You sound way too good for this man OP and both you and he know that.
I have been in your situation with my ex and I trusted him implicitly and thought he respected me enough to be honest but he was taking drugs behind my back.
I knew his friends took them but he always swore he stayed away and didn’t agree with it. We were also trying for a baby although I was much keener than he was.
I had a good job, paid the majority of bills, was close to my family and had a tight group of friends. My ex had a tougher upbringing and had even been in prison before we met but for the first few years he stayed out of trouble and worked full time and we moved in together and were happy.
One of his friends split up with his long term girlfriend and encouraged my ex to go out or round to his house with other friends all the time and they were both taking drugs. I was working night shifts and trusted him and was just happy he wasn’t sat at home alone, I look back and can’t believe my naivety.
I found out what was going on and gave him an ultimatum, he stopped seeing that friend, stopped taking drugs, I changed my hours to be at home in the evenings and was constantly checking up on him.
In the end he left me for a teenage girl as he obviously just wasn’t ready to grow up. I was absolutely devastated to the point I ended up in hospital but it was the best thing that ever happened to me.
He is still with the same girl, they got married and they have multiple children, he still takes drugs and is in and out of prison. She is only in her twenties and looks broken, I think every time she has a baby it’s in the hope of changing him. He’s in his forties though so it’s unlikely he ever will.
I look at his wife and I just feel so grateful that it’s not me in that position, wondering where he is, what and who he’s doing and dealing with children on top of all that. I feel desperately sorry for the kids.
I have been with my current partner over 10 years, he experimented with weed and pills as a teen but has touched nothing since and doesn’t want to.
We met a group on holiday we went out with a few times who were taking coke and tried so hard to convince me and DP to take it. I’ve taken it in the past and vowed never to touch it again but they really put pressure on DP.
In the end he could see I was worrying he might give into pressure so we went off on our own. He has absolute respect for me and knows that I would have been disappointed in him and that was enough for him to say no.
You have been in this relationship a long time and normalised the abnormal. You come across as naive but I suspect that’s self preservation because you don’t want to face to the truth and blow your life apart.
You are strong enough to walk away and start a new life with someone who values you and respects you and who you can trust. If you want to have a baby then you need a solid partnership, it sounds like your husband is just going along with this and it’s not what he really wants.
Having a baby is hard enough with a supportive husband but raising a baby alone is extremely difficult and I always think single parents are superheroes! Can you imagine how much anger and resentment you’d carry if you were left to raise a baby whilst your husband went out and you suspected he was taking drugs?
I hope you find the courage and strength to leave and be happy. You are always better off alone than with someone who makes you feel like you are on your own anyway.
Mumsnet can be bitchy but you’ve had some very good advice and support here, it is much easier to open up when it’s anonymous. There are plenty of people who have been in a similar situation to you so you will have people to talk and vent to if you go ahead and leave your husband. I hope you have a decent support network too.
In a years time you could look back on this chapter of your life and think “Thank god I realised my self worth and started a new life”
Maybe you could save this thread for times you question if your marriage is worth saving.
I really hope things work out no matter what you choose.