DH’s attitude re riots etc upsetting and angering me

[Pinkycloud]

I feel so sick. Every time we talk about the riots, DH comes out with ‘well people are angry, etc’. He says he doesn’t condone violence, but there’s always a ‘but’. He voted Reform, I voted Lib Dem. I tell him he sounds racist in some of the comments he makes, which he vehemently denies.

He’s a loving, hardworking husband and father but… this! He is honestly a good man. I don’t know how to deal with it other than banning the subject. Has anyone else got very different political views from their spouse or partner?

Providing those morals and values fit within the laws of the UK. Why is their having different beliefs to you such a terrible thing? Why would you destroy your family because of it?

Yes, but me and my mum have very similar values I would say. Not that surprising - she brought me up and we are close. But she voted for Brexit and I voted Remain because we disagreed about the best method to achieve the things we value (quality of life for majority of population etc). That's a disagreement about facts, not values. There are people with almost the same voting pattern to me who have radically different values, some might be outright misogynists etc.

I would really struggle if someone was outright defending the rioters or their actions. If they thought it was bad, but didn't want the people looting etc criminally convicted because that would make the riots worse I would completely disagree. But it wouldn't make them "bad" as such.

What about people who aren't interested in politics at all then.

Would you be friends with them?

I never talk to people about politics much.

I don't know who any of my colleagues vote for.

My close friends, we dont talk about politics much at all unless there's an election coming up, and then we don't ask each other who we are voting for, as we see it as a private thing.

So it's white liberal women who are the problem? They are to blame for men's action or inaction?

WTAF

Same. I don't really mix in circles where we discuss each others politics and voting history. I find it weird that so many here appear so narrow minded. I just hope more people get out and vote as this recent election proved how close many seats were decided on.

I don't vet every colleague and person I meet on their ethics and views but this post is about a husband. I would never have children with someone without knowing.

All my friends have similar ethics/morals to me. I don't actually know any friends who don't vote or are right wing. I find it weird that you wouldn't know if a friends political views...why the privacy. I'm open about everything with my friends.

I think we don't tell each other ( me and my friends) , precisely because we dont want to potentially fall out with each other.

As politics causes a lot of arguments.

Politics is set up to be divisive.

What happened to your vote being between you and the ballot box?

Someone can say people are angry without condoning or in any way supporting these riots.

Alot of the time it's just a lack of accurate information or receiving news from one source that doesn't give the overall picture.

I would spend time just discussing it and finding out what he knows,where the information is coming from and so forth. I spend alot of time on YouTube as I'm housebound. It's really easy to get led down a particular path based on what you're consuming.

I'm just saying don't kick him to the kerb without truly understanding what he does actually know about and what he truly believes ( is he actually racist for example).

That's not the sort of friendship I could value. I find a lot of right wing voters are secret voters and are ashamed of who they vote. They vote for themselves not the most vulnerable in society. They don't want to be judged and yes I judge them.

I find this such a bizarre question. Do you really set the bar so low for a life partner that not breaking the law is your only expectation of them?

Different beliefs are obviously fine - DH and I have different views/beliefs on religion etc, and that isn't an issue. We also have a lot of cultural differences etc. None of these have been an issue in the 30 years that we have been together.

But shared values and beliefs about morality are the very bedrock of our relationship. I genuinely don't really understand what else a relationship would be founded on, unless it is purely physical attraction alone, which doesn't seem very stable to me.

I choose to be with my DH because I like, admire and respect the person that he is, and his core values are absolutely central to his character. If I thought he held views which I considered to be morally repugnant, how could I respect him? He would be a completely different person and not one that I would want to spend time with? And if we didn't share the same beliefs about what is important in life, how could we work together as a team towards shared goals? And how could we have raised children together effectively if we didn't even agree on basic ideas about what is right and what is wrong? I just don't get how a marriage can function like that.

To be clear, I'm not talking about voting for different parties etc. DH and I haven't always voted in the same way. But the basic underlying values which are guiding our votes have been the same, and those values wouldn't ever allow either of us to sign up to far right/radical islamist views or similar. It would be inconceivable because those ideologies are so far removed from the values and beliefs that we hold dear.

And yes, I would absolutely break my family up in that situation. Realistically, it would be broken anyway as soon as the respect had gone. What's the point of sharing your life with someone that you don't consider to be a decent person any more?

integrity

It's different for different people. Maybe politics are very important to you.

I see politics as one very small thing that would make up an overall friendship.

I have a friend for the last twenty years.

I think I've talked to her about politics maybe twice.

So many other things add to our friendship,
The shared memories,
The workplace we both worked in,
Our shared hobbies
How she helped me when i was sick.
All the bolidays we went on.
all the groups we went to together

Politics would be far far down the list of things that are important in a friendship to me

Yep, this - some people have very short/selective memories

I've also learned the hard way to keep my vote to myself.

Politics and referendums etc are all set up in way to pit people against each other and divide each other.

I lived in the Republic of Ireland during the Abortion referendum.

That was obviously emotional and it made people argue wiith each other.

It was a yes or no vote. For or against abortion.

I had been friends with this woman for twenty years since school. We were really close friends, we did so much together.

At the time of the abortion referendum there were a lot of social media posts going around for the for and against campaigns. I reposted one on Facebook.

I was going to vote a certain way.

My friend saw my post on Facebook.

We had honestly never argued once in twenty years and got on so well.

She sent me a message saying 'I can't believe you're going to vote that way. I won't be friends with you anymore. I'll never speak to you ever again. I'm ashamed of you'

Etc etc. I was so shocked. Abortion is a tough emotional topic but people are allowed to vote on it.

I had a big argument with her about it, and then we never spoke again.

I said sensible things to her like "aren't we entitled to have different views, we are all entitled to have a choice and a vote. I respect your choice of what way you want to vote"

She wouldn't listen an I gave up. We never spoke again. She also fell out with her other long term friends aswell.

I learned after that, that I don't want to discuss which way I'm voting on anything

I'll vote how I want, its my choice, but I'll keep it private. I don't want to deal with other people's aggression

Who you vote for is a reflection of who you are- your values, beliefs and principles.

You vote for certain parties and you tell me your values, beliefs and principles are shit- why would I want to be friends with you?

Politics is fluid though. It's not set in stone.

What if they vote for one party in one election, and then a different party in a different election

One vote for reform shows that someone is either racist or woukd be ok with racists in power. Whatever they vote next time doesn’t erase that.

It depends on the parties, and which direction their thinking is moving in.

Some posters on mumsnet are far too quick to advise others to leave their spouses. You say that he is a good family man and caring father. If this is the only (albeit big) issue, in your shoes I would just make my own views and feelings clear and ban the subject. I’d always make it clear that you would find it totally unacceptable for him to share his views with your children.

I think "not being interested in politics" is just another expression of a certain set of values, really. Each to their own, but I couldn't be friends with someone who doesn't really care about anything beyond their own personal circle of concern. Incompatible world views and different ideas about what is important in life. I am friendly with people like that, but it wouldn't ever be more than a casual acquaintance because we would look at the world in such different ways.

Nope. Not these days. If you feel unlistened to by the two major parties - and lets’ face it the Labour Party have indicated that they’re just Tories under a different name - and undecided as to what your values beliefs and principles actually are you’ll vote for those who you think is the best fit. It may not necessarily be so, but everyone is allowed to find out the hard way.

@cardibach sometimes people are ill informed, they are malleable in their views, their political persuasion based on knowledge and experience.

OP knows whether her husband really understands the full implications and repercussions of his political preference. If it isn't clear I would just tease that out of him.
That's if he's someone who talks of course!

I think a lot of people are not interested in politics as they kind of see the parties as all the same.

Filled with corrupt old upper class men. Who are all mostly educated in the same private schools.

They're not interested in politics, because they don't like the corruption in the system. Which is fair enough

But that’s only an opinion. There are many reasons why someone would settle on a party to vote for - including the fact that the two major parties are shite and have no intention of actually representing the people who vote for them. But that’s just my opinion.