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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

386 replies

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:13

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 07/08/2024 14:21

I would not pay towards a mortgage of a house I had no part of but otoh you don't have the right to live rent free.

Perhaps there's a compromise?

You won't contribute to his mortgage without legally having some part of it in line with your contributions but you will pay extra on the bills, and/or buy all the groceries etc in recognition of the fact that you are not paying rent (rent being a perfectly normal expectation of an adult) so that your overall contribution to the household includes an element recognised as rent?

BloodyAdultDC · 07/08/2024 14:22

Move out. He doesn't want to make this commitment to you.

FatfunandADHD · 07/08/2024 14:22

My honest advice would be to run to the nearest estate agents and buy yourself another property. Financial disagreements are a huge red flag for me.

I think you have done the right thing NOT paying into his house and I would not do so either under a declaration of trust now he has shown his true colours.

IncompleteSenten · 07/08/2024 14:22

Meant to say that the other option is to move out and go back to just dating or stop being a couple, because this seems like a pretty big issue and one that often is difficult to solve.

BlackShuck3 · 07/08/2024 14:23

FatfunandADHD · 07/08/2024 14:22

My honest advice would be to run to the nearest estate agents and buy yourself another property. Financial disagreements are a huge red flag for me.

I think you have done the right thing NOT paying into his house and I would not do so either under a declaration of trust now he has shown his true colours.

I agree with this and would add to keep your cards close to your chest, ie don't trust him!

Itsajobones · 07/08/2024 14:24

FatfunandADHD · 07/08/2024 14:22

My honest advice would be to run to the nearest estate agents and buy yourself another property. Financial disagreements are a huge red flag for me.

I think you have done the right thing NOT paying into his house and I would not do so either under a declaration of trust now he has shown his true colours.

This!

Jellycatspyjamas · 07/08/2024 14:24

Make sure the proceeds of your house sale are somewhere secure and not in the joint account - that’s a lot of security you’ve lost to become his flatmate.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 14:24

Move out, he doesn't think you should have any reasonable financial boundaries, he has a control issue which WILL show up else where in your relationship eventually.

LaJoconde · 07/08/2024 14:24

BloodyAdultDC · 07/08/2024 14:22

Move out. He doesn't want to make this commitment to you.

I agree, sorry.

LaJoconde · 07/08/2024 14:25

And buy something that your name’s on quick!

Madamecholetsbonnet · 07/08/2024 14:26

I agree with PP.

Make plans to buy your own place without him and move out. I bet he won’t be keen to date if you aren’t gifting him the equity from your sale.

He must think you are thick as 💩

VisitationRights · 07/08/2024 14:26

Do you still have the proceeds from your sale? As others have said, if you can, buy another place.

HamHands · 07/08/2024 14:26

Personally, I'd agree to pay half the mortgage sum into a specific account in your name until the fixed rate has ended. Once the mortgage comes up for renewal and your name is put against it, then I would I would add the money saved to your original deposit. How long is the fixed rate?

ActualChips · 07/08/2024 14:27

I was horrified when I read the bit where you chose to sell your asset and throw money at a boyfriends mortgage which you're not on the deeds for? This is diabolical.
Dump the boyfriend and regain financial security. You can date him if you feel the need, but keep everything separate to this man. You have no legal protections, you no longer have your house, and the relationship is not going to last with the fighting and inequality.

Bouliegirl · 07/08/2024 14:28

Absolutely do not pay off his mortgage without having the right legal protections in place!!!

in your case; I’d buy your own flat

Precipice · 07/08/2024 14:29

You'd be mad to use the proceeds from your house sale to buy HIM unencumbered ownership of his house.

Sunny1234567 · 07/08/2024 14:29

Secure your future and buy a property in only your name.

Meadowwild · 07/08/2024 14:29

Talk to each other! A proper talk. Talk about the practical issues surrounding money - yours, his, shared, savings, outgoings, income, and also the emotional impact money has on each of you and on your relationship.

Discuss why each of you has reacted so differently from what the other hoped and expected. Discuss what each of you thinks the other meant by that, and what you each actually meant by it.
Discuss a transparent and fair division of costs and access to funds and entitlement to ownership each and together, going forward.

If you can't have this discussion and feel happier and closer at the end of it, then recognise this will be a real issue later on.

People should be able to talk honestly about money, especially if there are emotional issues surrounding it.

ErickBroch · 07/08/2024 14:30

Please don't give him any of your money! Especially towards the mortgage! Sorry OP. He doesn't sound nice.

Original poster
helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:30

I do pay the mortgage and have been doing since February when we set up the joint account which both our salaries go into and all the bills including the mortgage come out of.

I still have the money in a separate account from the sale of my property.

If it comes to me buying another property then I don't want to continue with the relationship. It just feels like going backwards than forwards.

OP posts:
Insidelaurashead · 07/08/2024 14:30

My DP moved into my house and I have a mortgage. We decided to split it so we pay 50% of the bills each, utilities and council tax etc etc. He pays more than I do for the Virgin Media, as we have a package with sports channels that he wanted-fine. I also cancelled my netflix and amazon prime and use his. He spends more than I do on food shopping. I own my car, he pays half the petrol as we go everwhere together, I pay the insurance for my asset.

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 14:31

Never mind the "rent" - you were going to pay off a chunk of his mortgage without a share of equity??? Without being married?? Without your own place?

Maybe you want to come and lodge at mine on the same terms?

I think you know how unreasonably foolish this is OP. That's why the stalemate on the issue.

BlackShuck3 · 07/08/2024 14:33

It looks as if the declaration of trust made him furious, that's how he feels about trusting you. In other words this man is incapable of seeing you as an equal, he will only tolerate you if he is the owner and you have to pay rent to him.
I would humour him while you get everything organised and then let him come home to find you gone.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 14:33

So you're already paying towards his mortgage.... why does he think you should pay him rent then?

That makes no sense unless it's to punish you for daring to be financially literate and not just paying his mortgage off in one swoop for him.

ColourBlockMatch · 07/08/2024 14:33

Thank goodness you haven’t paid off a lump of his mortgage. I am shuddering at the very idea.

Get out now.