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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

386 replies

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:13

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

OP posts:
HaveSomeIntrospect · 07/08/2024 14:49

You are paying his mortgage from a joint account. What rent is he talking about, you are already paying towards his house?

titchy · 07/08/2024 14:49

HamHands · 07/08/2024 14:26

Personally, I'd agree to pay half the mortgage sum into a specific account in your name until the fixed rate has ended. Once the mortgage comes up for renewal and your name is put against it, then I would I would add the money saved to your original deposit. How long is the fixed rate?

This is what OP is planning, but obviously she needs the deed of trust to do this otherwise she is giving him all her money. He's not now prepared to agree to this.

As others have said, move out. Reinvest your money in another property. Maybe suggest he sells his house and gives you the proceeds... see how he likes that.

But this doesn't sound like a good relationship.

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 14:49

@Bigcat25
I think paying a certain amount of rent (bc we all have to pay for housing) is fair...

No, that is not fair. If he was paying rent, then it would be fair to share that expense. As it stands, he is paying monthly for an asset that the OP will have no share in. OP is paying out of her assets, he is paying into his assets. It's not the same at all.

I wish women would wise up to this common scheme.

Mumski45 · 07/08/2024 14:50

Commitment works both ways. If you pay off part of his mortgage then you are making a commitment to him. With out the declaration of trust he is not making any commitment to you.

Can you not explain that 'commitment needs to come from both sides.

AngelusBell · 07/08/2024 14:50

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:13

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

I would buy yourself another house. Definitely don’t pay him rent and don’t tell him your plans. Be pleasant but move fast. Rent a spare room fit com for a few months if you need to.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 07/08/2024 14:51

Is there some particular reason that he didn't also sell his place and you buy a place together? Because that seems to be the only way that this kind of arrangement is ever going to work.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 14:51

No, that is not fair. If he was paying rent, then it would be fair to share that expense. As it stands, he is paying monthly for an asset that the OP will have no share in. OP is paying out of her* assets, he is paying into his assets. It's not the same at all. *

Why is it not fair for her to pay any rent? I wouldn’t let a man live with me rent free.

Sinderalla · 07/08/2024 14:52

Buy another house.
Somewhere to go when/if it goes wrong.

rainfordays · 07/08/2024 14:52

What a clown (him, not you). He is trying to get you to buy his house FOR HIM, knowing you would have no claim on the house and would never be able to get your money back. Either he's genuinely stupid (unlikely) or he is actively trying to manipulate you into a position where he has all the power in the relationship and you can never leave because you've sacrificed all your independence and money. If he was actually interested in making this a partnership, he'd be invested in protecting your assets as well as his own. Get rid, get gone and never look back (sounds flippant and easier said than done, but this guy just does not sound worth your time - don't throw good time after bad in this relationship, he's shown you his true colours and they are not pretty).

andfinallyhereweare · 07/08/2024 14:53

house in your name too or married. Do not pay anything off without it. No way.

JazbayGrapes · 07/08/2024 14:58

He has a bridge to sell you...

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 14:58

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 14:51

No, that is not fair. If he was paying rent, then it would be fair to share that expense. As it stands, he is paying monthly for an asset that the OP will have no share in. OP is paying out of her* assets, he is paying into his assets. It's not the same at all. *

Why is it not fair for her to pay any rent? I wouldn’t let a man live with me rent free.

The answer is right there above your question. I wrote it out for those who don't get it.

Well, I wouldn't pay your mortgage for you and most men wouldn't either. In my experience, the one's who have money to spare, are wise enough not to do that sort of stupid thing.
You don't have to move anyone in.

As it stands, I own my home and if (I doubt it) I ever was to co-habit, the rule number one would be NO rent payments. That one asset would never be a part of any relationship.

Bigcat25 · 07/08/2024 14:59

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 14:49

@Bigcat25
I think paying a certain amount of rent (bc we all have to pay for housing) is fair...

No, that is not fair. If he was paying rent, then it would be fair to share that expense. As it stands, he is paying monthly for an asset that the OP will have no share in. OP is paying out of her assets, he is paying into his assets. It's not the same at all.

I wish women would wise up to this common scheme.

There's also a lot of sunk costs in owning. Mortgage interest, insurance, property tax, maintenance etc. Op can get interest from investments. They could just split bills, or she could pay a small amount of rent. Obviously his communication style is an issue.

Howtobekind · 07/08/2024 15:01

Am I understanding correctly OP - you already pay the mortgage payment. So he wants you to do that AND pay rent?

StripeyDeckchair · 07/08/2024 15:02

Buy a house/flat for yourself with your money & mortgage and move out into it.
Both of you manage your own money separately and have your own assets.

NEVER hand over your hard earned money to someone else without a clear legal agreement in place.

SarahB88 · 07/08/2024 15:02

Stop giving him money towards the mortgage if you aren’t getting anything back from it.

When my partner moved in with me we agreed he’d contribute to half of the monthly mortgage payment as he wasn’t able to get a lump sum together (he used to live abroad for a long time and was renting for a couple of years before we met) to buy his way in to the mortgage and I wasn’t due to remortgage for a little while. Come remortgage time I’ve added him on as he has been paying his dues since moving in and now it’s our mortgage on our property as we contribute equally. We’ve not sorted our joint account yet so he continues to send me his half of all the bills every month as they come out of my account. If that’s not what your partner is wanting to do then I’d be concerned and look to secure my own property and stop paying him as others have said. You’ve been reasonable and practicable trying to arrange things and he’s not interested.

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 15:03

Well this sounds healthy 😬

Sorry OP but he doesn't want to commit to you. He's in the position of strength and wants to keep it that way.

Positivenancy · 07/08/2024 15:03

If you are paying towards the mortgage then what is the rent for??

yeesh · 07/08/2024 15:05

You are mad to put up with this. You are already paying a mortgage on a house that he can kick you out of at any time with now notice! You have no security at all. Paying off his mortgage but not going on the deeds is also a really silly thing to do. You really need to think this though, the fact that he won’t have a proper calm discussion with you about it just proves how selfish he is

KenIsAnAccessory · 07/08/2024 15:05

You're being really naive and putting yourself financially at risk here OP. If the market moves faster than your saved equity grows, you could find yourself priced out. Don't leave it sitting in the bank while you wait for your boyfriend to pull his head out of his arse. Like many PP I definitely think you should buy another property in your own name. Now is a good time with prices and interest rates lower than they have been for several years.

Given your differences of opinion here you probably need to be having some serious conversations about what you future financial commitment looks like. What if you have DC? Will he expect to contribute to mat leave/childcare etc or will that all be on you? Thrash ot out to identify any deal breakers. At least then you'll know if the relationship is a go-er or not.

EsioTrotlove · 07/08/2024 15:05

When I paid off my (then) DP’s mortgage, he absolutely insisted I take a legal charge over the property (like a private mortgage). That’s what your “D” P should be doing @helloballoon - if he cared about you, he’d want to ensure you’re protected. It’s not about trusting him or not trusting him. It’s about being aware of the very limited rights afforded a non married partner and the thorny laws around gifts and inheritance. If he was knocked over by a bus tomorrow and your money was tied into his property with no legal protection, his next of kin (who won’t be you) can take the lot. At the very least, you’ll end up with legal costs getting your money back, at the worst, you will lose it. My advice is to lose him.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:06

If you are paying towards the mortgage then what is the rent for??

I don’t think he’s asking for both, she didn’t use money to pay off the mortgage so now he wants a rental contribution, maybe I misunderstood though.

KreedKafer · 07/08/2024 15:08

It's perfectly correct that you shouldn't use proceeds from the sale of your own house to pay off a chunk of his mortgage, which is in his name.

However, I also think that it's perfectly OK for him to ask you to pay some form of rent if you are living in his house.

Ultimately, I can see both sides of this, and I think maybe you both made a mistake by selling one property and moving into the other, rather than selling both properties and buying a place together. If you think you can get past your current disagreement, then I would suggest that's what you do for the future.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 07/08/2024 15:08

Does he want you to trust him enough to put equity in a house that's solely in his name? Whilst simultaneously not trusting you enough to put the house in both your names?

Protecting both of you legally isn't the same as a lack of trust. It's why people get married before having kids - legal benefits as well as a financial commitment.

If his feelings have changed as a result of sensible discussions there isn't much you can do I'm afraid

NewGreenDuck · 07/08/2024 15:09

Buy your own home and move out. I really don't think this will end well.