To think Dh is wrong (racist question)

[Tuddlepops]

We have lots of African families living near us now. It's a recent thing. We get on very well with all we've met. They come from a few different countries.
Today I chatted to another new black neighbour over the back. Never spoken her before. Dh said I wonder which African country she's from. I said London by the sounds of it 🙄🤣 He said no originally. I said ok I'll ask for a rundown of her heritage.

I know he's wrong just want to show him as he's convinced I am and it's not an unusual thing to ask. He's otherwise intelligent. What happens to people to make them not think about the obvious?

I've been asked that. White and moved about a lot
I answer "I'm from X" and get "no but originally" as it's my accent that people can't place
It is a bit annoying because when people say where are you from... do you mean where I was born, where I lived, where I lived the longest or where I live now?!

But yeah not on to ask under the OP circumstances

Why not? It's being interested in your neighbours. When we moved here our neighbour asked where my husband was from (Norway)

It depends what he's asking and what information he already knows.

If someone said "I've moved here from africa" then "oh lovely which country" is completely reasonable. But all OP has said is that she is black and presumably has a London accent. So in that case asking about their "heritage" is essentially asking "where were you born? Where was your mother born? Your father? How about your grandparents? When did they move here..."

I've done family history for decades - even most white people won't have an extended family background of "just" the country they live in (lets say english) but will have at least one Welsh/Irish/scottish/French etc grandparent or great grandparent but you wouldn't interrogate every single white person you met about their "heritage".

Basically it's as easy as treating a new black neighbour exactly the same as a white neighbour. If you asked your white neighbour where they've moved from and they say London in an english accent you wouldn't ask them further background questions about their "heritage" so don't ask a black neighbour. If they answered "the usa" or "france" it would then, of course, be fine to ask what part of the us/france, or indeed Africa.

If you are asking a black neighbour questions you wouldn't ask a white neighbour then you are treating them differently because of their race. Which is, obviously, racist.

It's the "no originally" part that is inappropriate because it's assuming that just because shes black she couldn't possibly have been born in Britain and therefore be as British as he is!

^^^ this.

It’s so complex. My best friend married a lady from England but her parents are Nigerian. Culturally this has significant implications throughout their relationship they didn’t foresee due to the cultural differences. Eg. How to discipline dc (smacking totally the norm for her), mh issues are a shameful thing so her pnd was hidden resulting in psychosis, and having a girl rather than a boy is a disappointment. In this sense, her background does matter as the differences do need to be talked about for better understanding.

By contrast, I work with a Chinese guy who’s more English than some English people following public school education. He would describe himself as English with Asian heritage.

I’m English with Irish heritage but it’s less visually obvious.

I am a white woman, from South Africa, I get asked where I am from all the time... because I have an accent.

When I am in South Africa, I do not get asked where my family are from "originally" because I am very clearly, South African.

I never understand why this is difficult. Families from Africa, with African accents and who are clearly first generation immigrants - ask the question, sure. Black person who is clearly born and bred in England and sounds like it, no, it's not an appropriate conversation in the first instance (obviously, over time, this stuff comes up as you get to know someone and their background, whether that's from parents who were from Rwanda or families that have lived in Cornwall for 50 generations and are recently moved to London!).

I get where your H is coming from. I often want to ask as my DF lives in Africa and I hear a lot about the different cultures he has experienced on his travels. However I would never ask and would just be happy if they offered up the information at some point down the line.

It is most certainly not silly and is absolutely an important part of the reason why it is different. Visit the William Wilberforce museum in Hull or similar and come back to me on whether or not the history of slavery is relevant!!

White people are the oppressors. White, wealthy men in particular.

In the U.K. a white personal will not experience violence, aggression, comments etc just on the basis of the colour of their skin. A person of colour will.

This is racist. It’s a micro aggression and something that often precedes worse. It impacts on the day to day life of lots of (most) people of colour.

I see nothing wrong with being interested in other people, however in the current climate it can be very dangerous to say anything about where anyone is from. Happily most of my black friends and colleagues have volunteered the information, so there has been no need to ask. It would be a shame if these conversations were no longer deemed appropriate as we learn so much from hearing about others' lives and experiences.

I do think some white people think all black people feel relentlessly oppressed. My black friends, mostly all born in the UK or came here many moons ago to study, are really proud of their heritage. The idea that black people are so sensitive that you can't even ask them about their family background is laughable! Is it not a bit racist to assume an African person would be offended or ashamed if people wondered where in Africa they/their were from?

Also denying it when it does! If your accent was from those Countries you mentioned, then why ask? Do you think that white people do not live in these Countries, or something? History is obviously not your strongest point

@Monkeybutt1

”I think there is a big difference in assuming someone can't be from here because of the colour of their skin (racist) and taking an interest in someone's heritage”

Good distinction. I’m genuinely interested in people and their cultures. When working with some British Nigerians, I loved hearing about the traditions, differences between UK/Nigeria etc (a lot of discussion after reading ‘Girl with the Louding voice). I’d hate to come across as racist.

Why do so many women on here talk about their DH or DP as if they dont know them. Who needs to know that you think your DH is a racist, if he is you must have known this before so you come on here saying how shocked you are just to be trendy. I just dont get it. If you have to talk about him behind his back and feel uncomfortable with his way of thinking your with the wrong guy so LTB. So many Threads like this its ridiculous how many women dont know their partners and how many are shocked because their partners ask a simple quistion so simple that thay cant answer it themselves they have to tell MN.

You must know the faux pas a Lady in Waiting (for late ER11) made at Buck. Pal. not longer ago '' But where are you really from?'' she asked a black women. The woman was very offended and L in W was demoted for while. It was NEWS everywhere in UK.

My ancestors were Irish slaves and peasants within England, with poverty all the way back. The land owners and lords, slave owners etc are not a part of my heritage. I hate the point you're making, which I hear often, as it's racist within itself - because of the colour of my skin I must be X Y or Z. Because people with my colour skin have previously been bad to people of darker skin tones in recent history, I therefore have to associate with them and can't have an opinion on the subject. I strongly disagree.

I've been asked, am I polish or Italian? As I have features which those heritages share. I have asked somebody are they Ghanaian, because they shared features of my other friends from Ghana - I was correct. Nobody was offended. Generally, black people in the UK have arrived in the past 100 years, asking or wondering where the derive from oringally should not be offensive. Of course people reserve the right to be offended at what they wish.

Are they African? Where abouts? There are huge differences in east and west African cultures. Carribbean? Perhaps Brazilian? I am a curious person and the fact my curiousity could be misconstrued as blatant racism is really sad.

MY ancestors did not subjugate anybody going back as far as I can see - Not sure about yours. I won't be held responsible or in any way accountable for actions of others within history simply because they were white too. Actually consider what you are saying, that is textbook racism.

You are right. Over time, and as you get to know one another better, she may choose to share some of her heritage with you and is likely proud of it. For example, I’m white and tell anyone who’ll listen that I’m Welsh, not English. But it isn’t acceptable to ask for this information. It doesn’t sound like your husband intended it to be offensive, and often people think they’re doing right by showing an interest, but when you flip the scenario it’s easy to see how it is problematic.

The conversations are entirely appropriate. Just not as part of the first conversation with someone you've never met before. By all means ask, if the conversation naturally goes in that direction (e.g. the person mentions they were born in Africa) or once you've got to know them a lot better.

Would you ask a new neighbour who they voted for? What their religion was? Whether they were gay? Surely those things are just being "interested" in other people?

I know plenty of black and Asian people that have absolutely zero issues with casual conversation and being asked about their culture, in fact they like the interest, as I would. Because imagine this, we are all human beings and have unique personalities. I agree with you.

It’s honestly the most boring question to have to answer on repeat. It is racist but also so common place it’s like being asked what Alevels/GCSEs you are doing by a boring old fart…except it’s not for a few years it’s forever. Tell him to think of something else to chat about.

I'm white and British born but I get asked where my heritage is all the time, because I'm visibly not an 'English rose.' Often the person asking is black. I don't care, I see it as interest and the natural curiosity people have.

Any white person with an accent gets asked this all the time. I've literally asked people who have an accent (regardless of skin colour) where they are from out of curiosity. It's completely normal to be interested in different people and their culture.

It would happen if the new neighbour had an obvious non london accent.

I don't have an accent that is local to where I live and I've lost count of the number of times I've been asked where I'm from originally because it's pretty obvious I'm not from here despite living here for >20 years.

I've never been offended, except when someone thought I was from Yorkshire 😂

What it is in fact is inappropriate and unnecessary. We are sick of people constantly asking us that. If we tell you we're from London as we were born & raised, leave it at that, don't ask the question! The racist bit comes into play because you wouldn't ask a white person automatically. Who could well be African too or from any other country!

A difficult one. Personally I wouldn't ask but people of all ethnicities can be proud of their heritage and want to talk about it. I would say that while the intent may not be racist, asking the question could be.

I live in Australia, if an Aboriginal person asked me where I was from I’d just say my family was from the UK.