home town throughout this, but spoken with him a lot on the phone and his mum has been by his side the whole time.

im now returning to where I live tomorrow, and DP has asked that I come stay with him for the week to ‘look after him’.

now I’m probably being awful, but I’m really reluctant to. Google tells me that his infection is highly contagious, and I’m meant to be going ok holiday in 10 days. If I catch this infection, I would likely have to cancel my holiday which I really don’t want to do.

He also does tend to have man flu, and is very dramatic whenever he gets any illness. He told me that he likes to be ‘babied’ when he gets ill, which I simply refuse to do because he’s a grown man. So part of me also feels like he doesn’t need to be taken care of and should get on with it for a few days by himself.

AIBU and really horrible?

I think that I would have been very upset if my dh had been ill like this 18 months in. 25 years later, I’d probably put him in the spare room. But 18 months in, I wouldn’t have. I think if you really, really love and adore someone, you do end up just taking risks with your own health. It’s different, but whatever my kids have had - swine flu, norovirus, covid, nits - the whole lot - I would never have considered avoiding them. Even as older teens, I’d still be there for them.

I suppose it depends what the actual, material difference between being ‘babied’ and ‘looked after’ when you’ve just been in hospital is.

This!

Your link is only about viral colitis. Bacterial colitis is much harder to spread between people, especially after starting antibiotics. YABU...this isn't man-flu.

Yes YABU.

If this was reversed and a husband was avoiding his wife they'd get flamed for being such a bad husband. How disgusting of you? Hopefully he leaves you

Yeah, this...

18 months not 6

But @pinksunglasses there is no H or DC here!! This is a very new relationship. Op does not have to look after a contagious boyfriend!

This. You are his girlfriend, not his carer.

I would compromise by visiting him daily for an hour to check up on him, bringing him a home cooked meal and not sharing his bed or toilet.

Would you think a man should risk catching a contagious disease and look after his gf too, or does the looking after just go one way?!

I dated someone with a similar childhood to you and issues with being avoidant, when I became ill with endometriosis he made me feel a bother to him. We broke up

I'm not saying you're doing that, and I'm not saying you're being unreasonable but is this a deal breaker him? Is it worth compromising?

I'm not sure Eric Bloodaxe would have been great at looking after his wife.

Do you think only women should be caring?!

@NeedSomeAnswersPlease If I came home from hospital with sth like this though, I genuinely wouldn’t want to risk my DH catching it, even though we live in the same house.

I wouldn’t expect him to sleep in the same bed and I’d try to avoid using the same loo (we have a downstairs one). I’d be cleaning everything if I had the energy. I would appreciate cups of tea and soup, etc., but I’d understand if he kept his distance!

If you substituted "babied" for being cared for" I don't think you would have had the same level of vitriol for this man.

He's been in hospital so I think you showing some level of care/looking after ( in person ) is reasonable .

From your subsequent comments I think this is quite a long way from your natural instincts which favour less emotional but more practical support, eg sending the food parcel. I suspect you might not be that compatible in the long run if you have such different ways of showing affection.

I only mentioned the ‘babying’ thing to give some context about why I’m unsure about how ill he truly is, because he has a tendency to be over dramatic. Every time he has a cold, he always takes at least 2 days off work for example and talks about how extremely ill he is.

I know that he genuinely is I’ll this time, but I think I now just automatically have a slight skepticism about the true severity. He’s managing to sleep all night and has been able to walk up and down stairs today, so I don’t know.

He wants to be babied? I've just been a bit sick in my mouth.

@Hisapsy I look after my teens, wearing my rubber gloves and armed with anti-bac. 🤣

Disagree, if I was discharged with something contagious I'd be telling everyone to stay away, and especially not wanting to ruin other people's holidays. Family and partner can call, text and video me if they want to provide some company, although when I'm very sick I'm sleeping so much anyway I don't need company.

From OPs recent updates he has been for a walk today so he doesn't need nursing for a week! I can't go for a walk when I'm very sick. And if he's well enough to go for a walk then he can change his own bedding and load the dishwasher.

I think calling him your DP is a stretch. You don't live together, you don't holiday together. He's been pretty ill and your main concern isn't him it's you. Nothing wrong with that but it suggests to me this is just a casual relationship.

I second this advice. Really selfish of him to want to expose you to this.

He's been in hospital!!!!

@BruFord personally I'd not sit there and go "oh but my holiday", I wouldn't dream of going away while my parent is ill

Totally agree with this

I agree with this