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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Keep quiet about will change

130 replies

Bronzemedal72 · 08/08/2024 08:38

Brief backstory

DM was difficult growing up.

I have since had children and forgiven her for her treatment of my Db and I. I realised parenting is hard and she had lots of external factors for her poor mental health and subsequent poor parenting. We have a good relationship now - I've put in boundaries and they work well, enabling her to be a very good grandmother.

My DB has never had children and about 8 years ago decided he couldn't have a relationship and cut off all contact with her. He has not seen or spoken to her since.

He and I have a fair relationship. We aren't particularly close but are there for each other. He has a minimal relationship with my children. Nothing has happened between us, he is just quite hapless at relationships and I gave up doing all the running a long time ago. I feel no I'll towards him and am fine with how our relationship is.

We lost our dad young, and my DM will was always 50/50 to my and DB

This year DM came to me and told me she has changed her will, leaving the majority of the inheritance to me and my DC. She has left a named amount to DB though she has not told me any of the details.

She has done this on her own, with no help from me and has asked that I do not mention it to my DB

AIBU to keep this from him? He still regularly jokes that we will be getting 50/50

DM is fairly fit so I don't see needing to deal with her will anytime soon thankfully, but I also do wonder if anyone has had this experience? When she does pass, I have this feeling that I will be pressured to spilt things 50/50 from DB but honestly have no idea where I'll stand considering she has split it to my DC too.

Any advice or experiences would be appreciated to help me process this in my own mind

Thanks x

OP posts:
OppsUpsSide · 08/08/2024 08:40

She has asked you not to, so I wouldn’t personally as it’s not your will and so not your place to tell other people of its contents.

PigOnStiIts · 08/08/2024 08:41

It would be illegal to gift your children’s money to him. If you want to give some of yours away to him, you’ll need to apply for a deed of variation.

Merryoldgoat · 08/08/2024 08:42

I think he’s a bit mad to think he’d benefit given he cut her out.

I’d suggest she leave a letter detailing her reasons for the change so at least there is some documentation and explanation.

DaisyDewks · 08/08/2024 08:45

Why should he get 50/50 when he has no contact. He's lucky to be getting any of it. No definitely don't go against your mother's wishes and tell him, that will cause trouble between you and your Mum. It's her will and her choice.

itsgettingweird · 08/08/2024 08:45

I think when the time comes it would be easier for you to pretend you didn't know either.

And she's asked you to keep quiet so that will benefit you.

I understand what you're saying. I understand why it sits uncomfortably for you.

But you have this information. And when the time comes (which doesn't sound imminent) if you want and can you can do a variation of deed to give your brother more of your share. But you can't give any of the state share left to others - eg your children.

Goldcushions2 · 08/08/2024 08:49

Her will, her choice.
Say nothing and don't ever let on you knew.
This could be years away.
Put it out of your mind.

If there is a huge difference, perhaps you could add to his amount, but ultimately that will be up to you.

TeenToTwenties · 08/08/2024 08:51

If he has a named sum in theory that could end up being more than you get anyway if it all goes in care.

Suggest not saying anything, but if your DB does joke about 50/50 you could always reply that she is under no obligation to do that and might leave it all to a cats home.

She may change the will again anyway.

Bouledeneige · 08/08/2024 08:53

I wouldn't tell him and pretend when she dies that you didn't know anything about it. However if you want to give him some of your share just do so. My friend got the whole of her DM's estate as she did the majority of the caring but she then split what she received with her brothers. You can do what you like with your own inheritance - you don't need to do anything legal.

Pigeonqueen · 08/08/2024 08:54

It’s not your business to share. I’d just keep quiet. Anything could happen between now and then anyway.

Pigeonqueen · 08/08/2024 08:55

PigOnStiIts · 08/08/2024 08:41

It would be illegal to gift your children’s money to him. If you want to give some of yours away to him, you’ll need to apply for a deed of variation.

Well no, you can do whatever you like with your money - once the money is the posters she can give her brother whatever she likes. It doesn’t have to be done legally through the will process.

minuette1 · 08/08/2024 08:55

One of my brothers cut my whole family out of his
life for reasons best known to himself. After he didn’t show up to our mum’s funeral my dad changed his will to leave everything to me and my other siblings. OP your brother may well be/feel justified in being estranged from your mum but he should know that comes with consequences and is foolish to assume he will benefit from her will. In your position I wouldn’t tell him, no good will come of it.

3luckystars · 08/08/2024 08:56

Pretend you don’t know.

It might not even be true so there is no point upsetting everyone.

muddyford · 08/08/2024 08:59

She has asked you not to say anything. If you are going to be dealing with her will after her death, keep to her spoken will before that.

Drogdab · 08/08/2024 08:59

I wouldn’t but I value my siblings. It sounds like he cut off contact because of the way you were both treated, you have just decided to keep contact.

wido · 08/08/2024 09:01

Sorry but my take is what an old boot of a move by your mother. 🧓 You split evenly to your children and don't cause them any further pain especially if you've been an old boot. Sometimes people can't be good parents as they were troubled so I understand. I also had a tricky mother.

Namechangenoooo · 08/08/2024 09:02

I have been you and I would urge your Mother to tell son whilst she is alive ,
or leave a very detailed letter of explanation to brother through solicitor .
The fall out can be very stressful without a detailed explanation.

Drogdab · 08/08/2024 09:03

It’s really horrible of your mother & will sour your relationship.

HonestMistake · 08/08/2024 09:05

Pigeonqueen · 08/08/2024 08:55

Well no, you can do whatever you like with your money - once the money is the posters she can give her brother whatever she likes. It doesn’t have to be done legally through the will process.

Show quote history

True. One good things about a deed of variation instead of a simple gift is that it eliminates any question of your estate having to pay inheritance tax on the money you pass over.

If, god forbid the OP died within 7 years of her mother then a simple gift of the money to her brother might have IHT implications whereas a DOV won't.

The other advantage is that if you're washing your hands of an inheritance from someone you loathed a DOV can enable you to walk away at the earliest opportunity and not have any communication about probate. But that doesn't apply to the OP who would be keeping some of the money and probably involved in behalf of her children.

OutwiththeOutCrowd · 08/08/2024 09:10

I don't think she is doing you a service here as the arrangement will probably compromise your relationship with your brother in the future. The extra money might be nice but would it be worth it emotionally?

Gogandthepeoplefromhonda · 08/08/2024 09:11

In your position I would gently encourage her to reconsider. Does she want her last move to be one that could cause long term division between you and your brother? Does she understand that by doing this she could be harming you?

I am one of four siblings and one of them has had no contact with my father for 9 years. He changed his Will to exclude that sibling, and to instead leave that 1/4 to the sibling’s children. This is obviously a fair division still, but the rest of us knew that the sibling who would miss out would never recover from the emotional blow of being excluded - like you there was some poor mental health/bad parenting that warranted the decision to cease contact, so the sibling felt justified in not seeing my father.

Gentle coercion eventually worked and my father changed his will back to a four way split between us.

Sparklfairy · 08/08/2024 09:11

wido · 08/08/2024 09:01

Sorry but my take is what an old boot of a move by your mother. 🧓 You split evenly to your children and don't cause them any further pain especially if you've been an old boot. Sometimes people can't be good parents as they were troubled so I understand. I also had a tricky mother.

It's her money, it's not his god given right to cut her out AND get half her estate. She's left him a sum, just not half.

I've cut off a parent and fully expect to be cut out of the will. There's a tiny chance that I'm not (or there is no will). But I don't want him in my life at all, and that includes his money. If I'm left anything it'll go straight to charity (probably one that he'd hate).

wido · 08/08/2024 09:16

@Sparklfairy** i think it's anyone's prerogative to reject a will payment but i think it's a dick move for a payment to differentiate between their kids. Kids come into the world equal and it leaves problems for the other siblings.

I think your situation is different. I also would take the money in your situation.

wido · 08/08/2024 09:17

Sorry parent not payment to differentiate

wido · 08/08/2024 09:17

Ffs I wouldn't take the money. Sorry for typos

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/08/2024 09:18

Since she's fairly young, healthy, and not a consistent or reasonable person (sorry) I would just say "Mmm hmm" when she mentions the will, and give it no further thought, and certainly not speak to your brother about it.

Your mother may or may not really have made this change, or any will at all. She may want to use it to influence your behaviour, or cause problems between you and your brother. She may change her mind many times over the next few decades, and have nothing to leave in the end anyway. Stick to the boundaries that are working for you, and take her with a grain of salt.