To Keep quiet about will change

[Bronzemedal72]

Brief backstory

DM was difficult growing up.

I have since had children and forgiven her for her treatment of my Db and I. I realised parenting is hard and she had lots of external factors for her poor mental health and subsequent poor parenting. We have a good relationship now - I've put in boundaries and they work well, enabling her to be a very good grandmother.

My DB has never had children and about 8 years ago decided he couldn't have a relationship and cut off all contact with her. He has not seen or spoken to her since.

He and I have a fair relationship. We aren't particularly close but are there for each other. He has a minimal relationship with my children. Nothing has happened between us, he is just quite hapless at relationships and I gave up doing all the running a long time ago. I feel no I'll towards him and am fine with how our relationship is.

We lost our dad young, and my DM will was always 50/50 to my and DB

This year DM came to me and told me she has changed her will, leaving the majority of the inheritance to me and my DC. She has left a named amount to DB though she has not told me any of the details.

She has done this on her own, with no help from me and has asked that I do not mention it to my DB

AIBU to keep this from him? He still regularly jokes that we will be getting 50/50

DM is fairly fit so I don't see needing to deal with her will anytime soon thankfully, but I also do wonder if anyone has had this experience? When she does pass, I have this feeling that I will be pressured to spilt things 50/50 from DB but honestly have no idea where I'll stand considering she has split it to my DC too.

Any advice or experiences would be appreciated to help me process this in my own mind

Thanks x

Your children are not you.

DM had just two relatives (you and your brother) and did 50/50, you say.

She now has more than two relatives - you, your brother, grandchild 1, grandchild, etc.

If she leaves money to her grandchildren, that is not the same as leaving that money to you and you really should not be thinking of gifting their inheritance (I consider the money you will receive as part of their inheritance, too) to a man who has given up on his mum, can't be bothered to keep up a relationship with his sister and her children, but still feels entitled to 50% of the family assets.

The fact that he regularly brings up the will speaks to a venal nature, too. I don't know anyone who is that fixated on their inheritance from their parent that they mention it regularly.

Next time he mentions the 50/50 thing or the will thing, ask him if he has made a will leaving anything to you and your children. That might be a springboard for getting him to reflect on his expectations, and would clarify for you how he sees you and your children. If he doesn't intend to leave them anything, who should he expect you to leave them less well off, just to keep a pretty lukewarm relationship from going (further) down the pan.

Edited to add:

And please don't tell him. Your mum deserves to have her confidences kept, and neither she nor you need this entitled man harassing you, or bothering her when she is old and frail to change her will.

I wouldn’t mention it to him, she said not to. He can’t expect 50/50 or even anything if he’s cut her off, tho I can’t blame him for doing so. As mentioned, you can’t just give away your dc’s money.

Say nothing and pretend the conversation had never happened. He chose to go no contact so he shouldn’t be surprised of the consequences.

Parents of adult kids do not owe their kids anything in adulthood let alone equal shares in their will.

Your DM has asked you not to say anything.

So, why on earth would you?

Just forget you know about it.
In my experience, Will changers are serial offenders, so if she’s still fit and healthy this may not be the last version…
It may all be spent on care.
If the Will does stand - The named amount to your brother would be top of the list to be paid first, then anything left after that to you, so in 10/20 years time, it may be that your brother does better out of having a named sum if care fees become relevant. It’s about 6k a month round here, so soon burns through a modest estate.

Say and do nothing. You say your mum is fairly fit and obviously neither you or your brother are expected to die of old age anytime soon; a lot could change between now and when the contents of the will become relevant.

Your mum could need care in her later years which might leave nothing to divide. Why cause upset now when none of you know what the future holds.

If your brother is no contact then the only relationship this information will damage is the one between you and him.

I think it's unfair of your mum to tell you and ask you to keep it a secret.

Say nothing and pretend the conversation had never happened. He chose to go no contact so he shouldn’t be surprised of the consequences.

Parents of adult kids do not owe their kids anything in adulthood let alone equal shares in their will.

Whereas I think parents of adult dc who hurt their young children shouldn’t carry it into adulthood. The OP said herself the mother was a poor parent, the brother going no contact is a consequence of that.

Your brother shouldn't be making assumptions about inheritance. I can understand why your mother has made the decision she has, but it's going to cause her son pain, so 50/50 might have been better all round. However, it's her choice to make.

He doesn’t have no contact with her so he when the time comes he should think himself lucky he receives anything. What sort of an entitled person ‘jokes’ about receiving half of someone’s estate when they cut contact. Before I’d heard about the update of will I would have had to of questioned him as to why he thinks he’d get anything given the circumstances. You have a relationship with your mum and doesn’t sound like much of a relationship with your brother so why would you break her confidence to tell him something? What reason would you have for telling him? Whilst I think your mum shouldn’t of told you and expecting you not to say anything is unfair, it’s not your information to pass on

This. My mum said she was going to leave me everything as my sister went extremely low contact. Thank god she didn't as I don't want to loose my sister. My mum was really mentally and physically abusive. We both should be taken into care

Just worth pointing out, you say she has left a specific amount to your DB? If her financial situation changes dramatically, you might find your DB gets more than you and your DC.

This. She needs to leave a letter of wishes, stored with her Will that explains her reasoning

As already said, it would be a good idea for DM to write a letter explaining her actions & keep it with her will.

My late MIL did this when she left her only son a small token from a large estate.

I agree with this. Telling you this info, is a poisonous and manipulative move. Why did she need to tell you? Is it a veiled threat, to ensure you care for her as she ages?

Don't say anything to your brother. If he mentions the will being 50/50 again say it's up to her what she does with her money and you have no idea. I'd ask your Mum to leave a letter of explanation to go with the will. It's less likely to be challenged then. Also if you wanted you could give your dB a bit of the money left to you if you wanted to but would be under no obligation to do so. You don't see your dB much anyway.

It’s non of your business and not within your gift to share what she has told you. Just forget about it.
She might change her will again some time anyway.

When sadly the time comes, just shut your brother down. It’s not as if currently she’s left him out is it?

It’s actually none of your business to say or share with others what she’s done about her will.

I would ask your mother to write a letter to explain why she is not splitting 50/50, and to store that in the will.
Then I'd simply claim no knowledge when the time comes.

Say nothing. Until your DM has died it can be changed.

I think it's a really shit move of your Mum to do that. You admit she was a horrible Mum as you were growing up so it's not unreasonable for your brother not to want contact.

I would split the money with him 50/50.

If you don't intend to split the money then I think you should tell him what your Mum said. It's sneaky not to. It would give him a chance to contact her and either make up with her or tell her how he feels.
Lots of posters suggest you shouldn't go against the wishes of someone's will but that's rubbish and just used as an excuse to keep the money. The money would be yours to do what you wanted.

My Mum is including a sibling of mine that's behaved awfully over a long period of time. He is a really nasty person. He is like it to my Mum and my other two siblings. I encourage my Mum to split the money fairly though. It's the right thing to do. He is still her child and he is a product of her upbringing.

@Bronzemedal72 , it is very important that your mother writes a letter preferably in her own hand and signs and dates it. This should be witnessed preferably by the solicitor who holds the will and kept with the will.
My father did exactly this and when he died and my brother challenged the will, but gave up because of the letter. My dad was quite old when he made the change and he also under instruction from the solicitor obtained some sort of certificate of competence from his GP but it doesn’t sound like that will be an issue with your mum.

My mum recently told me that she has signed over her house to my sibling, my sibling lives with my mum and is her carer so I probably would have been okay with it if there had been a conversation about it but I know that my dad would not have wanted it to be that way. I was in regular contact with my mum and visited at least twice a week when it was her home and thought we were close. I know she doesn’t owe me an inheritance but it has irreparably damaged our relationship the way it was done. I don’t particularly like my sibling, and they are not even very nice to my mum but my mum feels she has to put up with it as having my sibling there means she can stay in her house. My mum says she was not coerced and it’s her decision but both me and my sibling have POA so I’m not sure if her solicitor has done the right thing. Short of a legal challenge there’s nothing to be done so I’ve gone LC with my mum as I can’t face going round to the house that’s now my sibling’s.

I think it's unfair of her to have told you any of this in the first place, it's genuinely not your business until she passes.

And your brother is crass to be 'joking' about an inheritance that only comes about at the death of a parent!

I've had to go NC with my extended family for quite serious reasons and have no expectation to be included in any sort of will/inheritance. I wouldn't want it, my mother always used money to make me feel beholden to her in some way. So I don't really understand why your brother would even want/need/expect it at all.

I hope that when she dies and you inherit, you'll split the amount you inherit with your brother so you each inherit 50% It's a very unfair will, and your mother is setting her own son up for such pain ....

It seems unlikely that a 50/50 split will be possible, or even desirable, because the OPs' mother has left a share directly to the grandchildren which cannot be changed by the OP.

The OP could give 50% of her personal inheritance to her brother, presumably minus the amount he was specifically left.

I don't see why she should feel obliged to give her brother half. She will end up doing a lot of the care and decision making, while he won't.