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Original poster

Husband didn't tell me

383 replies

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:22

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

OP posts:
Hummingbirdie · 07/08/2024 14:30

definitely took more than coke.

he’s not that’s serious on ttc

insomnia was from the drugs

no one got him medical help for the fit as they were all taking loads of drugs

Howtobekind · 07/08/2024 14:35

And well done, you are breaking the cycle. Fabulous potential mother, already protecting your future children.
P.S. Please keep away from this man - don't let yourself down.

Yougotwhatstuckwhere · 07/08/2024 14:36

I have witnessed alcohol induced fits (people who have stopped drinking alone, no aid or advice from Dr)
I had many friends with coke habits, that didn't seem to be a side effect.
But just because it wasn't in my circle doesn't mean it didn't happen for your H.
I am baffled that this hasn't been checked out in a hospital already 🤷🏻‍♀️
Something else must be going on surely?

TeaGinandFags · 07/08/2024 14:37

As above, OP.

You are a kind and intelligent woman whose caring nature is being exploited by a selfish man.

Keep him as a friend, if he's really that nice, but he's not husband material let alone father material.

He and his friends are acting up like 12 yr olds. Let them. They're not your responsibility.

Go out and find a real man who knows how to behave like an adult and be a father. Maybe the universe is protecting you from making a baby with this jerk?

If pregnancy is not in your future, there could be adoption. All the fun and none of the cellulite.

Time to take care of yourself and let the little boys play. You have a bright future ahead of you without him. 🌹

Goldcushions2 · 07/08/2024 14:46

Good lord OP, do not waste any more time with this druggie.

I really hope you ARE done.
It would be beyond selfish to knowingly inflict a druggie father on a baby.

These wasters make the worst fathers.
Move concerned about what goes up their nose than their children.

Do not protect him.
Tell EVERYONE the truth.

He's an untrustworthy lying addict and you are ending your marriage now that you know the truth.

Poddledoddle · 07/08/2024 14:47

There's no way if be having a baby or even staying with a coke head. Abhorrent behaviour and youre a fool if you think this was the first or last time.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 07/08/2024 14:48

Yougotwhatstuckwhere · 07/08/2024 14:36

I have witnessed alcohol induced fits (people who have stopped drinking alone, no aid or advice from Dr)
I had many friends with coke habits, that didn't seem to be a side effect.
But just because it wasn't in my circle doesn't mean it didn't happen for your H.
I am baffled that this hasn't been checked out in a hospital already 🤷🏻‍♀️
Something else must be going on surely?

yes this.

Did his friend confirm he'd had a fit, and if so has DH told the medics? Or did DH just pass out from hitting his head? If he did have a seizure then not getting him any medical attention from his friends was just awful.

Either way. two days of insomnia sounds like a lot of drugs were taken.

The overwhelming thing here is the complete lack of judgement, both from him and his friends to let him drive for three hours in that state, and he must have been in a right state given the condition he arrived home in. He could have been killed or permanently injured or killed someone else in a car accident. It does'nt bear thinking about. He doesn't realise how lucky he is.

You can't rely on people who demonstrate a profound lack of judgement.

Also people who are serious about giving up drinking and drug taking don't spend time with people who are actively doing it.
Maybe this is his wake up call... but has similar happened before but not as serious? How seriously would he try to stop all this, he's told a lot of lies, how much can you trust him.
If he's in his 30s and you've been together for 15 years, you must have been quite young when you got together... you still have time to make choices about your life and how you want it to be.

Poddledoddle · 07/08/2024 14:51

Also my friends sister and 9 momth old baby were killed in may, because of a hungover driver smashing into their car at 141mph after leaving the airport well over the legal limit. Shame on your husband and all his friends for not thinking about how their actions affect others. Glad it was only him who had a seizure.

Outnumbered99 · 07/08/2024 14:54

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 12:33

Just got off the phone with his best friend.

Apparently they've been taking coke and MDMA for years. I'm done.

I'm so sorry OP. I would feel exactly the same. Better off without this dickhead in your life even if you don't feel it immediately.

ClockworkDisaster · 07/08/2024 14:57

I’m sorry that you have found out that your husband is much worse than you imagined.

I hope you can safely leave him. Don’t be afraid of being on your own. It seems terrifying after a long term relationship but you can do it. It will be hard at times but you will then meet a good man who will make your life even better. Find him and don’t spend any more time on this guy. He doesn’t deserve you.

Daleksatemyshed · 07/08/2024 15:13

Well now you know the truth Op, please save yourself from the life you and your DC would have had. I know you want a DC but a drunken, drug addled father is far too high a price for that DC to pay. Be strong Op and go

EcoChica1980 · 07/08/2024 15:19

I would be more worried about the fit than the coke.

Illpickthatup · 07/08/2024 15:19

Wordsofprey · 07/08/2024 12:37

Oh he did a bit of coke on a stag do. I couldn't be angry at this, at all - but I wouldn't have made a no drugs ever agreement with a grown adult anyway. If I were you? I'd let this go and understand he didn't tell you because you'd clearly be fuming and have forbade him, given the agreement you made.

If his friends are quite a druggy crowd he has probably taken other things before, it's not often a non taker is friends with an entire group of drug takers, however it does happen.

I say loosen up a bit, but leaving the door open for there to be a serious reason why you are so anti drugs at any point ever - a one off line at a stag is such a non issue I wouldn't give it a second thought.

I'm far from being anti-drugs. DH and I enjoy a dabble now and again. The difference being neither of us made a promise not to touch drugs. Neither of us lie about it. Neither of us have addiction issues or overdo things.

OPs DH has broken her trust, lied and has clearly put himself in a dangerous situation. And it seems this isn't just a one off.

I think grown adults should be able to do what they want but people are also allowed to have boundaries. People have boundaries with porn, smoking, even dietary choices. Boundaries should be discussed before entering into a relationship and if people aren't compatible with each others boundaries they shouldn't just lie and make empty promises.

If OPs DH was into drugs then he shouldn't have made promises that he wouldn't take them. He should have found someone who didn't mind his habit. He's been deceitful the entire relationship. He's allowed OP to waste the majority of her fertile years knowing he wasn't the man she thought she'd married and having no intention to ever be.

Lostworlds · 07/08/2024 15:28

Sorry op I’ve not read any of the other posts, just yours.

I’m so sorry that you’ve had this man lying to you for all this time. You’re sat worrying in hospital about him and he’s been lying to your face.

I hope you’re okay! It will all be a shock to your system but put yourself first and think about what you need!

Noseybookworm · 07/08/2024 15:30

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 12:33

Just got off the phone with his best friend.

Apparently they've been taking coke and MDMA for years. I'm done.

I'm so sorry 😞 but not surprised. If he really didn't do drugs etc he wouldn't be hanging around with his druggy mates. He's not who you thought he was and he's not who you want as the father of your children. It's a horrible way to find this out, I hope you have the strength to leave and meet someone new. Take care of yourself lovely 💐

Farting · 07/08/2024 15:47

northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 10:47

I honestly don't think he has taken drugs before but not I'm questioning whether I'm an idiot and it's making me doubt the trust

Why did you even have a “no drugs agreement” - we wouldn’t even contemplate needing that type of agreement because neither of us would even contemplate drugs.

hes gone and got blotto on some drug / drink combo and is fucked up.

Farting · 07/08/2024 15:49

Just read the full thread. Sorry to hear your news. Most drug addicts, my mother included only give up when they’re buried.

honestly, get out.

good luck.

Original poster
northchesterforest · 07/08/2024 15:56

The no drugs agreement was coming from a place of me being worried that something might happen to him/ hurt him if he did that. So the fact that he had this seizure is exactly what my worst nightmare would be.
I have some friends who take recreationally but I don't preach to them cause they are adults in their own relationships. But this was my boundary in my relationship.

OP posts:
diddl · 07/08/2024 16:04

The no drugs agreement was coming from a place of me being worried that something might happen to him/ hurt him if he did that.

I think for a lot of us though we just don't need that talk as our OH has no interest in drugs.

Farting · 07/08/2024 16:10

diddl · 07/08/2024 16:04

The no drugs agreement was coming from a place of me being worried that something might happen to him/ hurt him if he did that.

I think for a lot of us though we just don't need that talk as our OH has no interest in drugs.

This is exactly the point. If it wasn’t a clear and present danger you wouldn’t need an agreement.

The potential problem wouldn’t even be on the radar. Not even a subject.

Starlight1979 · 07/08/2024 16:13

diddl · 07/08/2024 16:04

The no drugs agreement was coming from a place of me being worried that something might happen to him/ hurt him if he did that.

I think for a lot of us though we just don't need that talk as our OH has no interest in drugs.

Yeah this. When DP goes out / away I don't for a second think I need to warn him about taking drugs! Mind you I suppose he doesn't have a load of druggie mates. His mostly go to the football and down the pub with a few pints of ale 😂

The fact that he hangs around with a "druggie crowd" would make me wonder why you're even shocked. People tend to associate with people like them.

Khanga27 · 07/08/2024 16:22

@diddl @Farting @Starlight1979 Not necessarily. @northchesterforest has said that she has friends that use drugs so is on mind, and also 15 years together so potentially aware of circles even if not suspicious of DH. Also, we live in a world where casual drug use is more commonplace, more so depending on what part of UK. I don’t think it’s fair to assume the no drug agreement is based on DH being an assumed druggie in the first place.
my DH is aware of my anti drugs stance, and it has nothing to do with whether I think he would do them, but more because I recognise it is more commonplace and have had friends in the past use who I would not have expected to.

WoolySnail · 07/08/2024 16:33

Look what you have achieved in life despite being with this waste of skin....now imagine all the amazing things you could achieve without him dragging you down!
Best of luck OP, you've got this and you don't need to argue or explain yourself to him or anyone else. Go start your new and improved life xxx

Combattingthemoaners · 07/08/2024 16:37

Edingril · 07/08/2024 10:33

We or you have been trying?

Show quote history

What a nasty comment.

Skye99 · 07/08/2024 16:44

I really hope you won’t have a baby with this man, OP. He doesn’t sound like he could be a good father as things are, and what are the chances of them changing?

i agree with everything that’s been said about low sperm quality, bad parenting, regularly upsetting you which would affect your parenting,
the effect of constant strife on a child, and if you split up and he had unsupervised contact, how would he treat that child?

Without a complete and sustained change of attitude and behaviour (unlikely), I wouldn’t go there.