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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP telling me I need to pay him a rent

386 replies

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:13

Bit of a long one here.

I've been with DP for 5 years, moved into his house 18 months ago, we have spoken about marriage etc and both fully committed and very happy. I sold my house which completed in February this year. I made some money from mine so we agreed that I would pay this off his mortgage. When we looked into this further we realised he was on a very good fixed rate deal so would be stupid to re-mortgage, this is where the issues have started. I was reluctant to pay the money off the mortgage which would remain in his name as I was worried if anything ever happened to him then I would have nothing. He has took this as me not being committed to the relationship and not trusting him. I have tried to explain that its not about that at all its about me having some security.

FWIW he has always been very generous with money, he has paid for so much while we have been together and its never been an issue. Now his view is that as soon as I have some money I wont commit it but I've been happy letting him pay for everything. I do really see his point of view but he doesn't seem to see mine.

We agreed to a Declaration of Trust which I got a solicitor to draw up, he has had this for 3 months and has done nothing with it, not even looked at it. It has caused a huge wedge between us. He has more equity than me and I'm more than happy for this to be documented.

When my house sold we also agreed to open a joint account so we effectively share money and pay all the bills out of the same account, aside from the issue above this works well for us.

The issue I am having now is that the past few arguments we have had he brings it up. We have had a argument today and in his anger he has decided to finally look at the Declaration of Trust and has told me not to bother and that we need to split our money back to separate accounts and and then I need to pay a rent to him.

I just don't know what to do, I've come up with the solution of a Declaration Trust but he still holds some resentment over it and we cant seem to move forward. Its really hurtful he moves the goalposts in an argument and says these things to me and it makes me feel really vulnerable that I've given up my security to commit to him and our life and he just cant see that.

We have had a chat about it once and he told me he its made him feel differently about us and that things don't feel the same, its clearly an issue for him but I don't know how to resolve it and how we can move forward.

AIBU? Any advice?

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 07/08/2024 15:09

yeesh · 07/08/2024 15:05

You are mad to put up with this. You are already paying a mortgage on a house that he can kick you out of at any time with now notice! You have no security at all. Paying off his mortgage but not going on the deeds is also a really silly thing to do. You really need to think this though, the fact that he won’t have a proper calm discussion with you about it just proves how selfish he is

She isn't currently paying a mortgage on his house - that's why he's asking her to pay rent.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:10

The answer is right there above your question. I wrote it out for those who don't get it.

I wouldn’t pay anything without a declaration of trust & as I said I wouldn’t have a man live rent free with me regardless of his assets. Neither of them are wrong to want to protect themselves.

Original poster
helloballoon · 07/08/2024 15:10

He wants to stop sharing money and have our money separately with me paying half the bills and a rent

OP posts:
TeaGinandFags · 07/08/2024 15:11

BloodyAdultDC · 07/08/2024 14:22

Move out. He doesn't want to make this commitment to you.

This.

And fast.

CormorantStrikesBack · 07/08/2024 15:12

I’d start house hunting

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:12

He wants to stop sharing money and have our money separately with me paying half the bills and a rent

So not mortgage & rent?

poppymango · 07/08/2024 15:13

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 15:14

@Bigcat25
But it's him who owns! She doesn't own a house. They're not her costs.

The proposition is that OP uses her assets to buy HIS assets. Her assets go to nil, his increase by the value of everything she used to own.

What a scheming grifter he is. If I was willing to game my charms of pretty&sexy, I could pay off a couple of mortgages whilst not actually paying off any. Three or four relationships would do it. The world belongs to the shameless.

TomatoSandwiches · 07/08/2024 15:14

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 15:10

He wants to stop sharing money and have our money separately with me paying half the bills and a rent

And he wants you to pay off his mortgage without him having to sign the legal document protecting your share.

He doesn't want you to have any claim to his house at all but wants you to pay a big chunk to it..... you've already made mortgage payments for 8 months.

Get a rental agreement signed up that you're both happy with via a solicitor and make plans to move out ASAP.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:14

In the 18 months prior did you pay any mortgage or rent costs or just a contribution to bills?

Fannyfiggs · 07/08/2024 15:15

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 15:10

He wants to stop sharing money and have our money separately with me paying half the bills and a rent

Do it. For now until you can get out.

DO NOT PUT YOUR LUMP SUM TOWARDS HIS MORTGAGE.

I wouldn't trust your partner as far as I could throw him and if you pay this money to his mortgage, you are at risk of losing it.

I would also be looking for somewhere else to live.

MixieMatchie · 07/08/2024 15:16

You have "talked about marriage" but you are not "fully committed", because far from marrying you, he wants you to pay off his mortgage and/or be his lodger.

I don't understand why you have gone down this whole circuitous route of solicitors and deeds of trust and so on, all to avoid the obvious solution of marriage. If he won't marry you at this obvious juncture, then don't let him take the mickey. It's ridiculous that he accused you of not being committed to him because you don't want to pay off a mortgage that isn't yours! He wants to take away your options while keeping his own open. Why won't he put his money where his mouth is?

EcoChica1980 · 07/08/2024 15:17

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:30

I do pay the mortgage and have been doing since February when we set up the joint account which both our salaries go into and all the bills including the mortgage come out of.

I still have the money in a separate account from the sale of my property.

If it comes to me buying another property then I don't want to continue with the relationship. It just feels like going backwards than forwards.

If you are paying half the mortgage, why would you need to pay rent on top? Do I have this right? That you pay half the mortgage?

I don't see that there's any need to pay more than that.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/08/2024 15:17

Thank god you didnt actually give him the money from your sale or pay of a chunk of his mortgage. You would have been totally unprotected. He seems to actively want you to give him the money unprotected, which is a huge red flag.

He says you don’t trust him or want to commit to the relationship- but if he were trustworthy he wouldn’t want you to give him the money with not protections.

I would move back out and buy a new property of my own.

millymoo1202 · 07/08/2024 15:17

Run as fast as you can to the estate agents and seriously consider if you want to be with someone like this

Theunamedcat · 07/08/2024 15:17

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 15:10

He wants to stop sharing money and have our money separately with me paying half the bills and a rent

And will that be more or less than your paying now

Tengreenbottles2 · 07/08/2024 15:18

IncompleteSenten · 07/08/2024 14:21

I would not pay towards a mortgage of a house I had no part of but otoh you don't have the right to live rent free.

Perhaps there's a compromise?

You won't contribute to his mortgage without legally having some part of it in line with your contributions but you will pay extra on the bills, and/or buy all the groceries etc in recognition of the fact that you are not paying rent (rent being a perfectly normal expectation of an adult) so that your overall contribution to the household includes an element recognised as rent?

The trouble with this arrangement is that she would be spending money every month enriching him, while her savings from the sale of her house dwindle, and she's not getting any equity, any security for it. If they break up 5 years down the line, he'll be thousands richer and she'll be left penniless, back to square one. It might be "reasonable", but it's not a sensible financial move on OP's part.

Motomum23 · 07/08/2024 15:19

Surely you are paying him rent if you are contributing to the mortgage. That's rent.

Op for goodness sake he is being so unreasonable it's terrifying. He is prepared to leave you in a dire financial situation with no come back - and its not about trust - its not about oh I'll give it back if we split up - what if you pay off his mortgage and he dies the following week - his assets go to his next of kin - that's not you.

Its really simple. You go on the deeds or he doesn't want you to have any sort of ties to his house in which case your relationship is as stalemate and frankly over.

babyproblems · 07/08/2024 15:19

QueenCamilla · 07/08/2024 14:31

Never mind the "rent" - you were going to pay off a chunk of his mortgage without a share of equity??? Without being married?? Without your own place?

Maybe you want to come and lodge at mine on the same terms?

I think you know how unreasonably foolish this is OP. That's why the stalemate on the issue.

This. What in the world!!! Don’t do it op. He’s not a keeper!!!

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:20

The trouble with this arrangement is that she would be spending money every month enriching him, while her savings from the sale of her house dwindle, and she's not getting any equity, any security for it. If they break up 5 years down the line, he'll be thousands richer and she'll be left penniless, back to square one. It might be "reasonable", but it's not a sensible financial move on OP's part.

Of course it isn’t. Equally it’s not a sensible decision on his part to have no contribution towards housing costs.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 07/08/2024 15:21

Fannyfiggs · 07/08/2024 15:15

Do it. For now until you can get out.

DO NOT PUT YOUR LUMP SUM TOWARDS HIS MORTGAGE.

I wouldn't trust your partner as far as I could throw him and if you pay this money to his mortgage, you are at risk of losing it.

I would also be looking for somewhere else to live.

Show quote history

Also I agree with this. Pay rent in the very short term. Keep money separate. Move out asap.

Rhaidimiddim · 07/08/2024 15:21

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 14:30

I do pay the mortgage and have been doing since February when we set up the joint account which both our salaries go into and all the bills including the mortgage come out of.

I still have the money in a separate account from the sale of my property.

If it comes to me buying another property then I don't want to continue with the relationship. It just feels like going backwards than forwards.

If I understand correctly:

You had given up your home
You have been paying towards his mortgage since February

Lucky him! All moving forward nicely for him.

You then put together an agreement that was fair to you both, pooling your finances in a way that gave you some security without requiring him to give up anything.

His response was to refuse to look at it, kick off, and decide to separate out your finances so that you become his tenant, rather than a co-owner of the house you live in. Again, all good from his point of view - better, in fact, because you can no longer claim that you are contributing towards his mortgage, while helping him pay his bills.

Did he really expect you to hand over your cash to pay off his mortgage without the safeguard of a Declaration of Trust? It sounds like it, and he's now playing the old "you're not committed to our relationship because you won't give me your money" song. He's a financial abuser in the making.

So, you are already going backwards in terms of your relationship because he was all "what's yours is ours, what's mine is mine" and the minute you pushed for a fair financial arrangement, he went back to "let's keep things separate then". I don't think he ever really intended to grant you equity in his house.

Edited for typos.

Campcritters · 07/08/2024 15:21

And we have no idea of the sum the OP had planned to pay off the mortgage and other equity in the property.

LottieMary · 07/08/2024 15:21

You should be on the same financial wavelength
Leaving this aside what about a compromise where you pay ‘rent’ into a savings account with the understanding it adds to the mortgage equity when it comes time to remortgage? Then at that point you work out what you’re doing re balance of equity etc
doesnt sound like a great marriage foundation though….

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 15:21

helloballoon · 07/08/2024 15:10

He wants to stop sharing money and have our money separately with me paying half the bills and a rent

After 5 years?! You're going to go backwards in your relationship? That doesn't sound good at all tbh OP.

I would take your money from your house sale and go and buy a new property so you're not sinking your hard earned wages into a house that you have absolutely no stake in.

And good god DO NOT give him any more money than a monthly "rent" and half towards bills etc.