Husband didn't tell me

[northchesterforest]

I'm not sure what to do.

My husband just got back from a stag do and has had insomnia for 2 nights and is feeling terrible.

He told me this morning that he had a fit on the stag do and was unconscious. He has never had one before but didn't want to tell me. I'm upset that he didn't tell me and that he has been feeling awful for 2 days and this could all be linked.

I'm also upset because I asked if he has taken any drugs and he told me he hadn't.
We have a no drugs agreement in our relationship and I asked him not to before he went away as they are quite a druggy crowd.

He just told me he had taken coke. I'm upset that he lied to me.

I'm a mix of emotions. I'm upset and worried that he is sick after his fit.
I'm upset that he kept this from me and the drug taking.
I'm also upset that we are trying for a baby and I've been jumping through hoops with infertility medication and lifestyle changes and he has just gone and abused his body like that. I feel like a mug.

Wow. He has returned from a stag do and you’re behaving like his mother. Poor baby not feeling well from all the coke and strippers.

Get rid. Certainly don’t breed with it.

Well done on your promotion, please use this as a new start and leave your husband. You’ll have a horrible unsettling life having a child with someone who takes drugs. Better doing it alone.

You chose a rotten one because of what you saw with your mums choices. It happens a lot.

Don’t waste any more time with a filthy cokehead (likely a sleeze) alcoholic and go have your baby with a real man. Do not wait. You will regret it if you do.

Coke gets cut with any old shite nowadays so no one knows how they will react so yes it's possible.

I always thought I was too sensitive about alcohol but maybe i wasn't

No-not "sensitive" enough!

Honestly if you want to be with someone who is tee total that's ok.

It's your choice.

PLEASE do not have a baby with this drug-taking alcoholic.

PLEASE.

Some of us think very differently. I would divorce my DH of almost 30 years for one line of coke on a stag do. Absolutely.

I worked in a drug rehabilitation unit. It had a medically-supervised detox programme which was very closely monitored by social work and medical staff on a 24/7 basis. Checks on use were random. Once drug-free, they were assessed for a long-term residential care plan. Very few clients managed to complete both programmes successfully. A significant number died after it or during it.

Please ensure your own safety and that of your dependents.

Fair enough, I find that absolutely absurd. 30 years down the drain because he tried it!? Any reason you feel so strongly about it? Would you divorce immediately over him trying a spliff? I'm not judging, I'm genuinely curious as we're worlds apart in mindset - which is fine. Everybody is different.

If you can’t trust him,,please don’t get pregnant

And raise your standards.

This. A million times this.

It is 100% OK to refuse to date people who drink, smoke, take drugs. Society will tell you that makes you controlling and picky. No, it doesn’t. It’s totally fine for you to decide those are your boundaries in a relationship.

I’m teetotal and don’t smoke. I am not getting into a relationship with someone who drinks alcohol or takes drugs in any form, however casually. If you set strong boundaries, people will respect those - even if that means they’re not people you’ll ever spend time with again.

I’m friends with heavy drinkers, smokers etc. I’m not saying I judge people or consider them inferior to me. But I’m also not sharing my life with someone who has considerably different values to mine.

I’m sorry you find yourself here OP. Take this as your chance to make your life better and free of this man.

Yes - happy to explain. I’m well aware that some will think it a mad view!

It’s a red line that I will not cross. I view it as participation in a disgusting trade which involves the exploitation of very vulnerable people, quite possibly including children. So to me it’s as bad as using a prostitute who’s a victim of trafficking.

I would do the same after 23 years. My husband knows how anti-drugs I am, so if he were to even try any kind of drug that would mean he didn't respect me. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't respect me. In the OP's position, I would also get rid, he knows they are trying for a family, doesn't take a genius to know that taking any drug is NOT going to help so it's the utter lack of repect for a partner that would be the deal breaker for me. He would have seen how much pain she was in going through fertility issues but still felt his need was greater. Who wants to waste time on such a selfish twerp?!

He did a bit of cannabis as a student but moved away from it pretty quickly- but did socialise with people who used it. At some point in our mid 20s there was a party we were going to which he warned me might include weed-laced baked goods. I made it clear I wasn’t going so he understood then what my boundaries are.

I’m not the quoted poster but I too would leave immediately for either of those things, and much less.

I feel this strongly about it because I refuse to be with someone who voluntarily harms their body in that way, and is happy to partake in an industry that takes and ruins the lives of exploited children and adults everywhere in the world. I refuse to be with someone who wants to give addictive habits “a try”. There is alcoholism in my family - not my parents, but close enough that I’ve seen the immense damage alcohol, drugs and tobacco cause. It’s a hard line.

@northchesterforest he will have taken drugs before I’d bet my life on it.
You don’t go from never taking no drugs to having fits . They must have been taking a lot.

People whom try to stop drug taking, usually have to try knock the drink on the head first as they normaly go hand in hand. .

If this is what has has admitted to you then this is just the top of the ice Berg sadly.

Reproductive medicine is a relatively new science, and there's still a lot they don't know. Almost a decade and a half ago, our fertility specialist felt that while sperm count and motility gave an indication that everything might be fine, that at a mollecular level, smoking, alcohol and drugs had to be detrimental to the health of sperm, and subsequently the health of a fertilised embryo, and in turn a potential factor in early miscarriage.

So that's another reason to ditch the lying toad. When you are facing fertility treatment, it's the woman who goes through it all. We take the pills and injections and get invasive exams and all the blood tests. At the very least, enter into the process with a man who values your struggles enough to ensure he's honest about what he puts into his body.

I also suspect that for groups like your husband's friend group, drug taking abroad is only the start of what they get up to. It usually goes hand in hand with strip clubs or red light districts. Men like that aren't going to get off their tits on MDMA and coke and go to museums.

You must be gutted.

I wish you well for your future without him.

Yes - I’m the quoted poster and I also realise that I share your view that I don’t want to be with someone who wants to try drugs. I think I actually see the desire to engage in risky and illegal behaviour as idiotic, to be honest.

And having gone through ivf myself, I would be full of rage if my DH had done something as stupid as this while we were in treatment or preparing for it. Unbelievably stupid and selfish. I don’t want to spend my life with a stupid, selfish person.

Look at where you both are in your lives now.

You've just been promoted. You are kind enough to spend your day in a&e with someone who's done a complete number on you.

He's completely incapable of looking after himself and has fucked his life up. Having a seizure wasn't his choice, but taking the risk was and lying to you, especially when you've been putting your body through whatever it is to increase your chances to conceive, is incredibly calculating on his part.

You will be ok. There is no need to feel sorry for him. Sounds like you will have an amazing future without him, and if it does happen, any kid would be lucky enough to have someone like you as a mother.

OP, please focus on this. I agree with every word of this. I wish you all the best for the future - well away from this idiot and his drug taking mates.

Oh gosh so sorry op you must be in deep shock and upset about this
you’ve been lied to for years
I was going to say before your updates that I very much doubt this was his first time using , usually it’s a lifetime long time habit and that he’s likely been doing a long time
you have been lied to and deceived badly
I am sorry but maybe it’s good you find out now before kids are in the scene
he will be sorry to be found out and he may be regretting and also scared of his recent reaction to it. I know one who nearly died and another that died possibly from coke taking it was to do with the brain but wasn’t confirmed either way but coincidentally if not
i hope he is shocked by what happened and can change but unfortunately most cannot change a lifestyle that they are used to

Going off on a completely different tangent, if your husband had a seizure rather than just passed out, I think he needs to notify DVLA if he drives.

Thank you, this made my cry.

So he’s been lying to you and doing drugs for years. Im glad his friend told you that.

Now look, you are doing well, you are smart lady with a great future ahead of you. Leave this bad of shit of a man and concentrate on you. It will all fall into places. You deserve much better.

Congratulations on your promotion, concentrate on that and better things ahead.