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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To Keep quiet about will change

130 replies

Bronzemedal72 · 08/08/2024 08:38

Brief backstory

DM was difficult growing up.

I have since had children and forgiven her for her treatment of my Db and I. I realised parenting is hard and she had lots of external factors for her poor mental health and subsequent poor parenting. We have a good relationship now - I've put in boundaries and they work well, enabling her to be a very good grandmother.

My DB has never had children and about 8 years ago decided he couldn't have a relationship and cut off all contact with her. He has not seen or spoken to her since.

He and I have a fair relationship. We aren't particularly close but are there for each other. He has a minimal relationship with my children. Nothing has happened between us, he is just quite hapless at relationships and I gave up doing all the running a long time ago. I feel no I'll towards him and am fine with how our relationship is.

We lost our dad young, and my DM will was always 50/50 to my and DB

This year DM came to me and told me she has changed her will, leaving the majority of the inheritance to me and my DC. She has left a named amount to DB though she has not told me any of the details.

She has done this on her own, with no help from me and has asked that I do not mention it to my DB

AIBU to keep this from him? He still regularly jokes that we will be getting 50/50

DM is fairly fit so I don't see needing to deal with her will anytime soon thankfully, but I also do wonder if anyone has had this experience? When she does pass, I have this feeling that I will be pressured to spilt things 50/50 from DB but honestly have no idea where I'll stand considering she has split it to my DC too.

Any advice or experiences would be appreciated to help me process this in my own mind

Thanks x

OP posts:
lizzyBennet08 · 08/08/2024 15:38

Honestly I'm always a bit shocked that people who have fallen out with the parents and have been no contact etc are 'shocked ' when they don't receive an exactly equal split with out siblings or indeed entire estate: surely no contact means waving goodbye to their money?

Ohwellithappens · 08/08/2024 15:52

So my mother left a "token" amount to a grand child in a will. The rest to be split with me and my sister....after many years of care costs that token amount is now the largest share. No one ever thought that would happen and my mother didn't feel comfortable to reduce the amount the grandchild would have.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 08/08/2024 15:55

She asked you not to
That's all there is to it

LemonTreeGrove · 08/08/2024 16:03

Sometimes when someone stops contact it's because they can't cope with seeing the parent because they were the scapegoat. Obviously in that situation it's easier for the person who wasn't the scapegoat to remain in contact.

The person who wasnt the scapegoat rarely admits they were treated better though. If the scapegoat then is treated worse in the will that compounds the mistreatment as a child and feeling of rejection. Something to consider as it may affect your relationship if you accept preferential treatment in the will over your brother.

ThisKookyBlueSnake · 08/08/2024 16:06

So he cut off all contact and still expects her to give him half of everything? Bit cheeky. If it was me I'd give his part to a donkey sanctuary 🐴

DisforDarkChocolate · 08/08/2024 16:15

Lots of people here not understanding the impact of childhood abuse. Very sad.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 08/08/2024 16:27

Say nothing. Who knows what the situation will be when she dies. If there is pressure after, tell him you are going to honor her wishes. And that is the end of it.

DeeLight00 · 08/08/2024 17:10

DisforDarkChocolate · 08/08/2024 16:15

Lots of people here not understanding the impact of childhood abuse. Very sad.

I agree.

Original poster
Bronzemedal72 · 08/08/2024 17:23

Thank you so much for the replies and the advice. Has certainly given me food for thought.

I agree that things could change, and i agree that right now, saying nothing is best at present because I have no actual idea what the actual will says (or will say in years to come) I am a terrible liar though so how I'll follow it through when the time comes is beyond me!!!

I had certainly never considered maybe she told me as part of a plan to maybe get the news back to my DB in order to establish some type of reconciliation. I'd like to think this isn't so, but I'm definitely going to get involved in those games. I now refuse to be the go between and although I have tried to get them both in a room together I've found it far too draining to continue.

Our childhood was difficult at times and I wouldn't want to fall out with my DB over money. I don't particularly feel angry on his behalf, there are times when he has had a role to play in the break down of their relationship too. He can be just as difficult. But I won't see him go without and I hope that she had some good legal advice on how to spilt the money so that it's not too hard to do this. I'm not entirely sure he would do the same in reverse but I endeavour to be true to myself when the time comes and be fair.

OP posts:
keepYourDogQuiet · 08/08/2024 17:26

So you will be keeping the cash then 😅

Code4040 · 08/08/2024 17:26

Keep quiet.
Your DM asked you to, so that's what you should do.

Original poster
Bronzemedal72 · 08/08/2024 17:28

keepYourDogQuiet · 08/08/2024 17:26

So you will be keeping the cash then 😅

From what I understand I can't give away anything given to my DC

OP posts:
DisforDarkChocolate · 08/08/2024 17:29

From your update I really think you need to step away from your mother, she's turned you into a flying monkey and it will mess with your head just as much as it will hurt your brother.

Your mother was (is) abusive to your brother, why try and get them in the same room? It wasn't ever going to be for his benefit.

He doesn't 'give as good as he gets'. He's an adult dealing with the impact of an abusive childhood. You have chosen contact and it feels like you judge him for not doing the same.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 08/08/2024 17:32

My db was a pretty useless son. There wasn’t a huge amount left from care home fees when my mum died, the sisters got about £15,000 each, db got £400.
We didn’t know she was going to do this and we respected her wishes.

hairbearbunches · 08/08/2024 17:59

I just don't get this will business. If you choose to have kids, however many kids, then you split what you have fairly between them all. The ONLY time that would be inappropriate is if one of the kids ended up doing something appalling like murdering someone or child abuse. Cutting people out because they haven't done something or stepped up or been the child you wanted them to be is just shitty behaviour.

No-one asks to be born and life would be a whole heap easier if things were done more fairly. There's enough inequality as it is. Having to put up with it within families is beyond the pale, in my opinion.

I'd be advising your DM to keep it 50:50. How would you feel if the boot were on the other foot?

mitogoshi · 08/08/2024 18:03

No I would not say anything, for three reasons, she may change her mind, she may be saying it to gauge your reaction and she hasn't actually done it, and finally, more importantly, it may all be spent on care bar a few thousand to cover her funeral - seen this scenario before, siblings falling out and in reality there was nothing.

All that said your mum should speak to him really, but definitely not you

Andthereitis · 08/08/2024 18:17

Until she's dead you don't actually know what it says in the will.

ChristmasFluff · 08/08/2024 18:29

I'd keep quiet and them give him 50% of whatever she left me. IF she carries this through (I suspect she will, cos no-one goes NC with a person like this without there being consequences).

She's also trying to create problems between you and your brother from beyond the grave. Don't let her.

rickyrickygrimes · 08/08/2024 18:45

Parents of adult kids do not owe their kids anything in adulthood let alone equal shares in their will.

This isn’t some universal law. in France children can’t be disinherited, no matter what the fault / blame is on either side.

it’s hard to advise, OP. But I think in your shoes I would encourage your mum to give whatever she wants to her grandchildren and split the rest 50:50. It sounds like your DB suffered a lot. If you hadn’t had kids, do you think you would have forgiven your mum in the way that you have ?

DazedAndConfused321 · 08/08/2024 18:51

It's very normal for people to leave a equal amount to children and grandchildren- even if that means it seems unfair. E.G. 20% each for children and granchildren.

I wouldn't worry. Unless you're getting millions and he's getting a tenner! It makes sense that as you're still in contact you would get more.

Unescorted · 08/08/2024 18:56

I am in she is an old boot camp. Why did she feel the need to tell you. She could have changed it without your knowledge so the relationship between you and your brother could be protected and preserved. Telling you has served no purpose other than to garner obligated support from you and drive a wedge between you and your brother after her death.

What a nasty thing to do.

Pandasandtigers · 08/08/2024 18:57

She has treated him poorly throughout his childhood, then disinherited him because he said this was not ok, what a vile parent.

Keep the money if you like, depends if it’s worth loosing a brother, as I doubt he will talk to you again after he has discovered what’s happened.

Sweetpeasaremadeforbees · 08/08/2024 19:06

I am generally of the view that inheritance should be split equally between siblings BUT I think your DB is being a CF to expect a 50/50 split when he chose to go NC with his DM and not speak to her for 8 years. If I'd fallen out with someone to that extent I wouldn't want one penny of their money.

I agree with just about everyone, keep quiet and and actually see what money is there and how it is split when your DM has died.

RickiRaccoon · 08/08/2024 19:16

I read a case just yesterday where the judge commented on how sad it was to have yet another falling out between siblings because of the parents splitting the inheritance unequally -- so be prepared for this scenario! The daughter who wanted more wasn't talking to her father either and then wasn't speaking to her sister who got the house while she got the car.
Your brother might be less resentful if it is split, not 50/50, but at least equally between you, your children and him. That could be perceived as a 'fair' split but sort of honours your mother's wishes.

DeeLight00 · 08/08/2024 22:53

If your mother does do as she says...if I were you I'd offer to split the money equally once she's dead. Your brother may or may not, take you up on this, but what it does do, is the clear the path for you both to forge a harmonious, respectful relationship going forward and to hopefully lead happy lives, whilst putting an end to generational trauma and toxicity. It's a chance to heal. Your poor brother must have really suffered to cut her off.

Your mother sounds like a toxic witch. She's still playing games.