To think Dh is wrong (racist question)

[Tuddlepops]

We have lots of African families living near us now. It's a recent thing. We get on very well with all we've met. They come from a few different countries.
Today I chatted to another new black neighbour over the back. Never spoken her before. Dh said I wonder which African country she's from. I said London by the sounds of it 🙄🤣 He said no originally. I said ok I'll ask for a rundown of her heritage.

I know he's wrong just want to show him as he's convinced I am and it's not an unusual thing to ask. He's otherwise intelligent. What happens to people to make them not think about the obvious?

Not racist at all imo. I get asked where I’m originally from often & I just see it as taking an interest.

I think often things like this are not necessarily intentionally hostile (don't know in your DH's case but given you are clearly sensitive to these things, I assume you wouldn't have married a raving fascist), however, being constantly asked 'where you're from' is going to make you feel like an outsider. Surely your DH can see that?

@Monkeybutt1 I have an English accent but hardly any English dna. Never been asked about that. I'm white.

Anyway he isn't going to ask. I've convinced him.

@StarDolphins are you black with an English accent?

No, he said he wanted to know where they were originally from. It's in the OP.

This would be classed as racism at work. Very large global organisation

There's a specific training on this

I think once you've known someone for a while and you know everyone gets along, then it's probably not that inappropriate.

If it's the second thing you ask them the first time you meet them, then it almost certainly is.

Yes, round my way it happens, We have loads of Polish, Ukrainian and Romanians, etc to the point you don't hear engish being spoken in certain parts.

I made the mistake of asking the guy up the shop who I've known for years where he was from a few months back, and got a distinctly arsey "I'm British!" in response.

Had to clarify I meant where in the UK, as he had an South East England accent and that's where I'm from originally so was curious!

My fault, I'd imagine he's been asked exactly that question by racists in the past so I should have worded it better!

My DH is white but from another country, he moved over to England as a teen. He has never been asked when he’s originally from!. I have a black friend, born in England, as were their parents and grandparents, yet they get asked where they’re originally from quite often. Their family has been in England as long as my family have (Irish immigrants), yet I’ve never been asked where I’m originally from either. Whenever I talk about my Irish heritage nobody views it as if I’m from Ireland, yet when my friend talks about their heritage they are viewed as if they are from that country and not as if that is their heritage.
It is racist.

No. I do have an unusual face, maybe it’s that!

There was white slavery in the Arab world iirc. But it's silly to bring up oppression and subjugation. The DH was just curious about her ethnic heritage. It would have been racist if he considered her to not to British.

It's racist for a white person to say 'no I mean originally' because that emphasises their difference and implies they are 'other', 'not like us'.

If a Black person chooses to express their heritage, that is an act of identity.

The two things are quite different - and pretending to be confused about 'I don't understand, lots of Black people demonstrate their heritage all the time' is also racist.

I’m a big fan of the show first dates. When you have 2 black or brown people dating either it’s always practically the forest or second question they ask eachother then they talk about excitedly. if a white person asks their racist, rather than curious.

I'm "brown" if someone asked me where I was ethnically from I'd say India.

Well yes, if you were in Nairobi or another majority Black country?

Racist, all this oh I’m just interested is bullshit. He wouldn’t ask a white person where they were “really from”

And do they all have London accents?

Your posts are very odd - you refer to African neighbours - is that what you mean because this neighbour sounds like a black Londoner? And then you talk about them moving your way because it’s cheap - which sounds like you are lumping together a group that is quite diverse by the sounds of it. And then you say they are more pleasant than your white neighbours - again lumping together.

I am going to answer this as a foreigner. There is nothing wrong with asking people about their family history - we have family members from all over the world. But asking a person where they are "originally" from is definitely a loaded question. My step kid is "originally" from here. Born and bred in London. If someone were to ask about her parents and her family history, they would find a wide range of nations including Italians, Jews, Poles and Greeks. As a result she may look somewhat "foreign" but she is "originally" from London. And anyone implying otherwise or asking where she is "really" from would be seen as deeply unpleasant.
So if you husband wants to know where the neighbors ancestors are from, then there are ways of enquiring about it without questioning her own country of origin.

I think there’s a mile of difference between “where are you from” and “what is your heritage” but people get mixed up over which they’re asking, or which they’re hearing. Asking where someone is from contains judgement that they’re not from “here”. Asking someone’s heritage is different because we all have heritage.

But layered over that is the fact that white people in the UK don’t get asked about their heritage. So while from a white perspective it doesn’t feel like a racist question, we have to ask ourselves is there any way in which we treat white, black, brown, etc people differently purely based on their skin colour. If you wouldn’t ask a white person their heritage, but you would ask a black person, then yes that’s racist. Not racist from hate, but racist from seeing someone as other.

As with most things, this isn't a black and white thing.

On one hand, asking a black person where they are from "originally", based on the assumption that they can't be british is ropey.

However, if someone is obviously from somewhere else, like they have said they have immigrated or obviously are speaking english as a 2nd language or whatever, then being naturally curious about their background on a human level is not in itself racist.

I guess he might if they had an accent or a name that was generally associated with another country.

We have got African neighbours and after we had been round a few times we asked which country is their heritage from - they told us Ghana and it is great because we have learnt loads about their culture and traditions. Gosh l hope they didn't think we were being racist - we were genuinely interested. We get invited to all their parties and bbq's so l think they know we aren't.

Actually yes, l agree with this