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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

386 replies

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:13

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

OP posts:
Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:32

@saltinesandcoffeecups some common sense!

ScribblingPixie · 07/08/2024 15:32

This isn't going to work, OP. After five years, this is not the way forward. I'd be looking to buy another property of my own to move into.

Maelil01 · 07/08/2024 15:33

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/08/2024 15:23

I am wondering if this is because he has discovered you potentially would have a claim for part of his property if you could prove you’ve been making mortgage payments. It sounds like he wants all of the upsides of being with you but when push comes to shove the commitment isn’t there and is really looking like what’s yours is his and what’s his is his.

Show quote history

If it was the other way round that’s what all MN posters would advise!

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 15:33

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:29

I wouldn't be looking to make a profit from my SO no, moving in together should benefit both partners imo.

It’s not clear if the OP paid anything housing wise the yr prior. How do you know he’s making a profit? Or that it isn’t benefiting the OP? The OP literally says he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue.

If the OP had the asset no-one would be telling her to add him to the deeds or expect no housing contribution.

People would not think this was fair treatment if op had the asset and expected her bf to pay off her mortgage, this isn't about double standards.

Her partner being generous doesn't entitle him to the sale proceeds of her house either and if he believes so and expects it then he has been manipulative and deceitful from the start.

If he had a problem with his generosity then he needed to communicate this.
I even question this from op because it's very easy to appear generous when you would have been paying for something either way but just so happen to include a partner or a friend that is with you.

gardenmusic · 07/08/2024 15:33

Itsajobones · Today 14:24
FatfunandADHD · Today 14:22
My honest advice would be to run to the nearest estate agents and buy yourself another property. Financial disagreements are a huge red flag for me.

I think you have done the right thing NOT paying into his house and I would not do so either under a declaration of trust now he has shown his true colours.
This!

Yes, this. Buy a house now before you get left behind on the property market.
He wants you to pay towards his mortgage while having no rights, or to pay off a chunk without a deed of trust. Neither option is good.
See him if you must, but from the secure position of your own property.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:33

If it was the other way round that’s what all MN posters would advise!

Some of the responses are ludicrous

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 15:35

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:20

The trouble with this arrangement is that she would be spending money every month enriching him, while her savings from the sale of her house dwindle, and she's not getting any equity, any security for it. If they break up 5 years down the line, he'll be thousands richer and she'll be left penniless, back to square one. It might be "reasonable", but it's not a sensible financial move on OP's part.

Of course it isn’t. Equally it’s not a sensible decision on his part to have no contribution towards housing costs.

HE has a mortgage in HIS name.
His "housing costs" is him choosing to buy a house(before even OP was on the scene)!
Is it really that hard to understand the basics...

S00LA · 07/08/2024 15:35

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 15:10

He wants to stop sharing money and have our money separately with me paying half the bills and a rent

That would make you his lodger, as long as

you have your own Bedroom and dont share with him
you share common parts of the house
you are not a couple
you have a lodger agreement in writing
he pays for everything like repairs, maintenance, furniture

If that is what you want then go right ahead, just have your solicitors look over the lodger agreement first and explain what your rights are.

If that’s not what you want then move out. In the meantime, stop paying anything towards his mortgage.

gardenmusic · 07/08/2024 15:35

They would and have advised exactly the same when it has been the other way round.

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 15:35

@helloballoon I fear you're probably getting a bit overwhelmed and probably not feeling great with all these responses but these are the words of women (and men) looking out for each other and spotting someone in a vulnerable position.

The situation you are in is not uncommon as many people are still single and dating in their 30s and 40s now who own their own homes and want to merge lives and finances with a DP. So ultimately one person has to sell / rent out their home to move in with the other. That was the case for me and DP and for lots of my friends.

But realistically, unless he signs the Declaration of Trust (which means you are covered in relation to any funds / equity you have in the house), remortgages in both your names (not always an option depending on mortgage rates and terms) or you get married, you could end up with absolutely nothing here.

He knows this but the crucial thing I have taken away from your post is, rather than try to reassure you and basically do whatever it takes so that you are equals, he wants you to give whilst he takes and offers you absolutely no protection or security.

Those are not the actions of someone wanting to share their life with their partner.

FWIW the moment my DP moved in I contacted the mortgage advisor and solicitor regarding getting him on the mortgage, getting a DoT drawn up etc, however we have both decided we would rather just get married and then everything is in a joint name anyway. I can't wait for that to happen as I hate him paying into my house - I want it to be "ours" now. That's how your DP should be feeling.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:36

People would not think this was fair treatment if op had the asset and expected her bf to pay off her mortgage, this isn't about double standards.

It is, no one would be advising the OP to share her asset or have no contributions towards housing.

bonzaitree · 07/08/2024 15:39

Me and my OH bought a house this year. I had equity from a previous property. We signed a declaration of trust to recognise i had a larger deposit. Irrelevant unless we split and sell the house.

OH happy to sign as he understood I needed a back up plan if we split.

Your OH wants your money OP. Sorry. Get out now.

Witchbitch20 · 07/08/2024 15:40

Maelil01 · 07/08/2024 15:32

How is she not protecting her assets? She’s already said she’s put her profits from the sale of her house aside.

Show quote history

From the OPs original post . “I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that it’s not about that at all it’s about me having some security.”

The profit has only been put aside because the timing to pay it off his mortgage didn’t quite work.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 15:41

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:36

People would not think this was fair treatment if op had the asset and expected her bf to pay off her mortgage, this isn't about double standards.

It is, no one would be advising the OP to share her asset or have no contributions towards housing.

If op didn't want to put her f on the deeds they would advise her to take payment for bills.

If op wanted her bf to pay a chunk of her mortgage off they would say it's unfair to not agree to him having his share legally protected.

Ops bf wants her to pay off a chunk of his mortgage with no protection for her..... it doesn't matter what sex they are in any scenario this is unfair.

If he wants to now backtrack and split finances, have her pay rent instead then fine, but she shouldn't be paying towards his mortgage.

TinySmol · 07/08/2024 15:42

Move out.
And ditch him.

lemonmeringueno3 · 07/08/2024 15:42

I can see his point. I wouldn't move a bloke into my house and let him live there without paying towards the mortgage. I think paying a contributory sum of money - call it rent if you like - is entirely fair.

AvocadoDevil · 07/08/2024 15:43

He’s not committed to you, only to your money.

If you were a committed partnership then you would have both names on the mortgage/house (50/50) and the money in a joint bank account and 100% shared finances.

As it stands you’re just shag-buddies who live together.

GRex · 07/08/2024 15:44

Run run run. No reasonable person would expect you to put your entire property savings into a property you have no rights to. There is something extremely odd in his expectations and anger, and it really isn't worth hanging around just to find out what exactly it is.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:44

@TomatoSandwiches where did I say she should pay off some his mortgage? she absolutely shouldn’t…

If he wants to now backtrack and split finances, have her pay rent instead then fine,

Perhaps this is the misunderstanding as you appear to agree with me. I would class rent as a contribution to housing costs, what would you call it?

EarthSight · 07/08/2024 15:45

ActualChips · 07/08/2024 14:27

I was horrified when I read the bit where you chose to sell your asset and throw money at a boyfriends mortgage which you're not on the deeds for? This is diabolical.
Dump the boyfriend and regain financial security. You can date him if you feel the need, but keep everything separate to this man. You have no legal protections, you no longer have your house, and the relationship is not going to last with the fighting and inequality.

This. I know it was in the spirit of generosity, but you shouldn't be paying off someone else's mortgage from your own house sale, when you're not on the deeds!!!

EarthSight · 07/08/2024 15:46

Also OP - maybe he has been generous, but paying towards someone else's assets like this is different. I bet he bloody well knows that, which is making me wonder why he was financially generous to you in the first place.

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 15:48

Maybe this could help, like it did in the primary school:

OP has apples 🍎🍎🍎🍎
Boyfriend has pears 🍐🍐🍐🍐
Together they eat oranges 🍊🍊🍊🍊

OP sells her apples and buys pears for the boyfriend and some oranges for the both of them. Now:

OP has 🖕
Boyfriend has 🍐🍐🍐🍐🍐🍐
Together they have 🍊🍊🍊🍊🍊🍊

Boyfriend kicks OP out or OP leaves an intolerable relationship. Now:

OP has 🖕+🍊🍊🍊
Boyfriend has 🍊🍊🍊+🍐🍐🍐🍐🍐🍐
Together they have 🖕

Dunno what's "fair" but those are the maths 😆

gardenmusic · 07/08/2024 15:48

The simplest answer would be for him to accept the deed of trust, ie the money she pays off his mortgage is protected - but he won't.
He thinks she should just hand it over and trust him.
By the way, I would want any money I paid off as a percentage, not a lump sum to be returned as is in 5 years or whatever.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 15:49

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:44

@TomatoSandwiches where did I say she should pay off some his mortgage? she absolutely shouldn’t…

If he wants to now backtrack and split finances, have her pay rent instead then fine,

Perhaps this is the misunderstanding as you appear to agree with me. I would class rent as a contribution to housing costs, what would you call it?

I would say bills and rent are separate.

Half of the bills and if he gets a single person discount on CT then she can pay the 25% extra it usually is and a nominal rent but much less than half the cost of a mortgage payment.

That to me would be fair.

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 15:49

lemonmeringueno3 · 07/08/2024 15:42

I can see his point. I wouldn't move a bloke into my house and let him live there without paying towards the mortgage. I think paying a contributory sum of money - call it rent if you like - is entirely fair.

I don't think that's OPs issue!!!

She's been paying him money and was about to pay a lump sum off his mortgage! The issue is that now she wants a Declaration of Trust drawn up to protect her money (and rightly so!) he's backtracked and now says he wants to split finances and essentially treat her as a tenant! Despite being 5 years into a relationship!

So as @helloballoon is quite rightly saying, this feels like a backwards step and why should she keep sinking money into a property which she has absolutely no stake in and he won't even allow her to protect the money she was going to pay into it?!