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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Keep quiet about will change

130 replies

Bronzemedal72 · 08/08/2024 08:38

Brief backstory

DM was difficult growing up.

I have since had children and forgiven her for her treatment of my Db and I. I realised parenting is hard and she had lots of external factors for her poor mental health and subsequent poor parenting. We have a good relationship now - I've put in boundaries and they work well, enabling her to be a very good grandmother.

My DB has never had children and about 8 years ago decided he couldn't have a relationship and cut off all contact with her. He has not seen or spoken to her since.

He and I have a fair relationship. We aren't particularly close but are there for each other. He has a minimal relationship with my children. Nothing has happened between us, he is just quite hapless at relationships and I gave up doing all the running a long time ago. I feel no I'll towards him and am fine with how our relationship is.

We lost our dad young, and my DM will was always 50/50 to my and DB

This year DM came to me and told me she has changed her will, leaving the majority of the inheritance to me and my DC. She has left a named amount to DB though she has not told me any of the details.

She has done this on her own, with no help from me and has asked that I do not mention it to my DB

AIBU to keep this from him? He still regularly jokes that we will be getting 50/50

DM is fairly fit so I don't see needing to deal with her will anytime soon thankfully, but I also do wonder if anyone has had this experience? When she does pass, I have this feeling that I will be pressured to spilt things 50/50 from DB but honestly have no idea where I'll stand considering she has split it to my DC too.

Any advice or experiences would be appreciated to help me process this in my own mind

Thanks x

OP posts:
Aligirlbear · 08/08/2024 22:59

Pigeonqueen · 08/08/2024 08:55

Well no, you can do whatever you like with your money - once the money is the posters she can give her brother whatever she likes. It doesn’t have to be done legally through the will process.

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She can only do this if the money is left to her (OP). If the DC are named specifically in the will this cannot just be handed over to someone else - a deed of variation would be needed in this instance - all depends on the wording of the will.

HonestMistake · 08/08/2024 23:08

Aligirlbear · 08/08/2024 22:59

She can only do this if the money is left to her (OP). If the DC are named specifically in the will this cannot just be handed over to someone else - a deed of variation would be needed in this instance - all depends on the wording of the will.

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She couldn't give the DC's money to her brother even by deed of variation. They could do it if they're adults, but it would be impossible if they're children.

CranfordScones · 08/08/2024 23:41

"It's your money to leave as you wish" is the only response I'd ever give.

Bearing in mind people say lots of things about future bequests that aren't necessarily true, and that wills can be changed at almost any time.

pinkstripeycat · 08/08/2024 23:43

Merryoldgoat · 08/08/2024 08:42

I think he’s a bit mad to think he’d benefit given he cut her out.

I’d suggest she leave a letter detailing her reasons for the change so at least there is some documentation and explanation.

She has. It’s called a will

Lyraloo · 09/08/2024 18:24

itsgettingweird · 08/08/2024 08:45

I think when the time comes it would be easier for you to pretend you didn't know either.

And she's asked you to keep quiet so that will benefit you.

I understand what you're saying. I understand why it sits uncomfortably for you.

But you have this information. And when the time comes (which doesn't sound imminent) if you want and can you can do a variation of deed to give your brother more of your share. But you can't give any of the state share left to others - eg your children.

I don’t think she should, I’m a firm believer in a persons wishes being upheld. Her dm doesn’t want to leave him half and has an amount in mind that she is happy with, it’s not for op to go against those wishes and give him more. He is the one that has chosen not to have anything to do with his mother, I wouldn’t leave him anything, he’s a self entitled brat to even assume she will leave him half her money when he’s turned his back on her!

TheTruthWillSetYouFreeMaybe · 09/08/2024 19:08

i would. It say anything - her decision and tbh she could still change her mind again. However - if she has given him a named sum (which would take priority) and you ‘everything that is left’ , once bills, debts, taxes , and funeral costs etc have been take off - depending on amounts - you might not be left with a huge sum anyway

Lollipop81 · 09/08/2024 20:54

No point addressing it until the time comes. Anything could happen between now and then so no point stirring things up for now

Bluebonnet100 · 09/08/2024 23:06

My mother did this with my sister and me. She was not a bad mother, a little self-centered, but all-in-all, could have been much worse. My sister treated her awfully. Momma wanted to cut out my sister 100%, but I begged her not to do that because I would be left having to deal with the fall-out. Kept the will at 60/40 and I was the executrix, so I did not have to show her (DSis) the will. She was extremely satisfied with her portion and never questioned the actual total amount of the estate. Thank goodness.

if your mother is still mentally sound, I would highly suggest she sit down and write a letter explaining why she has done what she has done. Get her signature witnessed, preferably at her solicitor’s office, and keep it with her new will. This way you will also have impartial witnesses, if necessary, that will be able to certify she was competent to make this decision and there was no undue influence by you. Plus, keep the will and letter either at the solicitor’s office or a bank safe deposit box to which your brother has no access. We had to do this as my sister is quite the snoop.

Hopefully, it will be many years before your DM passes on. Take care.

Cactusmad · 10/08/2024 08:15

So brother is not that traumatised by upbringing that mother’s money is a trigger. If he’s broken family ties this means everything including her money. She’s leaving him something, if he’s cut her out he should refuse it . Money brings out the worst in people.

Pigeonqueen · 10/08/2024 08:52

Cactusmad · 10/08/2024 08:15

So brother is not that traumatised by upbringing that mother’s money is a trigger. If he’s broken family ties this means everything including her money. She’s leaving him something, if he’s cut her out he should refuse it . Money brings out the worst in people.

I don’t agree with this. My Mum was extremely abusive, so much so that I was taken into care as a child for periods of time. She was an alcoholic and had schizophrenia. When she died I inherited enough money to pay off my mortgage and to not work again. Why would I refuse that? It goes some short way to compensating me for the utterly shit childhood I had. It’s not as black and white as people think when it comes to money etc.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 10/08/2024 08:57

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/08/2024 09:18

Since she's fairly young, healthy, and not a consistent or reasonable person (sorry) I would just say "Mmm hmm" when she mentions the will, and give it no further thought, and certainly not speak to your brother about it.

Your mother may or may not really have made this change, or any will at all. She may want to use it to influence your behaviour, or cause problems between you and your brother. She may change her mind many times over the next few decades, and have nothing to leave in the end anyway. Stick to the boundaries that are working for you, and take her with a grain of salt.

Agree with this.

Her telling you about the will change is a continuation of the poor parenting you experienced growing up. Was DB often a scapegoat back then? Did she play the two of you off against each other?

Don't get drawn into getting involved in her poor behaviour, draw clear boundaries and distance yourself.

TarantinoIsAMisogynist · 10/08/2024 09:01

LemonTreeGrove · 08/08/2024 16:03

Sometimes when someone stops contact it's because they can't cope with seeing the parent because they were the scapegoat. Obviously in that situation it's easier for the person who wasn't the scapegoat to remain in contact.

The person who wasnt the scapegoat rarely admits they were treated better though. If the scapegoat then is treated worse in the will that compounds the mistreatment as a child and feeling of rejection. Something to consider as it may affect your relationship if you accept preferential treatment in the will over your brother.

I also strongly suspect that the brother was the scapegoat here.

Boomer55 · 10/08/2024 09:04

otravezempezamos · 08/08/2024 13:07

Agree with this. He can’t have it both ways. If he wants to reject his mother (he has the right to) that should extend to any money. If he hates her that much why would he want anything off her?

ughh what double standards

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This.

The mother is entitled to leave her money to whoever she likes, and if the son wants no contact, then I wouldn’t think he’d want any payout from her..🤷‍♀️

Musiclover234 · 10/08/2024 09:05

This happened to a friend of mine. Couldn’t cope with the guilt even though it was changed because of the relationship they had with their mum. Mum passed away not long after and my friend ended up sharing it equally between all siblings.

Requests it now because it didn’t change the relationships and siblings contact dwindled away again

Cactusmad · 10/08/2024 09:17

The money situation can be black and white, some refuse it as it’s all tied together.

daliesque · 10/08/2024 09:45

Children cut contact with their parents only when they feel very aggrieved. He already feels that she didn’t care for him enough and this is the last message she leaves him.

My mother was a complete bitch to one of my sisters and I throughout her life. She didn't have much to leave when she died, but the bit she did have was very obviously left to her "favourite" children - our three younger siblings- and their children. We'd had years of being treated like shit and that was the final fuck you.

If she had maybe left us a trinket or something it would have gone a little way to making up for her treatment of us but hey, fucking bitch to the end.

Flossyts · 10/08/2024 09:50

Shes not asking you not to tell the brother though, she’s asking you to not tell the brother only whilst she’s alive! Of course he will find out once the will is read - it’s just that you’ll have to deal with the fall out rather than her!
Somewhat selfish decision. Depending on the amount left, he may also contest the will (and possibly win).

Lyraloo · 10/08/2024 10:02

Flossyts · 10/08/2024 09:50

Shes not asking you not to tell the brother though, she’s asking you to not tell the brother only whilst she’s alive! Of course he will find out once the will is read - it’s just that you’ll have to deal with the fall out rather than her!
Somewhat selfish decision. Depending on the amount left, he may also contest the will (and possibly win).

On what grounds do you think he’d win? He’s an adult, he has no contact with her, he’s not financially dependent on her! There are no grounds to contest the will. Simply being related to someone is not grounds to change someone’s wishes on what they want to do with THEIR money!

JournalistEmily · 10/08/2024 10:07

Your mum sounds like a right piece of work tbh. Doing that to your brother because he refused to put up with her shit and then telling you just to put you in a super awkward position. Nice

Pigeonqueen · 10/08/2024 10:29

Cactusmad · 10/08/2024 09:17

The money situation can be black and white, some refuse it as it’s all tied together.

I guess it depends on your views on death etc. For me once my Mum was dead, she was dead. I’m an only child. Mum had no other relatives. So what good would it do anyone me refusing any inheritance? Utterly pointless. She’s not going to see me benefiting from her money.

I think for a lot of people who have very abusive or difficult childhoods they see any money as a bonus in a very shit situation.

Cactusmad · 10/08/2024 12:50

The brother has set himself apart from his mother and all that emotional baggage will be brought back up . She may spend it while she’s alive and that’s hers to do that . The sister seems caught in the middle. He may be able to block out where the money is from . Some people want a clean break from a dysfunctional family and that includes stuff and money. Everyone is different.

Gogogo12345 · 10/08/2024 12:55

Pigeonqueen · 08/08/2024 08:55

Well no, you can do whatever you like with your money - once the money is the posters she can give her brother whatever she likes. It doesn’t have to be done legally through the will process.

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Yes out of what's left to HER not our of what's left to the children

Pigeonqueen · 10/08/2024 12:57

Gogogo12345 · 10/08/2024 12:55

Yes out of what's left to HER not our of what's left to the children

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Well yes, obviously.

Lyraloo · 10/08/2024 13:15

Gogogo12345 · 10/08/2024 12:55

Yes out of what's left to HER not our of what's left to the children

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You cannot just give away money without tax implications!

seriesoffortunateevents · 10/08/2024 13:22

Shocked at these grabby responses. Nowt like family when it comes to money eh. Personally I’d be asking my mother to change it back to 5050 as your brother had a hard time growing up. And as much as you’ve forgiven her he can’t, to have his sister also scre him over is so damaging. So no I’d ask her to change it and I’d tell him.