To think Dh is wrong (racist question)

[Tuddlepops]

We have lots of African families living near us now. It's a recent thing. We get on very well with all we've met. They come from a few different countries.
Today I chatted to another new black neighbour over the back. Never spoken her before. Dh said I wonder which African country she's from. I said London by the sounds of it 🙄🤣 He said no originally. I said ok I'll ask for a rundown of her heritage.

I know he's wrong just want to show him as he's convinced I am and it's not an unusual thing to ask. He's otherwise intelligent. What happens to people to make them not think about the obvious?

But the OP told her husband the new neighbour had a London accent.

It's racist to assume that someone is not from "here" because they're not white.

I'm white. When I was in the UK for 4+ months this year my obvious accent showed I am not from the UK. I have absolutely zero problem with Brits asking me where I'm from. It's not racist to ask where someone is from ffs.

In fact, I always took it as Brits showing interest in me.

This idea that asking non white people "where are you from" is racist is ridiculous IMO

Do you have a Caribbean accent?

EDIT quoted wrong post, see quote history

@Tuddlepops By definition a racist is

a person who is prejudiced against or antagonistic towards people on the basis of their membership of a particular racial or ethnic group, typically one that is a minority or marginalized.

Does this describe your husband? Because to me it sounds like he's just being friendly / nosy about new neighbours (as we can all be guilty of) and asking where they're from?!

Why are you trying to castigate your own husband as a racist when he's clearly not???

Because in this context "where are you from" means "where were you born/raised". Which could well be England. It's not the same as being on holiday, blatantly a tourist and having someone ask where you're visiting from. It's assuming they aren't from here.

My friend was born in their home town. Their mum emigrated there before she was born to work for the NHS. She IS local. She is more local to me as I moved there in my 30s. Yet because I’m white it is never assumed I’m not local. Racism. Lazy assumptions based on skin tone and hair colour/texture.

Here is a decent answer to your question. It's not always wrong, but...

When is it OK for white people to ask about other people’s ethnicity? | Sisonke Msimang | The Guardian

This is mind blowing.

Skin colour is not, in any way, an indicator of where someone was brought up or born. Skin colour is an indicator of where your ancestors were born.

Accent on the other hand, is almost always an indicator of where you were brought up and/or born. Which is why, within families, you can have multiple accents. My children have English accents. Me and DH do not.

They are two completely different things and it's really quite frightening that you can't see that.

But if you had a London accent and someone, in London, asked you where you were from based on you not looking British, would that still be ok?

They talk about it for all kinds of reasons, to find connections, to learn more about each other, to make conversation, out of interest.

You are wrong to think you won't find connections across race, btw. People do in all kinds of ways.

This idea that you need to walk on eggshells in any inter-racial exchange - much less a regular friendship or even neighbour situation - is not a healthy dynamic at all.

No. It isn't. It is racist to be prejudiced against - or antagonistic towards - people from a different racial or ethnic group.

It is not racist to ask questions about someone's heritage.

But you don't have to share the same heritage to share common ground. My white DH is married to me, a brown person. He sometimes asks, if he thinks someone is from the same country as me, because that's also common ground. Ditto if someone has visited or lived in the place you're from, or if they learned that language at school, or if they've been reading a novel set in that place, or they've just tried a new restaurant that serves that cuisine... there's all sorts of non-racist reasons a person of one ethnicity might be interested in the heritage of a person of a different ethnicity!

I am not white. There is no question that at sometime within the past 3 generations my family emigrated to this country. I wouldn’t find this question racist at all if asked of me. Having said that, if someone were to ask my UK born children they may not understand the question!

I work with a lot of black colleagues - I am often curious where they are from as it’s usually an important part of who they are - but tend wait for it to come up in conversation.

There is nothing wrong with being curious about someone's heritage, but if you ask a black person early on in a conversation about it, it comes off as racist. Once you've had a few conversations with someone, asking about their family is reasonable way to get those answers without being offensive. If you wouldn't ask a white person with a London accent, you are probably being racist.

Ethnically their originals/ancestry is elsewhere. This is fine as long as you don't say that they don't belong in the UK. Just asking where someone is from ethnically is fine.

Of course you would! When we had people with Scottish accents move in our street we asked them where they were from originally!!!

But you must have asked where the other black families were from as you know they are from various African countries?
I guess if he heard her accent and it was very strongly cockney then he could know that she was from London. As long as he didn't ask her and then refused her answer, trying to prompt her parental heritage, then I think it's probably ok.
I'd say it's a bit more unconscious bias rather than actual racism on his part though.

But if you had a London accent and someone, in London, asked you where you were from based on you not looking British, would that still be ok?

Happens to me all the time. It means where is your family from/what is your cultural mix? Seriously, not that deep.

Agree with pp about having to walk on eggshells being unhealthy. I'm not ashamed of my background and I'm happy to share of it's asked in good faith in a pleasant conversation.

When a senior royal aide repeatedly asked a prominent black charity boss where she was "really from", during a Buckingham Palace reception, it sparked an outcry. Being intrusively probed about your cultural and ethnic heritage is an unwelcome but frequent occurrence for many people. So what makes the question "where do you really come from" so loaded?

In the UK, most people are first or second generation migrants so the original cultural roots are quite strong. It's relevant to most of us, still.

WHAAT? That's the funniest thing I've ever heard.

Does that include as a question before "what's your name?"

But if I'm Black and have an English regional accent, it's bizarre to assume I'm from a different country.

Does that include as a question before "what's your name?"

Yes, actually. There's people I talk to on a daily basis without knowing their name. People have asked me this on the job, talking to members of the public. They were nice so I'm happy to answer.

Yes i agree. In fact, not asking when you are asking everyone else (at a new club or job or whatever) and sitting there eyes downcast when it's the black person's turn is in itself a racist act. Like you assume they have something to be ashamed of.