To Keep quiet about will change

[Bronzemedal72]

Brief backstory

DM was difficult growing up.

I have since had children and forgiven her for her treatment of my Db and I. I realised parenting is hard and she had lots of external factors for her poor mental health and subsequent poor parenting. We have a good relationship now - I've put in boundaries and they work well, enabling her to be a very good grandmother.

My DB has never had children and about 8 years ago decided he couldn't have a relationship and cut off all contact with her. He has not seen or spoken to her since.

He and I have a fair relationship. We aren't particularly close but are there for each other. He has a minimal relationship with my children. Nothing has happened between us, he is just quite hapless at relationships and I gave up doing all the running a long time ago. I feel no I'll towards him and am fine with how our relationship is.

We lost our dad young, and my DM will was always 50/50 to my and DB

This year DM came to me and told me she has changed her will, leaving the majority of the inheritance to me and my DC. She has left a named amount to DB though she has not told me any of the details.

She has done this on her own, with no help from me and has asked that I do not mention it to my DB

AIBU to keep this from him? He still regularly jokes that we will be getting 50/50

DM is fairly fit so I don't see needing to deal with her will anytime soon thankfully, but I also do wonder if anyone has had this experience? When she does pass, I have this feeling that I will be pressured to spilt things 50/50 from DB but honestly have no idea where I'll stand considering she has split it to my DC too.

Any advice or experiences would be appreciated to help me process this in my own mind

Thanks x

When DB1 told me what DM was doing with her will I told DB2.

IMO DB1 had put a lot of pressure on DM to exclude DB2 from her will. Not for DB1's benefit except that he was keen for DM to leave her estate in trust for the benefit of adult DGCs.

DB1 wants to control this trust so that he can dole out alms to DGC if he thinks they are worthy.

If DM has actually done this daft thing then she is likely to have nominated all three of us as trustees. I wanted to make DB2 aware so that he isn't caught on the hop.

While people can do what they like with their wills, they shouldn't use it to tie up the next generations.

If Op (or anyone) wants to make a gift to other person, can't they just 'give' it or is it a tax concern?

It's your mother's money and not you place to think anything of it until the money is in your hands. She told you things in confidence and you are now considering sharing this information despite her explicit instructions?
Whether he deserves the money or not is absolutely irrelevant. She could leave him 100% of her money and it is still entirely her business that you have no right to question.

There's no guarantee that your mother is even telling the truth about the will, so absolutely do not say anything about it to your brother - apart from the issue that siblings rarely experience the same parent, so he could have significant trauma from his childhood that he is unable to put aside, how would it help matters for you to tell him 'Actually, I'm getting everything and you're just getting a couple of quid to make sure you can't contest it', but then to find out he's getting an equal share or maybe even more?

I agree. Children cut contact with their parents only when they feel very aggrieved. He already feels that she didn’t care for him enough and this is the last message she leaves him.

My parents will leave nothing to us but I’ve made my mind up that my children will be treated equally in my will regardless of any circumstances.

when I die I want their last message, from me, to be that I loved them all equally. I’d rather they knew that when I’m alive …

You can just wait until the executors have handed it over and then give it to whoever they want, but if you die within 7 years of the gift then it may affect inheritance tax calculations on your own estate. Worst case scenario your children may end up paying tax that they wouldn't otherwise have had to pay.

If there are complicated things included like shares or property and probate takes a long time then there may be Capital Gains Tax implications as well.

Of course you say nothing - she asked to not say anything! If you do then DB is going to be straight round to your DM! Probably that's not going to go very well. Additionally you don't if anything will be left - she could spent a lot for her needs including a nursing home, private op or whatever. So nothing (or hardly anything) may come to you anyway.

You can't coerce someone regarding their will though! You may think it was acceptable because it wasn't in your favour, but coercion is wrong regardless of the motivation.

@Bronzemedal72 there is nothing you can do other than honour your Mum's wishes when the time comes. You're not answerable to your brother. It may be that you decide to share/give larger share, but don't ever allow yourself to be pressured.

The way I see it is that until the day the will is read, no one, not even you, knows what is in it.

Say nothing as you haven't anything to say on the matter.

So she was 'difficult' and a poor parent to him, and on top of that she's now largely cut him out of her will. A decision which will also most likely jeopardise her children's relationships with each other. Delightful.

This happened within my family. A named sum was left to a family friend and in the end they got more than anyone else as the rest had gone in care fees.

I'd have to tell her the most I'd be comfortable with was a equal three way spit with my children sharing 1/3.

Your brother shouldn't be penalised for being abused.

What do you hope to gain by telling your DB?

He doesn't talk to her, his choice, so surely he can't be expecting a payout on her demise?
All telling him will do is drive a wedge between you and DB.

Leave it alone, when the time comes, act surprised.

I also don't think you can forgive your mother for how she treated your brother. He's not obliged to.

I think it’s truly rotten of your mum.

You said she wasn’t a good mother to you and your brother. You may have chosen to forgive her but clearly your brother can’t which is completely fair enough.

And instead of your mother acknowledging her fault, that he has gone no contact because of her behaviour, she shows her spiteful true colours by removing him from the will. How fucking awful.

And you know this, yet, I suspect, because you want your children to inherit instead of him, you’re going to go along with her. Bravo.

Your mother has asked you not to, so I wouldn't.

However she should talk to him. He could get nasty when the time comes and he finds out and it's unfair to not to break it to him herself.

You have no idea how or when she is next going to change it so don’t allow her to manipulate you both with it.

iv had a family member who behaved the same. Wasn’t a great person then as they got older and the old manipulative behaviour didn’t work because everyone was adults they started making announcements about their will. Using it to punish or reward depending on her perception of her treatment by others.

just ignore it, you have no idea what will actually be in it until you see it you will only know what she tells you is in it and by telling him you are pulling him back into the manipulation he was trying to escape.

You can only ask your mother to tell him or for permission to do so

I agree.

also what’s the point of a will if everyone HAS to split things equally… why?
it’s literally call a “will” as in “this is my will” (ie my wishes)

Agree with this. He can’t have it both ways. If he wants to reject his mother (he has the right to) that should extend to any money. If he hates her that much why would he want anything off her?

ughh what double standards

Normally I would be on the side of sharing equally between the siblings.

However if one really has gone completely non contact then having expectations on what is going to happen re a will is unrealistic IMO.

What you choose to do with your share after the will is up to you.

However I expect there is a good chance that if you do not share with him then it will damage your relationship.

If you are cynical you might want to consider the long game, which a lot of people don't think about.

All these questions and how likely your brother is to fall out with you as a result of potentially not being treated equally might depend on how rich/currently happy you are and how much the money will impact your lives.

The fact that he is "joking" about getting 50:50 implies that he is expecting something and that that something is significant to him, otherwise he would not care or mention it.

agree with this and with other posters who said you can't give away your children's inheritance.

Anyway, she could change her mind again next week - and she really shouldn't have told you. It's not fair to put that pressure on someone else.

I'd say nothing and worry about it when it happens. Your brother may not need her money - or want it as he's cut her off.

Without sounding maudlin, anything could happen so wait until you know the circumstances at the time.

Not been able to read everything, but please make her realise that a set amount could actually leave you with nothing, if she ends up needing to sell assets to pay for care etc. It is far better for her to put in a percentage.

I wonder if the mums money was equally hers and her husbands? If so then I wonder what the husband would have wanted