AIBU to avoid DP who’s been ill in hospital

[Horachied]

Fully aware here that I may be flamed, and I can understand why but I’m trying to understand whether I’m being reasonable, or being a bit harsh.

DP and I have been together a year and a half. We don’t live together. Last week, I visited my family in my home town and came to stay for the week. I have a new family member that’s been born and I was excited to come back here for a few days to get to know the new baby. I see my family once every 3 months normally, and miss them a lot so really value the time I have with them.

whilst I’ve been in my home town, DP contracted a bacterial infection. This then worsened and he ended up having to spend 2 nights in hospital due to complications from it. I have been in home town throughout this, but spoken with him a lot on the phone and his mum has been by his side the whole time.

im now returning to where I live tomorrow, and DP has asked that I come stay with him for the week to ‘look after him’.

now I’m probably being awful, but I’m really reluctant to. Google tells me that his infection is highly contagious, and I’m meant to be going ok holiday in 10 days. If I catch this infection, I would likely have to cancel my holiday which I really don’t want to do.

He also does tend to have man flu, and is very dramatic whenever he gets any illness. He told me that he likes to be ‘babied’ when he gets ill, which I simply refuse to do because he’s a grown man. So part of me also feels like he doesn’t need to be taken care of and should get on with it for a few days by himself.

AIBU and really horrible?

What is it he thinks you need to move in and look after him for though?

is he completely bed bound and unable to move? Or is it that he wants you wait on him, fetching drinks and food as he wills it while he moves from bed to sofa?

you may possibly be being over cautious about not seeing him at all and the risk of infection but I’d be worried about my holiday too. It’s not unreasonable to be.

but no way would I be moving in to “baby” him. That’s a massive ick and red flag for your future.

I’m on the fence- if the situation was reversed and you were unwell enough to have been in hospital would you want him help you? if you would never ask him for help/accept help from him, then fair enough.

I suppose the other factor is whether he actually does need some help? If he does- and you are serious about being in a relationship with him, then I probably want to be there and look after him (holiday or not). If I wasn’t actually very serious about him/ it was a casual relationship or if he was actually perfectly well enough to look after himself, then I wouldn’t.

I don’t know, if my husband had D&V I’d be very careful, I’d take precautions and would probably sleep on the sofa but I’d still want to be there for him. Just like I don’t flee the house when my child has d&v, just one of those things that happens when you share a life I suppose.

I wouldn’t be able to enjoy myself knowing DH had just come out of hospital as if I didn’t care, who would?

Not aimed at you, but there is sometimes an attitude on here that you’re not entitled to any love and kindness beyond the absolute basics once your an adult, even from the person who’s supposed to love you most.

This means he sees you as a substitute mum. Do not plan a live-in relationship or kids with him. I've been there, done that and this would be my advice to my younger self. He won't change, you won't fix him.
And in the short-term, stay away and enjoy your holiday.

Did he actually say the words…..he likes to be BABIED?! Yuk. My fanny would slam shut.

Hi Op,

I agree with pp if he is like this without kids it will be 1000 times worse with kids and you will feel like a slave with no support.

I guess it depends on what he needs? Can he get out of bed, make food, wash home self etc? If so then he is being selfish to potentially expose you to this infection and you could end up in hospital too.

Honestly I would through this one back xx

But in this hypothetical situation, if a woman posted on here that she’d just come out of hospital and was getting no help or support with kids she’d be told that her husband was useless. Fine, if it’s a cold we all have to struggle on, but he’s properly ill!

He also does tend to have man flu, and is very dramatic whenever he gets any illness.

This is hardly the same.
He was hospitalised for 2 nights so he’s pretty ill and he’s obviously not being dramatic.

I personally would not go.
But I also wouldn’t expect anyone to come and take care of me when I’m ill either.

So it depends.
If it was the other way around would you expect him to do it for you?
Has there been a time when you have been ill and he’s taken care of you?

For some, this may be a dealbreaker.
I’ve read threads on here by women who would leave their DPs if they don’t bring them a drink or change of clothes just in A&E.

I don’t think there is any right or wrong answer here.

Treat him how you would want him to treat you.
Its then up to him to decide whether you are compatible or not.

He has a very contagious thing? Then, no, you should not look after him - holiday or not.

Not a cats chance in hell I’d risk catching this before my holiday. He’s being really selfish expecting you to put yourself at risk.

I think he's being incredibly selfish to be honest, why would he want you to go and stay with him and put you at risk of catching it, holiday or no holiday? He's been in hospital with it,so I'm assuming it can be quite serious! I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that I'd be happy to arrange food deliveries etc but until he's no longer infectious, you'll not be stepping foot over his threshold!

Funnily, I just spoke to my partner who is away for another few days saying I am looking forward to him coming back to look after me (I have a cold). BUT I don't actually need him to look after me, he doesn't look after me beyond making food and a cup of tea and we live together. So it was just a figure of speech to say "I am feeling a bit sorry for myself and need someone to stroke my hair for 3 minutes and say poor you".
I did "look after him" when he had a horrible vomiting bug which, miraculously, I managed to avoid despite spending three days washing a sick bucket every hour. Again, we lived together and he literally could not get himself off the bed for the majority of these three days. It wasn't just a bit of a man flu.
Someone whom I don't live with and who has his mum to look after him and who doesn't feel particularly bad.. no, I wouldn't be doing that. Least of all when someone has a contagious infection which led to a hospital admission. And I would file this request under the "review the attitude before this relationship goes any further" space in my head.

That would seriously give me the ick, he is not looking for an equal partner, he is looking for a mummy replacement. I presume he knows you are going on holiday and he is potentially still contagious - that level of selfish neediness on his part would be deeply unattractive to me and not sure I would be able to forget it!

Do not stay with a man like this. Do not. I know secondhand the misery these types of men who like to “babied” can cause. Seriously.

Infectious or not it would be a no from me .
Wants to be looked after and likes being babied when unwell? Thats someone who I would be completely incompatible with. Yuck.

Love the way you put in that he likes to be babied. Got everyone on board with that little snippet 👏.

I think you're not much of a partner.....not even much if a girlfriend. Guy is not very well & wants some company. You've been away all week with your family & not visited when in hospital (as its 9obviously miles away) but now he's home you're still not visiting him......and then you're off on holiday (presumably without him) in a weeks time. Jeez......do you actually like this bloke ? You dont even need to stay over if you think you are going to catch something from his bedsheetsxor toilet seat 🙄.

If I was him I'd be re-evaluating my relationship. Just hope he does the same to you when you're ill.

Give him care and love. Visit, stroke his hair (wash your hands), and empathise. You don't need to move in to become a full-time nurse unless 1. he is bedbound and 2. he has nobody else to help him.
If someone I loved were bedbound and helpless, then I would prioritise looking after him over a holiday. If he were mobile and functioning and had a family to help, I would offer short visits and loads of emotional support. I think this is appropriate at this stage of a relationship.

This. The being babied when ill comment is major ick.

Hi OP, I think you should stay with him but only if you don't come across as being resentful. If he was unwell enough to be admitted to hospital, he must have been really unwell. He wouldn't have been discharged if he was a high risk.
Adhere to vigilant hygiene precautions and your BF is on antibiotics. If you are in a relationship with this man, I believe you should stay with him.
Congratulations on the new addition to your family and enjoy your forthcoming trip

It's really weird to see so many women criticising a man for asking to be cared for when he is ill, on the same website where women criticise men for leaving women whenever they become unwell.

yep!

So, while he's genuinely ill, he also likes to be cossetted.

If he wants to be babied, he needs to be with the woman who can see him as a baby: his mother.

Continue doing what you're already doing. Explain that you need to protect your own health and couldn't possibly take proper care of him if you fell ill. Would he step up and baby you?

Then, go on your holiday and think long and hard if you want to take on a man who wants to be indulged the minute he gets a cold. Your children will take up enough of you energy and patience when they arrive and he will throw a hissy fit.

So many caring women about 😮

Or - before having kids, aim to find a relationship where looking after each other is the normal rather than a race to the bottom?

Providing care and minor nursing is par for the course when a loved one is ill.

Fussing over a grown up who just wants to be indulged is another kettle of fish entirely.

Especially, do when such a man will not provide the same level of care in return.