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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

386 replies

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:13

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

OP posts:
Idontjetwashthefucker · 07/08/2024 14:34

So how much are you paying towards the mortgage each month?

ErickBroch · 07/08/2024 14:34

Stop paying his mortgage and protect your own money. You need to do what PP suggested and try and have a very open discussion and hear both sides and concerns, may help to clear up any confusion.

FakeMiddleton · 07/08/2024 14:34

BloodyAdultDC · 07/08/2024 14:22

Move out. He doesn't want to make this commitment to you.

This.

My bf of 18 months bought our house (paid all the deposit and stamp duty) and it's both names 50:50 on the deeds. I then married him year or so later albeit we weren't even engaged at the time. We had shared finances from house purchase onwards and he out earns me vastly.

It's naff, but it's true: if he wanted to, he would.

Iwant20cats · 07/08/2024 14:34

Split your money back into separate accounts and look to moving out. Don't put yourself at risk of being left homeless and penniless.
A committed relationship should be on an equal footing

Ontheriverview · 07/08/2024 14:34

Have you thought about marriage or civil partnership ?

Do not pay his mortgage, without you being a joint owner

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/08/2024 14:34

‘ just feels like going backwards than forwards.‘

No, you are going forwards, OP, hopefully towards a relationship of mutual support and trust. Unlikely with this bloke, though.

Imisscoffee2021 · 07/08/2024 14:35

Him trying to use the idea of trust to stop you safeguarding yourself is crazy and emotional blackmail. Give it back to him, surely if he loves you and wants an equal partnership then you shoukd have the money you put into a home reflected in ownership.

Bigcat25 · 07/08/2024 14:35

It sounds like you could use some counselling or mediation. I think paying a certain amount of rent (bc we all have to pay for housing) is fair, but not paying off a massive amount of his mortgage, especially if it's not in your name as well or if you don't have some sort of legal agreement. The lack of trust comment is out to lunch, bc you or he should be able to leave for any reason without you being totally financially screwed.

Starlightstarbright3 · 07/08/2024 14:36

Omg .. I am sat hear reading no no no ..

All your wages go into a joint account .

i agree with him you need to separate income .

paying towards the bills is completely separate to sharing income .. unless you have children and are married .

He is having a jolly good time on this his bills halved and can save more

Are you on similar incomes .

btw if you are pooling money he isn’t paying for anything you both are

Sunshineafterthehail · 07/08/2024 14:37

You might see hearts. He just sees pound signs.
He is telling you your worth. Listen to him.

FakeMiddleton · 07/08/2024 14:37

Bigcat25 · 07/08/2024 14:35

It sounds like you could use some counselling or mediation. I think paying a certain amount of rent (bc we all have to pay for housing) is fair, but not paying off a massive amount of his mortgage, especially if it's not in your name as well or if you don't have some sort of legal agreement. The lack of trust comment is out to lunch, bc you or he should be able to leave for any reason without you being totally financially screwed.

If you're at mediation at this point, the relationship is awful and you should just leave

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 07/08/2024 14:37

I think you were crazy to sell your place tbh, it would have been more sensible to have rented your place out while you saw how living together went.

All my couple friends did it this way.

Paying off his mortgage?? Absolutely not and the fact he won't sign the legal paperwork to offer you some protection says it all.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 14:38

Just leave, he doesn't want anything that sets you both up fairly, he wants you to do what HE says with YOUR money or it's not worth it to him.

He wouldn't pay off your mortgage without some legal recourse in place op, you know he wouldn't but he expects it from you.

He has no respect for you.

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 14:40

Iwant20cats · 07/08/2024 14:34

Split your money back into separate accounts and look to moving out. Don't put yourself at risk of being left homeless and penniless.
A committed relationship should be on an equal footing

This. Every single time a man had that sort of leverage, it was used against me. Every single time, without fail. One of those times I had to declare myself homeless with a small child.

I own my own house outright and it's never ever going anywhere, not even in exchange for living in a waterfront mansion.

FictionalCharacter · 07/08/2024 14:41

Absolutely do not pay his mortgage off with your money when you don't co-own the house.
Sorry OP but this doesn't sound at all like a happy relationship. You've argued and he's turned on you over money. He wants you to pay him rent to live in his house that you've been paying the mortgage for. This really isn't good.

DadJoke · 07/08/2024 14:42

If nothing else, one of the biggest causes of break-ups is disagreement over finances. Honestly, I cannot see a legitimate reason why he wouldn't agree to the declaration of trust.

Butterflyfern · 07/08/2024 14:42

I think you need to consider the relationship anyway tbh

Do you want to be with a man long term who can't talk about money and financial security without getting angry? How will you manage to make any joint financial decisions in the future?

HateMyselfToo · 07/08/2024 14:43

Iwant20cats · 07/08/2024 14:34

Split your money back into separate accounts and look to moving out. Don't put yourself at risk of being left homeless and penniless.
A committed relationship should be on an equal footing

IF you can and want to work through this, you can buy a place in your name, rent it out and use that money to pay him rent. That allows you to have somewhere to go if something goes wrong.

PoopedAndScooped · 07/08/2024 14:43

In the joint account is the money from your house sale in it?

If so, close it straight away!!

Ivehearditbothways · 07/08/2024 14:44

What does he say when you ask simply, “If you want me to pay a chunk into the mortgage and then split the mortgage going forward then why won’t you give me rights to this house? I won’t pay that until it is documented. The only thing stopping us is that refuse to legalise my share in the property. Why?”

What does he actually say is his reason for not formalising your share in the property?

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 14:44

My bf of 18 months bought our house (paid all the deposit and stamp duty) and it's both names 50:50 on the deeds. I then married him year or so later albeit we weren't even engaged at the time. We had shared finances from house purchase onwards and he out earns me vastly.

I would never do this if I was the bf.

AdaColeman · 07/08/2024 14:45

Unless your name was added to the deeds of the property, you would have been foolish to contribute to the mortgage. If you were to split up in the future, as you are not yet married, he would have walked away with your assets, and you would have nothing. It's very telling that he is refusing to sign the Deed of Trust!

In your situation, I would probably buy my own property, as there are some major differences in attitudes to finances between the two of you. He seems to resent that you want to protect your own interests, but at the same time he is determined to protect his own interests. This can only lead to conflict in the future.

Kiztittumne · 07/08/2024 14:45

FatfunandADHD · 07/08/2024 14:22

My honest advice would be to run to the nearest estate agents and buy yourself another property. Financial disagreements are a huge red flag for me.

I think you have done the right thing NOT paying into his house and I would not do so either under a declaration of trust now he has shown his true colours.

Absolutely this. ^

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 14:47

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

How much has he paid? He’s clearly resentful that you didn’t see your money as joint money.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 14:48

In your situation, I would probably buy my own property, as there are some major differences in attitudes to finances between the two of you. He seems to resent that you want to protect your own interests, but at the same time he is determined to protect his own interests. This can only lead to conflict in the future.

This. Neither of you are wrong to want to protect your own interests.