DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

[helloballoon]

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

He gets half the bills paid which is saving him money already.

Did you pay any housing costs in the yr prior to Feb?

we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy.

No, no you’re not. I am telling you right now they are not the actions of a committed man.

Move out and buy yourself another property.
Continue to date him if you want to but your relationship has now changed
You feel vulnerable because you are
Fair enough to pay living expenses but not someone else's mortgage

His behaviour is giving you lots of reasons not to trust him. He wants you to take on all of the financial risk in a bid to prove your trust- that in itself is a huge red flag. Why doesn’t he have to prove that he trusts you?

He isn’t committed to you . A 5 year relationship is plenty of time to decide on marriage/ commitment to property.

I would agree with re-investing your sale proceeds into a new property- you’re very vulnerable if he refuses to commit to either marriage or shared property ownership.

Fucking hell, the universe is trying to tell you something. Listen to it. Run.

He gets half the bills paid which is saving him money already.

And? You would advise the OP the same if the roles were reversed? I wouldn’t.

This seems like a good compromise for now.

Keep your lump sum to yourself. Look at maybe buying a place of your own to rent out. Don’t pay off his mortgage and keep your name off the deeds.

Ask him to show you all of the utility bills, council tax, etc, and work out a food budget, to which you contribute 50%.

Then you pay an agreed amount of ‘rent’ or whatever you agree to call it. Because after all, you couldn’t live anywhere else rent free, could you?

If you did this, how would it compare to what you’re currently contributing? Will it be more or less?

This sort of behaviour is a massive red flag and id run for the hills because this kind of gas lighting isn't him showing u respect as I'm sure u deserve, he is financially coercive and it's a form of domestic abuse I recently found out as my ex would do this alot. Please don't think I'm telling u wat to do but that's my honest view darling get out and buy a place unless he is willing to sign for your contributions as being equity in ur name, then I wouldn't consider trusting him darling x good luck and I hope it gets sorted

I am wondering if this is because he has discovered you potentially would have a claim for part of his property if you could prove you’ve been making mortgage payments. It sounds like he wants all of the upsides of being with you but when push comes to shove the commitment isn’t there and is really looking like what’s yours is his and what’s his is his.

I wouldn't be looking to make a profit from my SO no, moving in together should benefit both partners imo.

So he wants to secure his own financial assets, whilst gets angry that you also want to secure your own financial assets?!

I understand he doesn’t want to add you on the deeds of the house if he paid the deposit and has been paying the mortgage for many years. That’s astute……. and any woman would be advised to do the same on Mumsnet if she were in that situation.

But he should want to go to a lawyer together and find ways for you both to protect your individual assets you are bringing into this relationship. And find a way forward that protects you both. The fact he doesn’t want to do this raises big red flags.

And absolutely do not pay a market rate of rent op, not unless you get your own room.

It would be going forward to buy your own place!
Trust us!

This. quite honestly it sounds like a non starter and I would leave before I wasted any more of my life on this pillock.

This is his reasoning exactly.

Op, if you've been paying towards HIS mortgage since February and he now wants to split finances and have you pay rent you need to factor in the refund of those mortgage payment or deduct them from the proposes rent.

I wouldn't be looking to make a profit from my SO no, moving in together should benefit both partners imo.

It’s not clear if the OP paid anything housing wise the yr prior. How do you know he’s making a profit? Or that it isn’t benefiting the OP? The OP literally says he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue.

If the OP had the asset no-one would be telling her to add him to the deeds or expect no housing contribution.

So he can protect his assets but you can’t protect yours?

Start house hunting.

Be grateful he’s shown himself for what he is whilst you can still get out.

I wouldn’t worry about it being “a backwards step”, this relationship would be dead to me.

I understand he doesn’t want to add you on the deeds of the house if he paid the deposit and has been paying the mortgage for many years. That’s astute……. and any woman would be advised to do the same on Mumsnet if she were in that situation.

Exactly!!!

But he should want to go to a lawyer together and find ways for you both to protect your individual assets you are bringing into this relationship. And find a way forward that protects you both. The fact he doesn’t want to do this raises big red flags.

I don’t agree it’s necessarily a big flag, it could be. It depends on figures really.

Tbh this sounds reasonable.

I will admit I could be missing something, but I think the issue here is that you set a joint account and have sort of half assed mixed the pot.

Let’s start from a financial view:
You should be paying something for your shared existence in the house. At a minimum how of the shared bills and something towards ‘rent’… think of yourself as a lodger for that part.

If you agree to share ownership of the house that’s a different story and should be done legally and with the terms and ownership stakes spelled out.

Assuming you have income and your money from the house sale has not been mixed you will be no better or worse off and he isn’t gaining or losing anything.

An argument could be made you’re losing out on housing appreciation by not owning anything… but then I’d say that you should use your savings, buy something else and rent it out or invest it to gain equivalent appreciation.

Now on the commitment relationship front;

You both should have had this discussion long before you moved in. What are your shared goals, plans, commitments, etc. only you can say for sure if you think the relationship is working for you now.

This seems like the best plan going forwards if you're not getting married. Rather than having your house money sitting in an account, why don't you buy yourself another property and rent it out?

I think this is actually quite a common dilemma for lots of couples. We had something similar where my (now) husband owned his flat and we needed to work out what was the fairest way to split costs. We never changed the deeds on the flat as we had an amazing mortgage and we were married before we brought a house together.

What we initially settled on was that we would split bills jointly and I would pay a nominal rent as a lodger so he could have it tax free through rent a scheme. We later moved towards me not paying anything in ‘rent’ but saving up a big portion of my salary that would go towards our later house purchase and our finances gradually became more and more joint.

Start house hunting. He wants you to pay off an asset in his name.

How is she not protecting her assets? She’s already said she’s put her profits from the sale of her house aside.